been gone so long couldn't find my thread! lol!

[TAMF]

I don't think you are finished dealing with your feelings for H though, now are you....?

AND that ^^^^^ is always the hard question to answer!

How can I be completely done when he is constantly in my face, texting me, doing stuff around the house, with the girls all the time, saying he is sorry, saying he loves me, wanting to hug me everytime he sees me? Trying in everyway possible to "act" like he is wanting to get back together...and then he goes home to OW.

It is starting to piss me off. He is working a train to minneapolis right now and I sent him a text that said we need to have a serious conversation when he gets home. We need to communicate. he said "SURE!"

Because I can't handle this anymore. He needs to stop.

[PEI]

He needs to stop.

He's not going to change what is working for him.

So, tell us ... what boundaries are you willing to put in place?

[ericmsant2]

TAMF,

Do you want truth and honesty or do you want me to blow smoke up your butt and tell you what you want to hear?

Actually, I’ll make that choice…you being my friend and all. I will preface what I say to you with a I want the best for YOU and YOUR girls.

How can I be completely done

Why the rush to be completely done? I think I know the reason and if you could take a step back, I think you do too. Take a step back, be honest with ourselves…man that is hard.. it is some really hard chit to do. It is sooooo easy to live the fantasy, so easy to say F this, sooo easy to listen to what everyone else has to say….sooo easy to blame SOMEONE ELSE for our lack of happiness. SO EASY to place our happiness in the hands of someone ELSE. Man it is easy. I have done it…too many time to count if ya want honesty – and I know that YOU KNOW this about me.

when he is constantly in my face, texting me, doing stuff around the house, with the girls all the time, saying he is sorry, saying he loves me, wanting to hug me everytime he sees me? Trying in everyway possible to "act" like he is wanting to get back together...

Who allows him in YOUR face, Who allows him to TEXT you, Who allows him to be at the house?

YOU DO…or rather did…or maybe still do.

YOU did because you were afraid to let him go…..afraid to stand up for yourself. FTR, I did the same thing TAMF….same f*cking thing.

You never set a boundary…and if you did…your broke them. Do you think he is going to respect you this way? Do you think that he will believe you when you say “enough”? Psst….wanna know why that boundary was not set, why the boundary was not followed? CAUSE NO MATTER WHAT YOU TELL ME, TELL THESE F*CKING BOARDS, TELL OTHER POSTERS, TELL YOURSELF……this I KNOW…..YOU LOVE THIS MAN! He is everything that you want…..at least a slightly improved version of the old H.

Take a step back for a second and think about the tall football, dark haired…man that he was and maybe still is.

I have sat by a fire with you and seen it in your eyes, I have sat and had dinner with and have seen it in your eyes, I have heard you cry, I have heard you talk about how much you love him, so if you wanna tell me that now, a mere two weeks or so after that I saw this, that you are now done….well I’ll call bullchit! And I call it with love in my heart towards you...cause I know you would do the same for me.


I know you well enough to know that YOU LOVE HIM…….LOVE HIM A LOT…

But what has prompted this….well for starters you are really pissed the f off. WHY?

and then he goes home to OW.

This is why ^^^^^^

Cause you think that SHE has something you do not.

You are tired of standing..

Tired of waiting for his as*

Tired of not getting your emotional needs met

Tired of not getting your physical needs met (and FTR, I just purchased Duracell stock….sorry had to interject a little humor here).

So you looked….You wanted to meet someone….f*ck you left the door wide open. I have done this same thing girl….I left mine open many, many, many, many times.

It is starting to piss me off.

What is pissing you off is that RIGHT NOW IMO, is the FEELING you probably FEEL that your H is in YOUR way. SO you blame him. You are putting all of the responsibility on HIM. Man have I done the same thing with my XW. It was her fault, it was all her, it was her crisis, it was the OM, it was the job, it was …..was….was……So guess what? I found someone to make it all better. Someone that understood me. Guess what? It is was no DIFFERENT that what my XW did to me. NONE…yeah, packaged a little different….but JUSTIFIED none the less.

He is working a train to minneapolis right now and I sent him a text that said we need to have a serious conversation when he gets home. We need to communicate. he said "SURE!"

SO HE HAS ALL THIS POWER OVER YOU….YOU need to wait for HIM…

And this wait…therein lies the rub…….wanna know why you are waiting? Cause deep down inside you want him to turn around and tell you that he loves you, he is breaking up with slut whore (you know that’s my nickname for her)….you want him back. I say this because when you are done….ya don’t give a hoot. When you are done, you really do not care about what he thinks. You’d pick up your phone, call your L and let her know to do x, y and z.

