It isn't impacting her the way you want it to, but how is it impacting you? Are you living up to what is best in you?
It's a mixed bag honestly. In some ways.. I am really happy with myself. My dad left for 9 months when I was 9 and I never really got past it. While in MC with my w, I explained that this felt very similar to me. I promised her and myself that I would do everything in my power not to hate her. To stop being selfish and hear what she has to say. I've made it a point to do that across the board in my life and am really happy with the results. It's radically changing almost all aspects of my life.. except with w.
The negative side is that it feels like constant work. It's constant because I don't get to "shut off". I don't get to let the anger consume me. So feeling everything else is painful. It's retraining my brain ALL THE TIME. At least that what it feels like.
While I change and my w appears to not notice anymore, it's a huge temptation to "treat her as she treats me" vs. "treating her as I would want to be treated". It's not that she is being mean, it's just that she has stopped caring about if things hurt me, she has stopped caring about my feelings. It doesn't help that some of my friends think that I abuse the grace and compassion to stop from moving on and to fuel my co-dependency issues.
It's a lot aeo and If I'm honest, I'm fighting myself. I'm fighting my selfish wants and fighting my negative feelings. I very much felt like I didn't have a "voice" in my m. Now I don't have one in my D and it bothers me. The truth is that I do have a voice, always have, but never thought my w heard me or have been afraid to use it.. etc.
Originally Posted By: aeolianchaos
Crystal clear. You feel like she is monitoring your experiences and adventures so she is kind of 'connected' but at the same time she is free from having to make any kind of substantial movement in terms of being a part of your real life. Given your previous relationship dynamic, this kind of thing seems off to you, right?
it is a change in dynamic. My w and I spent a lot of time together. Too much time together. The reasons behind are both positive and negative. She admitted that I embarrassed her. I was too shy and a lot of her friends weren't super comfortable with a lesbian couple. I. She always wanted to be normal and we weren't. It was always hard walking into a situation where people didn't accept me My friends were a complete 180 but I had more. She felt jealous.
However at the same time, it is the same. My w ran when things got hard. When she didn't want to deal with me or m, she didn't. When she didn't feel like she was worthy to be in people's lives, she didn't make the effort. I don't know what her reasons are now.. I guess it doesn't matter.
Sometimes when I talk about all of this stuff.. I think "no wonder she feels like we can't change our dynamic. We were so unhealthy together in a lot of ways.. no wonder she doesn't want to work on the m or have me in her life. It would mean a sh!tload of work".
Originally Posted By: aeolianchaos
You have done tremendous work and evolved a lot over the past 5 months. This is important stuff! I have to think that you respect yourself more as a result of all of this. As you acknowledge, your W's path right now is pretty blatantly her own. Whether or not it leads her to where she believes it may take her, well... who knows?
Thank you. I do. That's true about w. Just dealing with the fact it doesn't include me. In many ways it feels like I'm back in every stage of the grieving process EXCEPT acceptance.. which is where I want to be.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
