Sorry I havent posted in a long while. I have been busy with the DBing. Not been on the PC much.....Wish I could say all is fixed and going well. But we all know that would be way to quick. Still at home, giving the W space and letting her work through this whole mess at her own pace. We pretend everything is normal only no "I love you" or any kind of married couple things. I am just thankful to still be able to see her and the kids everyday and be apart of their lives. I am slowly introducing the idea of a M/C and she is kind open to it. She told me Sat. that she has days where she thinks working it out is a great idea. Then others when she doesnt think it is possible. Not sure out to take that other than just roll with it.
I do need some advice/guideance....(well I need tons of advice and guideance) but our 13 year anniv. is coming up next month. Which is a week before her birthday. I am not sure how to handle this. We never have had a lot of money so in turn we have never been big on huge gifts for these events. In fact most of our anniv. have been spent at home with our kids. I was thinking of trying to make this one more special (mainly because we are still together, and I am very grateful for that) but I dont want to seem like I am trying to hard. Any advice??
why do you fear looking as if you are "trying too hard"?
What does that mean? Do you mean pressure?
Or effort? there's a big difference.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sorry I havent posted in a long while. I have been busy with the DBing. Not been on the PC much.....Wish I could say all is fixed and going well. But we all know that would be way to quick. Still at home, giving the W space and letting her work through this whole mess at her own pace. We pretend everything is normal only no "I love you" or any kind of married couple things. I am just thankful to still be able to see her and the kids everyday and be apart of their lives.
What if you just said this in a card with a tasteful gift that you put thought into?
Also, even if it's just a walk or a drink together, I'd make SOME time for you two to be alone but in a way that isn't revealing ANY expecations from you in return...anniversaries are good to take time outs and check the R, but in your sitch she doesn't want the pressure of you expecting to ML and thinking 'all is well now". She fears complacency, I suspect.
Somehow she'll need to realize that you can feel safe with each other without being complacent but it IS a lesson to be learned. Takes time.
I am slowly introducing the idea of a M/C and she is kind open to it. She told me Sat. that she has days where she thinks working it out is a great idea. Then others when she doesnt think it is possible. Not sure out to take that other than just roll with it.
Be as patient as you can be and then, times it by 10...
ask her if she'd do Retrovaille...it's much more efficient, time wise, than weekly T although I think weekly t sessions lay the groundwork for Retrovaille pretty well.
Also, if you do Retrovaille, make EVERY effort to do their follow up sessions too...they're free.
For every ounce of effort we put into it, which was SO inconvenient at times..
we yielded exponentially more in return.
How else can I say it?
And if you're not Catholic (my h isn't and I always dread that issue being divisive) but the Retrovaille we attended sure didn't push any dogma onto us.
Plus they even have interfaith versions and Protestant only and maybe some other forms...
at ours, there were the team couples leading it (and their stories are far worse than yours. Or mine. That made us feel like our problems just weren't that bad in comparison b/c THESE TEAM couples had some
BIG horrible things like having a child die, AND discovering an affair all at once, and yet they turned their m's around, making the r's THE priority and it showed...and they were able to talk about it...)
There was a retired priest there who I don't recall saying much. He did volunteer to talk in private with anyone who "feels they were hurt by the Church, or any organized religion in the past"...which i thought was kind of gutsy.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I dont want to pressure her or make her feel pressure. We are at a very critical point..atleast I think so. She has told me that she is considering a Marriage Counselor. Which is something I have asked for since the begining, however she was against. Said she was to angry and hurt, had no interest in saving this marriage.
Off the subject some but.......
I am feel like I am trying very hard to prove to her that I can be trusted again and things are so fragile between us at this point. My anxiety has really been building up this last week pr so and not really sure why. I have worried that she is waiting for the holidays to come and go before she boots me. She hasn't really said anything to make me think that, just how my brain works. Deep down I am very worried, I am trying to make this work and still let things go at her pace. I know that nothing can happen (be it good or bad) until she wants it to happen. I
I can't even trust my own feelings right now. I dont know what is positive or negative now. Example: in her words were "some days I think I want to make this marriage work, other days I don't". I want this to be a positive statment and compared to where were a few months ago her words have changed. But, is it positive? I am losing my mind it seems. Sorry about the rambling everything just spilled out of me. So hope it makes sense.
I have worried that she is waiting for the holidays to come and go before she boots me. She hasn't really said anything to make me think that, just how my brain works.
I'm sure you realize that type of thinking has to go. Easier said than done, but you have to do it. One thing you *don't* want to be is your own worst enemy.
The holidays are months away. I'd hate to see you spending the time up until then getting more and more anxious over 'what-ifs'.
Originally Posted By: ChrisW
Example: in her words were "some days I think I want to make this marriage work, other days I don't". I want this to be a positive statment and compared to where were a few months ago her words have changed. But, is it positive?
It's more positive than "I'm done" right? In other words, *take* the positives from it. Is it ideal? Maybe not, but it may be the best you can get *at this moment*.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
chris w - I am sorry - i don't mean to hijack your thread.
25yearsmic. I am relatively new and do not know how to send a personal message. I have been trying for almost an hour but can't figure out another way of contacting you. I am currently not getting a lot of feedback on my posts. I have been reading A LOT and really respect your opinions and advice you give to others and would love if you could check out my thread and offer some words of wisdom to my sit. I am in the newcomers forum..
I hope this post doesn't go against the rules... thanks!
thank you both!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
You've had the negative thought disorder for a long time now. Hurts you AND your cause.
Fix that b/c it's just not healthy. Like it's neurotic and you need to work on it. Did you get some anti anxiety meds?
Please don't blow this with your thought disorder b/c that is what it is.
You want too much reassurance from her, again forgetting, that it's YOUR job to comfort HER... She's the injured party...
How have YOU changed since this all happened?
I only hear the same destructive thought process so I don't know any 180's or GAL that you are doing.
What are they?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