Sorry sweetie but you are not done by a long shot. You can tell me to F off (although I don’t think it is like you).

Because I can't handle this anymore. He needs to stop.

Don’t you mean that he needs to let you go so that you can go pursue an R with someone else? Cause that is what I think it is. I wanted the same…..chit…I felt in love….i felt that if only my XW would leave the house…then I can go start my life. Go be with someone who had done the “work”….had all of the emotional criteria I was looking for….was good in the sack….was kind….was an LBS….was everything I had been living and feeling. Oh…boy did I FEEL in love….OR SO I THOUGHT.

I have walked the path that you are on right now, I am different than you in many ways….but the similarity is amazing.

Stop for a second TAMF…..

It is hard….

Very…hard….

Even with everything I have posted up above ^^^^^….I will still as your friend support whatever it is you decide to do. Whatever.

Oh...and your "can't handle" comment - BULLCHIT! You are one of the strongest women I know. If you wanna make excuses for yourself go right ahead....but I know you are stronger and better than this.

Letting go and living your life is very different than "done".

Gotta go

God Bless
Eric

[ericmsant2]

TAMF,

I wanted to leave you with this post….and I hope and pray that you really think about this.

When I say what I say to you, it's not because I read it in another thread or because I learned it from a book. No it is based on the hard…no very f*cking hard lessons that I experienced, lived , and breathed. The experiences that caused pain for many people involved.

Where you are is one of the hardest parts of the damn healing process. The feelings, the wanting, the urge to finally find out if you were really as horrible as he accused you of being. For me, was I really lucifer incarnated as she made me out to be. Someone once told me and it may not be a popular idea around here is ….that the only way to know for sure, is to experience the feelings, the urges, to live it. To have a real live crash test dummy i.e. a “rebound”.

What I can tell you after going down this path many, many times, is that no one deserves to EVER be a crash test dummy for relationship testing purposes. No one. Not YOU and NOT the OP involved. Not the current OP and not a future OP. Yet we do it so all of the time. Pain. That is the result of this. The pain the OP feels and the PAIN and GUILT YOU will feel when you really realize it….usually way too f*cking late.

TAMF, you are going to go through these emotions. Feeling everything around you and testing every avenue along the way. And what you are gonna find out in the end, is that although you are moving along fairly well, and remaining true to yourself, the person on the other side, giving these things back, is NOT the person you WANT giving them back to you. What you will find is that deep down inside YOU really want….no…wished…that your H was LIKE the OP and NOT vice versa.

Do you think that is fair to the OP? Do you think it is fair to TAMF? I can tell you it is NOT.

You keep saying you are done…..man I have been there done that. What I have learned…no…experienced is that being done doesn't mean you post it, tell everyone, scream it from the mountaintops. Nope it comes to you quietly. It happens over time. It happens when you look back and realize that you can look at the M, the old R, look at your H and feel differently.

Here is what I see right now…..your actions aren't too much different from his.

You are using anger toward him to push away from him, to help you get done. You are using the OP and those feeling to help you be done….not to different that what he did with slut whore.

Why do I say this…..cause you are threatening him with Divorce now. Not to different than what he was saying to you…..those days when he tried to tell you about how he felt toward slut whore.

So TAMF, I'm sorry, but my New York born and raised, swearing, metro, tutu wearing ass is calling BULLCHIT that you are done.

I have nothing else to say except……

You know the woman that I refer to….we’ll call her Miss G.

We both were really hurt by what happened. We both learned a lot about what happened, why it happened…..it was hard, very hard. Do we regret it? I do not. What I do regret is the pain that we caused each other. You can ask her yourself.

Think about this TAMF….think about this.

God Bless,
Eric

[MrBond]

If he's constantly around, then what you need to do is to not be so accessible. Tell him you're going out and then do so. Don't pick up the phone all the time when he calls. You have to get him to want you and not the OW.

Show that he can't have you. That it is YOUR decision whether or not he is going to be in your life. Not his.

That is, of course, if you want to stay married.

[AJM]

TAMF, Eric is right, I think. You need to be careful to really think about what it is you want and if you can get it.

The easier part is when they are gone. When they come around it is pain all over again as the burden shifts.

But don't be in a hurry. Check your feelings (you did start down that path anwyay - it's why you're here right?)

That's the thing here. You were surprised by the sudden change. Remember how that feels? You are ambling along just fine and then, "wham!" spouse changes direction and all h*ll breaks loose. Why? Because it wasn't expected nor asked for. It is painful because you have to deal with it. One way or another, you have to look beyond here and now and deal with it in a way that you want to. It's a burden you didn't have before and suddenly you do. It takes adjustment. It takes...time.

