sandi2...questions

[check 1]

Please don't be offended. I really want to help you man.

I'm not offended at all. I came onto this forum with a prideful attitude. I've accomplished a lot in my life and overcame numerous obstacles. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever encountered. My pride has been busted...I've hit rock bottom. Help is what I am reaching out for, because I feel like a panicked, scared little boy lost in the Mall of America and not knowing where to begin looking for my parents.

I have purchased both books that you suggested. I just started reading Hold onto you N.U.T.S.. I am listening to the Superior Man book in my car beginning today. I will also look of David DeAngelo later.

This seems to be what I've been looking for...so thank you.

I was a little concerned with my goals being too much or too focused on her. I'm not sure how to do things for myself. I've always been so focused on her and the kids. I'm not blaming them or making excuses...it's my fault and it obviously didn't work.

I'm humbled now and eager to learn as much as I can. Without being so dang sensitive *cough,MrBond,cough* ;-). Having my ass handed to me earlier in the thread is exactly what I needed.

[In_Shock]

"If you want her to come back AND if you want to get through this misery, YOU have to do things for you. It's counter intuitive when you are doing things just for YOU, but that's the thing that attracts them back." From Faith...


These words are pure gold. Live them. I'm doing my best to follow this as well. NOT easy but necessary.

[Rick1963]

David, even though our stich are different, I think we are at the same early stages of DBing. Begging and pleading ain't helping us. We are pushing our W's further away. I know it is hard when you are scared and confused and want results fast. But I guess that is not how it works. Doing things for yourself sounds weird to me also but I'm trying to do it. Hang in there

[Harrier]

Here comes the 2x4.

WTF is wrong with you?

how does this personal attack help him? .

Nothing is "wrong" with him. Does he make mistakes in the DB process? Yes. Could he do better? Yes. A lot better? Yes.

You really need to separate the person from the act. I know you are trying to help. But Geez

[check 1]

Here comes the 2x4.

WTF is wrong with you?

how does this personal attack help him? .

Nothing is "wrong" with him. Does he make mistakes in the DB process? Yes. Could he do better? Yes. A lot better? Yes.

You really need to separate the person from the act. I know you are trying to help. But Geez

Honestly, it doesn't bother me. I chalk it up to tough love. I'm doing dumb stuff and I need a kick in the head sometimes. Thanks for sticking up for me. I'm just grateful inhale people willing to help me out.

[MrBond]

Harrier, Personal attack? I think not. Consider it like a slap back into reality. Some people are more receptive to gentle hand holding, some are so caught up in their anxiety that they need a slap. Virtually of course. It's a guy to guy thing.

Okay, so I read through your list. It's all good with the exception of the cutting off communication part. You doing so is a reflection of the fear you have for you W. What you need to do instead is to keep the communications with your W to a minimum not cut it off. This involves you taking the initiative and starting the conversation. It doesn't have to be anything long or earth-shattering, just "hey what are you and the kids doing?" kind of thing. Don't call often, just every now and then.

You have to show your W that being in a R with you is worth it. You can't do that by shying away from her. You don't need to go dark. Have you actually read DR or DB?

[check 1]

This is where I keep getting stuck. I don't want to cut off all communication. Here is an example. It's getting cold here so I emailed my W and asked if the kids had mittens, hats, etc.

Here is my thing...right now, I am devastated by the affair. If I see her or talk to her I know I'm going to make myself look foolish. Look what I did the other day. I'm not ready to call and say what's up. The hard part is that is all I want to do now. I feel like everything is so fresh that I'm not rational. When I do get around her I am supposed to act like I've got it together and I'm happy. I don't have it together and I'm miserable. I feel lime I'm not allowed to feel pain and be emotional. That is one of the things she doesn't like about me. She says I'm negative. How can I not be at this point in the game?

I feel stuck. I'm goin to make some appointments with a DB counselor over the phone.



I dont know what I want right now.

[check 1]

To add another thing....I'm not what she wants me to be. I'm not even sure I can be that. I know who I want to be, but I'm not that right now either. What do I say, do, act when I'm around her?

Plus, I feel like she is blaming me for the affair. If I would have been there and gave her what she needed we wouldn't be where we are now. I WAS F@$KING SICK!!! I busted my butt to get better. So, fine, I wasn't there and she fooled around with someone else.

God...I'm doing it again.

[MrBond]

That's your biggest problem. Control your impulses.

"I'm not what she wants me to be."

What the heck is that supposed to mean? I didn't see anywhere in your posts about her demanding anything unreasonable from you. She just wants a secure, mature male who can see to her emotional needs. Are you saying you can't be that?

Stop with the imagining that you know what she wants. You're not her, so you don't "know". In fact, she doesn't even know. Stick with the plan and stay consistent in your actions. Mature, calm and in control.

Deal with your anxiety first and stop blaming yourself. Just because you didn't see to her needs in the past doesn't mean you can't meet them now. You can't change the past, but you can change the future.

[MrBond]

Here's something you can try. Around here we have the 24 hour rule. When you feel the urge to say something, don't contact your W but post it here instead. Get into the habit of doing that so you don't put your foot in your mouth any further.