Yes this was her first encounter. I just did a dumb thing. I called her and told her that I couldn't be what the OW was. I told her that all te good stuff the woman said about her was a lie. Their relationship was based on a lie. She said wonderful things, slept with her, then ditched her to go work on her marriage (ironic?). Told her that I want to make her feel special and everything, but life isn't always roses. The thing is that I'm still here...I've always been here...more than anyone has in her whole life.
I know, I know. I broke so many rules it's ridiculous.
She yelled at me and told me that I'm saying all these things but I'm proving to her right now that I can't be the person she needs or wants. I'm pointing out all the negative, telling her everything she does wrong...I'm pushing her.
She's right. You're right. I'm doing this stuff because I'm afraid she already has her mind made up that I can't be what she needs. I know I can be. Even right now, I feel like I just messed up and all is lost. This is why I wanted to go completely black. It's too much pressure.
She did say that she didn't want to divorce but to separate, but she can't promise we'll get back together. That scares the $*!# out of me. I know I need to change this, but I feel like I can't live without her...let ms rephrase that. I can live without her, I just don't want to.
I know people say to let go. I'm sure it's already been said a million times, but how do I do it? Even though she keeps hurting me, I still want to be with her, but I'm at te point that I cannot deal with this pain and crazy emotions anymore. It's consuming my life. I don' know how to do it. Nothin is clicking for me.
Do you think that I pushed her too far this time? Is that something I should even be worrying about right now?
