New to the forum.

[Lonely in SLC]

Well, I think that I am finished with DBing. Then again, maybe I am just starting. I'll explain this later.

For my own benefit, I called up the XW down in Chile to confront her. I am not sure if "confront" is the right word. I did not go into the conversation looking for a fight or to show emotion. I just want the truth.

I began by asking how long she had been dating the OM, if she waited until the divorce or before.

X: You read my facebook.

M: What are you talking about? The kids and I went over to the pool at your apartment to swim, I saw him go to your apartment. Was there something on your facebook that I should now about? (I know, a liitle bit hypocritcal by me, asking for the truth but lying how I had obtained the information)

X: He was just checking up on the cat. He is only a friend, I have told you that I am not dating him. I am not interested in having a relationship with anyman.

M: Why did you bring up facebook?

X: We had sent messages last night.

M: Is there something in there that I should no about.

X: No.

M: The you would not mind if I saw them, have you changed your passcode, and will you give me permission to look at it.

X: No.

M: Then I don't believe you. I am hurt that you have felt the need to lie to be about this, even after the divorce. I guess that I had hoped that you still had some respect for me to tell me the truth. I know I have made mistakes, but the truth is something that I thought I deserved.

X: I am telling you the truth. We have never dated, never kissed, nothing. He is just a friend.

M: How am I supposed to believe that he is just a friend, when he apparently has keys to your apartment to check on the cat. You didn't even trust me to look after the cat. You have numerous girl friends that could have done this for you. I just don't believe you anymore.

X: Fine, look at my facebook.

M: (Logged into her facebook and reread the messages.) Is this suppose to make me feel any better, or suppose to help me believe you. What is this, "Do you miss me" "Te Queiro." (Te Quiero is a term of endearment in the spanish language. Is not as strong as I Love You, but is very close.) This confirms my suspicions even more.

X: You are mis-interpreting it. He is just a friend.

M: I don't believe you anymore.

X: Fine, there is nothing I can do to convince you otherwise. So why waste our time.

M: You are right, why waste our time. Goodbye.

I was extremely calm during this whole time, you could almost say detached. I don't believe she expected me to be so calm or to end the conversation this way. She was gradually getting more emotional. Innocent to angry to crying.

X: I can't believe that you still find a way to ruin my day even when I am half a world apart. Does this mean you are going to start being mean and get the kids involved.

M: No, I know I have made that mistake before. This issue is between us though, I will not make the kids suffer anymore than needs be. Maybe this is why you would not tell me the truth, you are afraid that I would do something mean or try to make you look bad in front of the kids. I just know that I am going to need some time to myself, it will be hard to be your "friend" knowing that you have lied to me.

X: Silence......He is just a friend. (More subdued)

M: Going back to what you said earlier, I guess there is no reason to discuss this any further. Goodbye, I hope the remainder of your trip goes well.

X: Bye

I feel better. When I don't talk about issues, it sits inside of me and festors, like a poison. It is what I needed to do to move on with my healing. But I guess it will continue to get harder.

You see, I had hoped we would get back together one day. This hope had helped me move on. Now, the hope is fading fast, if it is not already dead. Maybe it is my defense mechanism kicking in, I just can't stand the pain anymore. It is time to move on with my life.

For me to truly move on with my life, I had to loose this hope. It was keeping me back. I know that the next few days, weeks, months, who knows, but that I will cry. It will hurt, but I need to move on for ME.

Here is the dilema. Is this not DBing. Moving on with your own life, having no expectations from the X. I don't even know if I would want her back. She has changed to much, I don't even recognize the woman I have loved all of these years.

My steps to healing.

1. Grieve
2. Move on.
3. Once grieving is over, never go back to step one.

It is just that the pain is so sharp right now.......