I admire your strength. But don't get masochistic here. Be SURE you want the "gory" details before you dig and dig
and have not done much forgiveness work (it's time consuming). I almost wonder if you are sabotaging things by asking for so much detail. You are probably right. H and I did have a chat about this last night, and aeolianchaos did mention the danger of emotional fusion so perhaps it's time for me to stop trying to piece the whole sorted mess together.
Also, re your daughter, sorry but it's NOT UP TO HER if you work on your m.
That's a marital choice, not a child's.
I guess in my attempt to summarize (I tend to be too wordy), I didn't make our conversation clear. I did not ask D for her opinion as to whether H should remain in our home. H wanted me to see if D was ready for him to approach her which is how the conversation came up. (We're giving her more time to process and she's already doing better. She's back in school, and she's not spending all her time in her room). Granted, she's moved to the computer room, but at least now she will come into the kitchen when H is in there BUT she still won't look at him. However, in our opinion, she's needs time and we're giving it to her.
Anyway, let me try explaining this again since I seem to have caused a bit of a misunderstanding - I asked D16 if she was ready to talk to H. She said no -- she's still too angry. I said I understood her feelings because I was still angry too. And that's when she said, "Honestly, mom if it was me, I would not stay married to him". I told her that I didn't think it was wise to make big decisions based on anger. She said she understood but that she didn't know how I could even speak to him because he made her very uncomfortable right now, and that's when she brought up that she would not be upset if he moved out and would in fact, prefer it. Due to the tension.
BUT she did say that she would not want to be the one to make that decision because of her little brother. So I took it as her commiserating or offering her support because she was glad I was the one making the decision and not her, due to the fact that if H left, S7 would be devastated. The girl adores her brother. And I never once got the impression that D was telling me to chose between her and S. She's a very smart, sensitive kid (honor role, Gifted Program) and she isn't ranting or raging when we speak. She's actually very calm so I don't feel I'm overly indulging her anger but I AM letting her feel whatever it is she is feeling right now without judgment. It will be a week tonight since the A bomb, and that's simply not enough time for a 16 year old girl to adjust to having her family torn apart by another woman. I can't even imagine, and I'm living it.
Hopefully, I've explained it slightly better this time around.
You have to give her a reason to hope for better from h and from your m and from you
and to show that regardless of
whether you two stay together down the road,
you can't let some psycho Fatal Attraction nut break your family up now.
Just my .02. I think by giving your d too much power, you also burden her with too much responsibility. H and I talked about it and he said he would be willing to move out if that's what she needed but I said I don't think that's the solution. S will be heart-broken, D will feel guilty (and that would harm her too) and batch!t crazy would be able to gloat that she was able to share her pain.
So no, H is not going anywhere right now and D knows it. And she hasn't expressed any disagreement over this decision.
She's trying to protect you and her by saying goodbye to h. That won't end the pain and it brings up more of it
and from where you are at this moment, kicking him to the curb would lead you to 2nd guess yourself and have tremendous self doubt down the road.
You will always wonder what might have been...if you but forgave...
Plus you have a son too.
All of the above is why I'm not rushing into any decision even though I'm angry, hurt and feeling very betrayed. I have learned something by being on DB. I don't know if I can move past this and stay in the M, but I am going to try.
As for the meds, I'm PRO taking them when the alternative is losing it, or hitting or not being able to sleep or asking for gory details.
Yes, I'm strongly leaning towards AD's, or at least something for my anxiety. I took sleeping pills for the first time in my life the other night and immediately noticed the difference in my PMA the following day.
