Yea there are some things that might conflict with the DB stuff. And yea i am also aware of sandi's sig on 'do what works.
When i look back...I would have done exactly the same just 6 months ago. Now.... Nope i would not. Don't get me wrong. Just in my case i was always the guy who pleased his wife waaay too much. Hopefully in your case, your B-day wishes were a 180 ??
Without a doubt there are some things that I did that conflict with DB’ing. Buying my W gifts from my children, giving her flowers and taking her to dinner, fall under the don’ts in lines 8 and 9.
However, 9 also says “Save for later when the R is much better.” Does this mean when we are piecing? Not IMO. I think it means when we can be in each other’s presence without any pressure of R/M talk or without any expectations from what we are doing together. I feel comfortable with what was done for her b-day. The only expectation that I had was for my W to say “thank you”. She did.
When we talk about “what works” in the forums, that depends on what our definition is of “what works”. Obviously the ultimate goal when we first come here is to reconcile. I have read many success stories on these forums and in the DR. Some were successful using the LRT, while others were successful staying in the friendship zones, etc. Their successful results were not all based on following the same map. Of course we do not do what does not work. That’s why the list of 37 DO’s and DON’Ts is so handy. My interpretation of “what works” is when an action is reciprocated with a positive reaction.
Everything that I did for my W’s birthday was reciprocated with a positive reaction from her. Now this was a special occasion and these things will not happen every day.
BTW, the b-day wishes were more of a 90 than a 180. Lol Some of the things that I did were consistent with who I have been in our R. The things that were changed up, were what the gifts (necklaces) were from our children.
MK, after all of my rambling, 6 months ago I would have done what you would do today. Not much. A simple happy b-day text.
Hmmm……I’m thinking about getting me more sessions with a DB coach.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