Don't be rash. Don't be...anything. Time will allow you to set those boundaries. To see what it is you want. It is possible that you don't want H any longer. It is possible you do. But the static right now would make that very difficult.

I posted this because what I read in your posts is that you were happy he came around but then angry that he still lives with OW. You don't trust him. I wouldn't expect you to. You are dealing with sudden and unexpected change. That's hard.

Now that this is out of the way, you do realize you are equipped to face this and deal with it, right? You have the tools and experience to deal with this head on. You may not know all the things you want. But I suspect you want to see where this goes. I suspect that Eric is right that you are not "done".

I also think that boundaries are a very good and healthy thing to set and enforce. Not walls, but boundaries. Good healthy boundaries.

One way or another you are likely to have a relationship with him if for no other reason than the kids. Can't escape that.

Stand and face TAMF. Hard as that is, stand and face your feelings and your situation. Figure out what it is you need and want while you stand and face. Don't be worried about it because you really are the one with the control. Don't be afraid of that either - you have the tools to handle that.

The anger? I would think that's normal. I would be angry. I would have some things that needed to be said and done. It's a progression. But it doesn't mean you can put a blind eye to the things you feel and want. You will have to deal with them now or later...


AJ

[TAMF]

Thanks AJ Mr. Bond and E - lots to think about. I appreciate all of the advice. I don't always like to hear it. Sometimes the posts I recieve cause me great anxiety.

But at least i am reading and absorbing. Not always argeeing but always absorbing.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Stones and glass houses...
No stones here.
: )

TAMF,

Are you TAMF, because that is who you are, by yourself, or are you TAMF because you have or think you do a partner in your life?

I remember the anger at my wife, the rage. I even have an old post here about it. How dare she? How dare she come around and start meeting the smallest of goals I would have given up an arm for when I first came here, why was she doing this right when I had the most amazing opportunity developing?

What about MY happiness? What about MY wants...I pretty much sounded like...well any of the LBS spouses.

God I wanted her to fail.

But, I wouldn't be Jack...I wouldn't be Jeff, ME, I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't give her the chance.

I just got back from a wedding this weekend.

The priest said.

Falling in love, is easy...it is as easy as falling out of love.
The hard part, the hardest part is staying in love.

What do you think TAMF?

I think it's true.

[cat04]

Just a thought...

It would be easier with a new person...

No one to forgive, no old hurts to get over, no work to be done because there isn't the past to deal with...

And maybe that person is another LBS, isn't that even better?

I mean, this person understands what you have been through. This person has been there themselves. This person not only makes you feel wonderful about you, they empathize with all that you have been through.

This person also has their own wounds that they carry with them.

Could it possibly work out?

Absolutly.

IF they have done the work on themselves.

IF they are done for the right reasons.

IF you are done for the right reasons.

IF you both know who you are, separate from ANY relationship.

IF you are both committed to working on a relationship in the future, because it only stays rosy for a short time...

Then, something happens, that reminds you of something from the past, your old relationship, your old wounds, and suddenly you are dealing with old issues or similar issues with a new person, a LBS with their own issues.

That will make you question. It may make you want to quit. It may end up being the hill that you die on...

Suddenly, this person, who was so perfect for you, isn't so perfect anymore. Now, they are just another human being, in a R with you, and it isn't as easy as you thought.

Truth be told, I believe it is harder.

Lots of IFs involved, and lots of DBing required (oh don't think you won't have to DB anymore, especially with another LBS)

Once you get past the newness, once you get past the commonalities of being LBS together, is there really a basis for a relationship?

Or were you receiving something from one person that you wanted from another?

Only you will be able to answer those questions...

And they are hard questions...

Your anger regarding your H and his behaviors, your reasons that you can't detatch...

Tell me what I believe your answers are...

My answers to myself for those very questions, were very different from what I believe yours to be...

My best advice, end one R before beginning another one. NOT because of another one.

No regrets...

[beatrice]

Good post cat - as others have pointed out, as long as there is any emotion involved there are feelings involved, whether we decide to acknowledge them fully or not. We aren't 'over' them until we feel nothing, not even anger.

We may have decided that they aren't good for us, and even that we don't like them very much and what they have done. But the decision to end something is seldom an administrative convenience. In fact the very fact that it has to be a 'decision' tells us something.

I get the impression that you are still carrying a lot of feeling for your stbx and are torn between him and new guy, who at this point has the advantage of newness. And hasn't hurt you a lot. Cat gave good advice, as have all the other posters [including the tutu wearing guy LOL]

Most decisions can be reversed, life is a long game, which most people play for short term goals and happiness. It is getting the balance right and seeing beyond the present without putting your life on hold. It is a very tough choice you face.