I was DB'ing but just discovered an affair

[ncl]

Yesterday got heated between us. My attorney asked about our debts and I listed them all out in email and stated that it was my opinion that W should take quite a bit of them. My opinion got back to her somehow and she was livid. She texted and called me quite a bit and it wasn't pleasant at all.

We quit talking later in the day and this morning the contact has been limited, but cordial.

Ugh...not fun.

Are Friday night's plans still a go?

It's so bizarre to me that you two are "dating" yet still moving forward with the divorce. Has she not mentioned at all putting it on hold for the time being? Are the two of you able to discuss and agree on things outside of your lawyers and staying out of court (therefore saving $$$)? That is what my H and I did; we came close to having a hearing a time or two over some things we were bickering about, but we ended up agreeing on the kids and $ on our own. That kept our frustration with each other to a minimum. Once we agreed on those big-ticket items for the time we are separated, we have been able to put the actual divorce process on hold and see what happens between us. Like my H and me, you and your wife don't seem completely convinced that a divorce is the one and only answer for you. I don't want you to pursue her and scare her off with R talk, but I also don't want to see the two of you getting along great and enjoying time together while your divorce is going through. Does that make sense?

I hope the two of you are still able to go to the concert tomorrow night and have a good time. If not, have a good time doing something else...not sitting at home alone wishing you were there!

[NTX_Dad]

Hello lc - good to hear from you.

I forgot to mention the concert.. in the heat of the battle yesterday I became uninvited. LOL

This morning I asked her if I needed to know if I was uninvited because I wanted to get my own tickets and she asked me if I would buy hers. I then told her I changed my mind and didn't want to go because I wouldn't be able to find anyone that would enjoy the show, so then she replied that we should go together. So it's back on.

Right after the filing, we did decide that we would get to the temp orders and then let it sit for a while to see what happens. However when she won the additional support, I told her I wanted it over with ASAP so that I wouldn't have to pay the extra support for months on end. She seemed bummed about it but then agreed.

So to be honest, I don't know where it sits. I guess I'll need to bring it up this weekend.

We just hung up the phone, we had to work on bills. She was somewhat helpful and did give some of the money back. The over all conversation was upbeat and cooperative. I'll cross my fingers for a good weekend.

[ncl]

Okay, I got it now! Thanks for clearing it up!

You two remind me of my husband and myself...can't live with each other, can't live without each other! I am glad y'all worked through the bills/money issues together in a reasonable way and that the date is back on for the concert. I'd avoid R talk as much as possible and just go have fun. I think emotions are still too raw to do any serious talk after the lawyer email, debt issue that caused an argument.

In our case, we told our lawyers that now we have the kids/money issues worked out to not call us/we'll call them. Don't rush into a D just because of the temp order regarding finances (which it sounds like she's working with you on this anyway). Think of it this way....if your marriage ends up surviving, isn't that worth the extra change you pay until y'all get things patched up? Just something to consider.

I can't wait to hear how things go. Remember, look hot, be totally fun and upbeat!

[NTX_Dad]

Thanks for the tips LC... maybe I'll go buy some new cologne at lunch today as you suggested in another post.

I stopped by her apt to pick up our D8 and she invited me in and we sat and talked for a half hour and had a beer. It was really pleasant. Then when I mentioned I was taking our D8 to our favorite pizza place, she asked if she could drop by for an appetizer on her way to her game. Again it was really pleasant.

We've already traded some texts about tonight and we both seem really excited.

The dating (if that what it should be called) has been kind of fun to be honest. Since we aren't seeing each other daily, the dates are full of fun and good conversation. On the other hand, she occasionally mentions something about the future... last night she said once that she doesn't want to ever get married again. I didn't know what to make of that, so I didn't respond.

Interestingly, I am kind of enjoying my time alone right now. The house is completely spotless and I've been doing things I like to do such as going to the gym more, yard work, and enjoying a cigar occasionally on the patio in this wonderful weather we are having.

I'm not sure where this is all heading right now... and most of the time I am not even sure I care one way or the other. I wonder if my Lexapro dosage is too high? LOL

[jbnati]

NTX - I am glad your dates have been fun and things seem to be going well for the most part.

On the other hand, she occasionally mentions something about the future... last night she said once that she doesn't want to ever get married again. I didn't know what to make of that, so I didn't respond.

I wouldn't focus too much on this at all. I wouldn't put a whole lot of stock in it. This is especially if you buy the "believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do" adage. She sounds like she really doesn't know what she wants right now.

