I'd like to post a little more information about my situation.
We got married at 20. Around the age of 23 or 24 I became ill. I would prefer not to say what it was, but I was in bed for six months. I couldn't leave the house and my wife had to take care of me. I was out of work and not able to be a good husband. During this time we had our first child. Eventually, I started getting better. I started working more, then I relapsed. I ended up going to the hospital for a week, but the recovery took nearly 8 months. During this time our youngest child was conceived. I'm better now and the chances of me relapsing are very unlikely.
Sunday, I found out that her and the OW fooled around a week or two ago. The OW's husband hit on my wife as well...neither of them knew about the other person's feelings for my wife. She never did anything with the husband. The OW and her husband decided to work on their marriage and decided to not have anything to do with my wife ever again. When I found out about the fooling around I told my wife I wanted nothing to do with her ever again. She can call me about emergencies with the kids but otherwise she needs to communicate via email.
That night she started talking about working on things. I've tried to understand the affair. I figure that I could not be there as a husband for her while I was unwell...which was a long time. I can understand what happened and I asked her if we could just call everything even and move on. So, here we are now. She's been very kind in answering my questions about the affair. She told me she got caught up in the moment and does not have any interest in women. The thing is this woman told my W everything she wanted to hear, she laughed at everything, told my W how great she was, etc. I told my wife that she needs to understand that she was doing this to get her in bed...then left her high and dry. Well, apparently that's negative...which is what she describes me as.
The thing is I'm in pain. Especially with the mixed messages. I don't know if she got dumped and I'm her rebound. I don't know if me telling her I wanted nothing to do with her is what made her think. I really don't know and probably never will. Either way, I feel like I'm dying.
How can I be "positive" around her when I hurt so bad? How can I compete with the OW? They don't have kids together...they didn't live together...it was a fantasy world. I cannot compete with that. My W knows I'm hurting and is claiming she feels really bad for the pain that she's caused me.
Guys, I'm more confused than ever. I do want to jump back into this relationship...I know I can't. Maybe I feel like that would ease the pain, but it wouldn't. So, how can I be positive and upbeat when seeing her makes me feel so bad? I feel like I'm screwed and this is never going to work. I want to run away to protect myself. I can't handle any more bad news.
She told me that we will work on ourselves and see how things go. She also told me that she can't promise anything. She's not sure if she can live with me anymore because of her being drained emotionally, mentally and physically. My problem is that I do want to make things work. I do want to hurry this up. In my mind I know I can't. In my mind I know that time is the best thing. But my heart tells me that I can't deal with any more pain...I can't handle losing her again. MrBond is right...I'm scared to death. I don't know what to do about it though. I can't shut my feelings off. I love her so much that seeing her is painful. I just want to run far away from her because that the only way I feel like I can work on me.
What do I do and where do I start. I'm at the point that I don't ever want to see her again because seeing her hurts too bad. All I want is to be around her, love her, make her feel special, fix all my mistakes, etc.
Was this her first encounter with a woman? If so, she's got alot more issues to deal with than you. The way she's blowing it off and saying it's "nothing" is BS. She's questioning her identity and since you're the one who is right in front of her asking what's going on, she takes it out on you.
First of all, understand that it's not about you. She's going through alot of issues right now. So stop obsessing about competing against the OW and learn from it. What did the OW do to fill the emotional void your W felt? You can do it too. Strategize. Learn what the OW did and top it.
Conquer your fear by doing a little at a time. When you're climbing the mountain, you don't think about how fast you're going to get to the top, you think about taking one (manageable) step at a time.
Remember "keep moving forward".
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Sometimes a couple needs to be separated in order to get past so much pain. Instead of you looking at the stitch as it hurting too much to even see her, you could take time away from her and allow your mind to calm down. As long as "fear" is controlling you, the worse you will feel. There are a lot of things in life that we could be too afraid to attempt, but at what price are we willing to pay not to experience the fullness of life?
When I was growing up, women used an expression regarding childbirth. They would say, "Giving birth is the next thing to dying". I don't know if that was some tactic used to keep their daughters virgins....but I bet it threw some fear into a few, anyway. However, I made the decision to marry....and to have a child. Scared? You bet! After hearing ever horror story out there about hours, and even days of terrible labor pains.....I didn't know what all to expect, but I was pretty sure it would hurt!
