Stillness

[aeolianchaos]

So, my first thought is: how the heck did I let myself have a two hour conversation? I guess I was happy to hear from her, but not really... I was actually irritated at first, but I figured "she contacted me, so I'll try to just listen"

My second thought is, I think I did a good job of listening and just asking questions.. most of the time.

Not so sure about the last portion: I guess it was more ideas-focused than about my feelings or her feelings, really. Kind of just putting that framework out there for her to consider.

It isn't my job to teach her, but she keeps struggling with this idea of implicit personality vs. situational, and I do feel like perhaps if she could get her head around that more, it might speed up her journey.

Also: While I didn't reiterate my position (no, we are not going to be "friends" at this point, as it would be very painful for me to be around her while she is living it up w/ some OM), I do maintain it. I also wonder what the heck she thinks that friendship would look like in the first place? Right now I feel like I am dealing with someone who has blown their integrity in a big way and chose to run from it rather than grow from it. Also I am dealing with someone who has broken my heart and caused me a great amount of stress. It is hard for me to envision what that friendship would look like other than some kind of form of emotional fusion.

I'm also deeply skeptical of some of her expressions of remorse and confusion : I was looking at a mutual friends facebook page yesterday and up popped a photo of Her and OM at a baseball game about 1.5 months after she walked out. My first reaction was anger, followed by disgust, followed by disgust in myself for even reacting.

So much for dropping the rope, emotionally speaking. I didn't act on it, and did my best to chill myself out but it still irritates the p!$$ out of me that she is acting so confused and weak around me, but then still hanging out with OM (who she claimed she didn't want to be with). Not sure why it irritates me so much - maybe because I do want to believe that the best in her would have integrity and be honest.

So, I'm disappointed when she still lies despite how little reason she has to at this point. Or maybe its because I choose to remain open to the idea of reconciliation and when she does things like this, it makes me feel like not only does she not want to, it makes me question if she's worth it. And I don't like that thought, either.