Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I'm sorry for what you faced. My XH was told in therapy that children of alcoholics are often very anxious as adults because they are forced to be perfectionists, and this really has a toll on them when they are older as they beat themselves up for not hitting the mark, and they set their own marks too high because of the expectations placed on them.

Thank you for the empathy Antonia. I am not sorry. In a way it's made me very strong, in other ways it's weakened me. Now I know why and how, it's something to build on.

Yes I agree with you, and the co-dependant relationships and the roles we play within the family to make it function around the person with the addiction are mind blowing. It's not a wonder we choose other children of alcoholics as partners.

Like you up until this year I had the idea that my family, if not perfect, was good, loving and not abusive. So not the case! Once you see the reality it's hard to deny anymore.

And, again I agree with you.
Once you address your own issues of self esteem and figure out it's not behaviourally based, but because,you as a human being, have intrinsic worth and value that NO ONE can take from you; you then are able to feel better about you, forgive yourself, and address your own bad behaviour from a compassionate and understanding place. Then that compassion and understanding you can extend to others as well.

In my father's world (and to a lesser extent my mother's) self-esteem seems to come from being able to control people or things. Not from within yourself. Not from showing compassion towards those who deserve it the least

This is a child's view of the world. Children feel they are the masters of their own universe, they believe that that they 'cause' things to happen and take all the blame for the bad things that happen to them. ( Death to divorce and things in between).
They feel so out of control internally, they believe their only mastery is over the external.

Your father like mine, is emotionally stuck at about 6 months old and behaviourally stuck at about 2-3 years of age. (There are reasons for that I've learned but it's too much to get into.)
What he's doing is a classic temper tantrum.
"I don't like peas and you can't make eat them!" Sound familiar?