I don't know that I want to nudge you in any direction beyond protecting yourself and kids, but I will explain my earlier comment about you "not deserving" protection on your own (ie my belief that you didn't care enough about you).
You seemed to me, to be willing to wait forever as long as your h called to cry now and then on the phone. You saw that as remorse and assumed it would lead to a change on his part. (IT hasn't.)
You seemed willing to see the loss of assets and willing to listen to him go right back to OW after his "I'm so ashamed of OW! ...but, um, i gotta go back to her now"! talks...
so it seemed to me that you didn't feel YOU were worth protecting.
That's why I mention the kids so often. They need at least one parent looking out for them.
And if your fear of losing your h by doing something , as irrational as it may be, outweighed your desire for self preservation (which is sad enough)
Then I wanted to appeal to you as a mother.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
thank you. Yes, I get it. Pathetic I suppose. It is sooo hard to shake that "we weren't worth it" to him mentality. It is like the meanest, messed up person doesn't even like ME! How uncomprehendable. To me anyway. Like I said in the past-it is the irony of him leaving us! I didn't want to give up. I know it could have been salvagable. That I think is why I waited so long and I do love him. Not who he is now but who I thought I was married to. The countdown is nearing an end. He has just a little over two weeks to respond. Haven't heard a word.
if he gets a L, it'll be near the end of the 2 weeks, I'm guessing.
I actually believe it usually is the "loser" spouse who leaves the winner. Not by an overwhelming statistic but often enough.
My older sister was a great catch and my sil (oldest brother's wife) was too. Those women both got left by men who were NOT GOOD h's...(my brother is reltionship lazy, pure and simple. No drinking too much and no temper but just wants near zero expectations other than pleasant behavior from him and benign neglect...and fidelity b/c I don't think he'd cheat but that's also b/c he weighs 300 lbs. HE left my beautiful "looks like Andy Mcdowell" Sil...
I'm still close to that sil, but she was crushed by my brother at the time. And yet that sil is happier than ever, b/c she's with her new (10 years) h. That man raised their daughter...and he's NOT relationship lazy by a mile.
My older sister got left by a selfish cheater. HE's now miserable and she's happy with her new (7 years) h who worships the ground she walks on.
Winners leaving? Um, my younger sister gained a ton of weight after marriage, never had a job or child and her handsome pilot h left her. But only she was shocked. We were shocked he stayed so long. So he was sort of a winner and she wasn't. She never took any responsibility for not bringing anything to the table. And she always said things were "fine" between them. We knew better.
She fell apart when he left, utterly...and finally remarried and that guy was nice but died. So then she was a widow. She pulled herself together finally, got her nursing degree and is happily involved with a man 10 years younger...go figure.
You know, if her first h had not left her, I think she'd have done nothing with her life that mattered much. Ironic.
You'll make it to the other side if you make sure you put the kids/you first.
No one knows if your h will come around and be the man you want him to be.
My gut says IF it happens, it's not this year.
His discomfort levels w/OW have to go up so much that he has to decide the work of rebuilding the m is worth it.
That means bottoming out. AND Then reaching up.
Not happening really soon I fear. But that's kind of good for your detachment right?
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes, it is good for detachment. The whole "worth" it thing just throws me. Even when you say it! How can he think we are not??! Maybe thats the million dollar question. He claims he is so miserable and his blood pressure is so high but I guess we will see how long he holds out. Good luck to him with the lawyer. He doesn't have a leg to stand on and I am betting he knows that.
thank you. Yes, I get it. Pathetic I suppose. It is sooo hard to shake that "we weren't worth it" to him mentality. It is like the meanest, messed up person doesn't even like ME! How uncomprehendable. To me anyway. Like I said in the past-it is the irony of him leaving us! I didn't want to give up. I know it could have been salvagable. That I think is why I waited so long and I do love him. Not who he is now but who I thought I was married to. The countdown is nearing an end. He has just a little over two weeks to respond. Haven't heard a word.
Throw that word pathetic out. It's not pathetic. I've been there and to me, it is part of the process. You had a committed relationship with a man you deeply loved. In my case it wasn't with a man, but the idea is the same When they suddenly pull a crazy Ivan on you, what are you supposed to do? Answer: grieve. The loss of a trusted companion, best friend, lover, father, and husband. To have it replaced by some...thing that looks, talks, and sometimes sounds like H is maddening. Like a story from a Steven King novel or the Twighlight Zone.
What exactly are you supposed to do?
I know for me, I at one point started to believe some of X's spew. It took a TREMENDOUS amount of effort and quite a bit of time to figure it out.
Know why? Because she knew me soooooo well. She knew how to push buttons. Still does know some of them. They are becomming fewer, but that takes time to work through them.
The other thing is that they try to keep hold while pushing you away. Couldn't say why, but it is what they seem to do.
Get started closing those button doors now though. There's a test later....
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