It did hurt, but it didn't stop me from having another baby 4 years later. There's a verse in the Bible that talks about mothers forgetting(KJV) their labor pains after the baby is born. It's not so much a loss of memory--but more of not constantly dwelling how bad it was in order to give birth to a precious life. Having that love is worth the pain. What are hours of labor pains when compared to a lifetime of rewards?
My suggestion would be to tell your W that you need some space, also, and you have a lot to think about. Then, use ever how much time you need to heal. I agree with Bond.....she has more to be confused about! She needs time to work things out on her own. Until both of you can be healthy alone....I don't know that you could be healthy together. A couple can separate, you know. They don't have to file for a D.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes this was her first encounter. I just did a dumb thing. I called her and told her that I couldn't be what the OW was. I told her that all te good stuff the woman said about her was a lie. Their relationship was based on a lie. She said wonderful things, slept with her, then ditched her to go work on her marriage (ironic?). Told her that I want to make her feel special and everything, but life isn't always roses. The thing is that I'm still here...I've always been here...more than anyone has in her whole life.
I know, I know. I broke so many rules it's ridiculous.
She yelled at me and told me that I'm saying all these things but I'm proving to her right now that I can't be the person she needs or wants. I'm pointing out all the negative, telling her everything she does wrong...I'm pushing her.
She's right. You're right. I'm doing this stuff because I'm afraid she already has her mind made up that I can't be what she needs. I know I can be. Even right now, I feel like I just messed up and all is lost. This is why I wanted to go completely black. It's too much pressure.
She did say that she didn't want to divorce but to separate, but she can't promise we'll get back together. That scares the $*!# out of me. I know I need to change this, but I feel like I can't live without her...let ms rephrase that. I can live without her, I just don't want to.
I know people say to let go. I'm sure it's already been said a million times, but how do I do it? Even though she keeps hurting me, I still want to be with her, but I'm at te point that I cannot deal with this pain and crazy emotions anymore. It's consuming my life. I don' know how to do it. Nothin is clicking for me.
Do you think that I pushed her too far this time? Is that something I should even be worrying about right now?
WTF is wrong with you? Why do you even post here when you aren't going to listen to what others suggest? We told you exactly what would happen if you did what you just did and sure enough it happened.
What you've proven to her is that you're insecure, scared, selfish and more. Does any woman want that in a man? Stop competing against the OW.
This is only salvagable if you stop making mistakes. Calm down, then sincerely apologize. Don't get emotional, just a straight forward apology. Stand tall when doing so. Just the apology with no blame on her side and end it. Keep it short and sweet.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Davidrsae, my best advice is listen to what Bond, Sandi and the other vets are telling you. Put it in to practice. They have been there, done that, worn the bloody t-shirt out. It isn’t easy, nothing worth doing is.
Yea, you’ll get the occasional 2X4. If you detach and examine it you’ll see you needed it or a kick in the pants. Man I would sacrifice to be in a sitch as salvageable as yours. She has told you what to change, what she needs. You need to really look deep within and become more than she thinks she needs. The vets are telling you how.
Stop reacting from a place of fear. Respond with a plan. Actions speak louder than words. Show her you are more
Calmly, confidently, and with purpose begin to walk this journey slowly. There is no quick fix. No magic phrase.
Change, real change requires time, space, effort, a plan, and guidance.
Time requires patience which we all need.
Space you give her, and yourself.
Effort you provide for your change.
A plan you make and you stick with long enough to see what is working.
Guidance, you get from, listening to her, DR, Coaching sessions, ideas from this board, your spiritual guide (priest, pastor, shaman, whatever)
It will take awhile, and you will not see progress unless you make the journey real. When you do you’ll emerge stronger.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Here's what I came up with. I have a tendency of overloading myself with things and then I become overwhelmed...not that that is obvious or anything.
