Stillness

[aeolianchaos]

Been a while since I updated.

So, WAW contacted me today over online chat. Conversation was kind of long -- like almost 2 hours. I'll put the bits that seem most important up here and perhaps put that helmet on.

I realize this will be epic.. in fact I will split it up into multiple posts. I'll put those bits up, and then my own thoughts.

The Duet: As performed by Aeolian Chaos and his WAW

Part I: The Approach

WAW: hey how are you?
Aeolian Chaos: I'm good. What's up?
WAW: I just got back tuesday- I'm sorry I havent written
I actually have a post card that I got you, from a miro exhibit I saw in London, that I never sent-
Aeolian Chaos: Cool.
WAW: well, my parents are going to bring THE CAT this weekend, so if you have the litter box still...I can come by and pick it up
I also have a cable bill...
Aeolian Chaos: Alright. When would you like to do that?
WAW: I'm free after 5 tomorrow
or today whenever
Aeolian Chaos: I've got a thing tomorrow evening. I can put her box on the fire escape or something.
WAW: I understand
Aeolian Chaos: ?
WAW: I guess I just wanted to see you
and at least say hi
its unrealistic of me I think
Aeolian Chaos: What is unrealistic?
WAW: that we could eventually be friends
I saw Mutual Friend in London...
Aeolian Chaos: How is he?
WAW: he's great
seems really happy
he surprised me
it was wonderful
I was very wary about how our mutual friends were going to react
or what they would think of me
but he's such a good person- and he cares about us both, and wants us to be happy
Aeolian Chaos: I haven't talked to him since April. But I'm glad he is doing well.
What do you think of you?
WAW: I still feel a lot of shame-
and I'm still a bit lost
Aeolian Chaos: What do you mean by lost?
WAW: about what kind of person I want to be
what tendencies I have...reactions I have...
I'm try to be observant of what I think
trying*
Aeolian Chaos: You feel like you don't understand your reactions and how you end up reacting the way you do? Is that what you mean?
WAW: I think yes
and are my reactions a product of the kind of person I am
and is that changable
Aeolian Chaos: Can you give me an example?
WAW: the fact that I do think i need attention, or re assurance, emotionally, musically...personally, in order for me to feel more stable and assure of myself
and when that comes in to question, I react with panic, internally
Aeolian Chaos: So you feel like when you don't receive validation from others, you get reactive and start to question yourself?
WAW: yes
Aeolian Chaos: Would it be accurate to say you start to feel destabilized?
WAW: yes