Interestingly, I am kind of enjoying my time alone right now. The house is completely spotless and I've been doing things I like to do such as going to the gym more, yard work, and enjoying a cigar occasionally on the patio in this wonderful weather we are having.

This is the way to be. Make the best of a bad situation. It is what it is right, might as well enjoy it. I think deciding to enjoy it is a good decision anyway.

Just take things one day at a time right now.

I'm not sure where this is all heading right now... and most of the time I am not even sure I care one way or the other.

Sounds like you're feeling some ambivalence right now. Just go with it.

[NTX_Dad]

Well it's been a crazy past seven days. 95% of it was fantastic. We went to the concert of Friday and had a wonderful time. They spent the night and ended up hanging out for most of Saturday, and came back Saturday night for a quick visit, and again visited on Sunday for 3-4 hours.

They even came by Monday evening and we went out for dinner.

We were getting along great. There was never any talk about the M or reconciliation, which is the way it should probably be.

Last night was a different story though. They showed up at the house and within 10 minutes they left. The W told me they are considering moving already! They have only been in their current apartment for three weeks. The new place will be significantly more expensive and the rent it will be about 60% of her take home pay. :-O

I shouldn't have given my opinion, but I couldn't help it. I told her that it didn't sound like a good idea. In an instant, she got visibly upset and told me that my comments are why we are divorcing. I told her I was just trying to help and she said she didn't need my help and that it was none of my business. She also said it was my "delivery" when I give my advice.

She quickly summoned our D and was out the door in a flash.

I get very confused when it goes from one extreme to the other. We got along very well the past couple of weeks. I know there's some emotional bond still, otherwise I don't know why she'd hang out so much the past week and invited me out for two nice evenings out. During the "dates" there was occasional hugs and even a couple of kisses, all initiated by her.

[ncl]

I'm glad you had a good weekend with your wife and daughter. What happened last night sounds like classic WAS behavior. She doesn't know what she wants, so she pulls you in then pushes you away. She obviously didn't like hearing the truth from you that her plan doesn't sound so great. If she/y'all can afford it and things are staying out of court for the time being, then just let her do what she thinks she needs to do (I know, easier said than done). Hopefully, it's not a long-term lease so she can change her mind (again) if need be or in the case you two decide to move back in together.

She told you a good 180 you can work on...your offering and delivery of advice. jbnati is a a PRO at this with his wife (read up on his sitch). In the future, just try to listen and wish her the best. If she wants advice, she will ask for it (whether she'll take it is another thing).

Give her some time to cool off; she will be back around. In the meantime, I hope you have a good week! hugs, lc4

[NTX_Dad]

I know you are right, and I admire jb for being able to restrain himself. I just couldn't help myself. I forgot to add that she became flippant and said she was going to cash our her portion of my retirement to pay off her car.

I think she'll cool off and come back around. However, there are times like last night when I don't want her to come back around.

I guess THAT is the cycle, right? LOL I get to a point where I don't want her around, then she becomes nice for a week or two and [censored] me back in, and then WHAM!

I wonder if the WAS even realizes they are doing it.

BTW lc, are you in the DFW area? Some of your posts makes me believe that you are.

[ncl]

JB has super-human DB'ing powers, I think. If anyone understands not being able to hold their tongue, it's me. And no, I don't think the WAS realizes how bizarro their thoughts/actions are at the moment. Instead, I think it's after the fact, often too late, when they realize how ridiculous they were.

Which reminds me, last night I was talking to a friend of mine...he's older than me, divorced for 8 years and has two older kids. Anyway, his wife was a WAS; he resisted in every way for quite some time, but finally gave into her wishes for a D. What I didn't know before he told me last night was that she quickly remarried and then quickly realized she had made a big mistake. She was divorced to the om within a year and a half and back knocking on his door. He gave it another shot in hopes of "saving his family," but in the end realized she just wasn't what he wanted/needed anymore. Just made me think of so many LBS here and what the future could look like.

I live a couple of hours north of D but am there weekly (my son plays in a soccer league in the area). Plus, a couple of my closest friends live there. It's my home away from home!

[In_Shock]

yes, jb's superpower is DBing like a pro!! I read him and learn daily. When I get emotional I cannot stop myself sometimes from blurting out something!! I'm learning to think before speaking.

And to detach and detach some more. OMG what a rollercoaster! Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Realize we are all going to have those times, pick up and start over. It really is about saving ourselves ultimately.

(hugs)