Here is what I learned today: -My actions are toxic to my W. They are draining her mentally, physically and emotionally. I am suffocating her. -I'm negative and point out the bad that is happening in life. -I have proved that I am not ready to be the man that she needs me to be because I am acting immature, selfish, needy, pushy, negative, etc. -I'm trying too hard -I'm trying to fix the situation...I'm not fixing the situation -I'm not listening -I'm not mentally or emotionally strong in this area -I'm impatient -I'm full of crap. I say I want to do something but I do the opposite. I know what to say and what to do...I just don't do it. -Time is not the enemy....I am -It's time to "man up" -This is not who I want to be -I have a huge advantage and an easier situation than a lot of other people on this forum. My wife is telling me what she wants. My wife is talking to me. -I'm taking all of this for granted -I have people on this board that can help me, but only if I do what they advise and get my feelings out of the equation.
Goals: I want my wife to consider reconciling What mini goals will I need to accomplish in order to get the ball rolling? -Back off, leave her alone. Give her and I space to heal. -Quit finding solutions for her or us and find solutions for me -Stop all unnecessary contact with her. I will not email, text or call her unless it's an emergency or something of that nature. -I will give myself time to learn what I need to learn and grow -No more talk of the past or the future. Only talk about today. -I will listen and talk less…only when she contacts me. -I will wait for her to come to me (See stopping unnecessary contact) How will I know that I am on the right track? -She will want to be around me -She will feel held up by me rather than dragged down. -I will feel like I've accomplished something. -I will begin feeling more peace bed -She will start contacting me a little bit.
Stop being negative and start being more positive What mini goals will I need to accomplish in order to get the ball rolling? -Educate myself about being positive by reading books, doing research on the internet -Stop bringing up the past or future and start worrying about now. -When I feel negative, force myself to find a positive. -Stop talking about what I or someone else has done wrong. Only talk about what they have done right. -Praise the smallest improvement…no matter how small. -Be honest with myself but in a uplifting way. -Stop beating myself up -Relax and breathe -Get more sleep How will I know that I am on the right track? -I will be calmer -I'll have less stress and a happier outlook on life no matter the situation -I will know everything is going to be okay and work itself out -I will feel less unease
Detach from her (quit being afraid of her) What mini goals will I need to accomplish in order to get the ball rolling? -Quit being controlled by emotions. -Stop and think if what I am doing is going to hurt or help the situation? -LEAVE HER ALONE!!! Do not call, text or email unless it's an emergency. -Stop thinking about the future with her and worry about the present with me. -Start working on fixing the house again -Do not be at home when I know she gets off at 6 or goes into work at 2:30. (NOTE: She works a couple blocks from my home. I usually am here in hope that she'll drop by only to be disappointed when she doesn't...and I need to give her and I both space. Seeing her right now just messes with my emotions and I start doing dumb stuff) -Stop talking to people about my marriage. Reserve this for the DB forums only. How will I know that I am on the right track? -I will feel inner-peace and contentment with me -I will stop worrying what she is doing or going to do -I will stop feeling fear and panic to make things work right now -I will begin enjoying time by myself -She will no be the focus of my thoughts or life. I will be.
I do have other goals, but I didn't break them down like this because I don't want to take on too much, too soon. Here are my other goals though:
-I want to add to people's lives and not take away from it -I want to have more fun with the kiddos -I want to be an example to others -Learn the fine art of being a gentleman -I want to bring out the best in people -I want to treat my wife as the special treasure that she is
Okay. So my goals for tomorrow are: -No unnecessary contact with my W -Clean the house and make a plan for renovations -Find something positive around me as many times as I can -Take a walk -Go to the store -Think of one thing positive that would be uplifting to my W. Keep it to myself. (I'm hoping this will get me in the habit of finding the positive and lose focus of the negative).
What do you all think? Are my goals on track, realistic and obtainable? Am I missing something? Is there something I should add or take away? Am I expecting too much or too little?
David, I'm just going to tell you what I think. Please don't be offended. I really want to help you man. I get where you are. With that out of the way....
You really want change?
Read 'Hold onto Your N.U.T.s' and David Deidas 'Ways of the Superior Man'
Look up David DeAngelo too.
Your goals are profound, but you really need to start smaller. QUIT being a wuss and focus on the smallest consistent actions for you. Be YOU...instead of worrying about what she thinks, worry about being the best you.
She is on a whole nutha' plane than you are, and the more you think about this crap and do things for her, the more you get disappointed.
If you want her to come back AND if you want to get through this misery, YOU have to do things for you. It's counter intuitive when you are doing things just for YOU, but that's the thing that attracts them back.
