time and distance

[Telemark]

I'm not sure that I had a defining moment...when my W continued her EA after telling me she had stopped, that planted the seed, I suppose. Then she moved out after 5 months of "living together alone". That pushed me a little further toward thinking it was not going to survive. When I found out the OM was moving nearly across the country to move in with her, that did it for me.

I took a harsh, realistic look at our M. Neither of us trusted the other. Respect had gone out the window. Her assertion that she never really loved me had some merit, because I don't think she knows how to really love anyone, including herself. I tried to picture us together again, and all I really saw was a marriage of suspicion and convenience. It would be easy for both of us to slip back into our co-dependent destructive habits. And there always would be the thought that she would get into another EA or a PA, if not with the current OM, then with someone else.

Who wants to live like that?

I'm learning how to live in the moment. Have you read The Journey From Abandonment to Healing? It is a good read, although some of the practical exercises are a bit strange. It helped me understand why I was feeling rejected, or sad, or angry, or in a full-blown panic. And it encourages you to live in the moment, not to dwell on the past (it's over-can't do anything about it) or worry about the future (it's in the future and anything could happen-can't do anything about that, either).

AC, I know what you are feeling, and it can be paralyzing. But you have to try to think about anything other than your situation, because right now it is completely out of your control. No amount of worry or angst will change anything.

Be selfish. Do anything you want (that's legal). Get out of the house. You have to pump yourself up. I know it's hard, my friend. It takes an ungodly amount of mental energy and willpower to get up, get moving and not think about your W. I still think of my W almost constantly, but the longing I felt only a few days ago is slowly being replaced with acceptance, a little anger-and that's OK; it reminds us that this was not all our fault-and a tiny bit of optimism about the future. I'm not thinking about next year, next month or even next week...just taking one day at a time. It's a cliche, but it works.

You're a good man, AC. You deserve better, and it will come to you. I just read this:

"Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit."

I like that. I've started to look for little inspirational gems like this anywhere. It all helps.