Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

[AntoniaB]

Alone, this sentence is hysterical:

"So, even if you're not trying to DB, you've probably reached a point where you could handle putting yourself out there to try in the event the OW was to tragically meet her demise falling into the orchestra pit."

Thank you! That will really stick with me :-)

You know, you're right--I'm not really trying to DB (or am I?) I don't want the old XH back, I want him to be himself without the codependency issues that we both had, because they aren't good for HIM or for anyone he's with. Our problems were VERY similar. We both came from families with their own issues that made us truly codependent people. I've "seen the light." He hasn't. If he does...and he starts to work on himself...and he makes an overture...and I'm not involved with someone....then YES. I could see myself opening the door to reconciliation.

That's a lot of "ifs." But it's not impossible. I changed. So can he. He just needs something to set off his change. Who knows what that might be? It isn't going to be me, though. It's not going to come from my acting like he doesn't exist or being afraid to see him.

So in the meantime, or, for the rest of my life if that's what is meant to be, I'm just living as if we're over. I'm not really actively seeking a relationship. I'm not that uncomfortable being alone. It doesn't eat at me anymore. But if something falls in my lap, and it feels right, then I'll explore that.

I'm not really that neutral YET. I think I'm neutral in my email or text exchanges. I could probably be neutral over the phone if we were to talk. But I don't know if I could handle seeing him without falling apart. I really don't.

I'm taking my doctor's advice on that--she said if you are working towards neutrality, once you feel you can, then you take things as they come. If you have to see him and it becomes a huge effort to get out of seeing him, then see him. If it's no big deal, then don't. But do whatever takes the least energy. That's sort of the definition of neutrality.

Alone, you're so early into this...I am at 15 months post-bomb...so that's probably why the edge is gone now on the pain. That will happen with more time passing for you. But for now it actually is protecting to your psyche that you have that "flight" response. My "flight" response lasted about 5 months or so, then I converted it to "fight"; not fight HIM, but fight my own mind which was keeping me stuck in a pain and blame cycle. I think when the X is disengaged from your life to a large degree, your only "enemy" is your own head, and your head can be REALLY stubborn...