Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

[AntoniaB]

What's amazing is that for so long I insisted that there were no problems in my family. I remember saying to XH when he first went into crisis and said I had problems, "but I'm perfect on paper". That was my arrogance, that came from my family's attitude. My mom's reaction to XH leaving me? "Things like this just don't happen in OUR family." She's said that to many friends. They are embarrassed at what happened. Can you see why I have issues with self-esteem? Because they taught me if I was just perfect, everything wonderful would fall at my feet. And if I failed, and someone did something to hurt me, then I could write them off forever and never forgive.

Did I mention dad is an alcoholic who also drinks way more than his usual when mom is gone? The first email where he told me to stay home came at 2:34am. Guaranteed, he was drinking and got himself all angry at me for speaking to someone (XH) outside "the family circle" and that's what set this off.

But on the outside, our family appears to be perfect.

It is sad. At least I am really close to my sisters. We all see the problems. My mom sort of does but she also contributes to them, and my sister recently had to go into therapy for, you guessed it, anxiety and fear and panic and low self-esteem, just like big sis, and her therapist said it all stems from having parents who are FAR too involved in our lives and who won't allow us to grow up, who still interact with us like we are children even in our 30's and 40's.

Wow this whole DB experience has been a HUGE eye-opener into my whole life. Old me would have blown him off. "New" me sent the email saying "I'll come up at a moment's notice", and I'll continue to check in on him this week and keep offering. But I'm also not about to set myself up for an alcoholic's spewing at me if he doesn't want me there for his own misguided reasons...