I am happy with my marriage in general. I am very unhappy with the lack of sex in my marriage.
A lot of people seem to have trouble understanding how both statements can be true at the same time. Perhaps the statements are both true for us because, if nothing else, we learned in therapy how to keep our sexual differences from needlessly spilling over into other areas of our life. Some of it has to do with developing a genuine ability to see your partner's lack of interest in sex as just "low libido" rather than a lack of caring or love for you.
....It's understanding the value of all the things we have left besides sex.....
At the urging of 25, who I respect a lot, I will comment, even though I have been trying to spend less time following people on this forum.
As someone who has been married now for over 40 years and as someone who was once in an SSM, I think I understand what you are saying and I agree with much of what you are saying.
However, having worked hard at reparing my relationship with my W and now having a "real sex life" even if it isn't everything I want, is a great improvement in my happiness.
Let me just say that yes, you can find a comfortable relationship with a wife in an SSM. It is hell to try to change it, but the rewards are worth it, if you succeed.
You just need to decide what you want. Ultimately, my wife's anger at me and sexual rejection went from neutral and barely acceptable to me, to being on the edge of emotionally abusive. Her change caused me to take a good look at myself in the mirror and make some changes. Those changes were an active GAL, some 180's, and making my W feel loved each and every day.
MWD's SSM book, 5 Languages of Love by Chapman, Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight, Glover's NMMNG, Snarch's PM, and Gottman's 7 Principals all really helped me figure who I was, what I needed from my W, and how to approach her. That and the help of folks on this website, and a great sex therapist got my wife and myself back to being a sexually active couple.
While I am still not 100% happy, I am much happier as is my wife. One of the things that she told me during sex therapy was that she had felt bad about our lack of physcial/emotional closeness and she is now much happier. You might want to think about that as you contemplate how you want to live your life. Life is short.
Something that a doctor told me wife was that most of the older women she examines who aren't having sex with their husbands and either the husband or the wife has no medical reason that prevents intercourse, have relationships where the wife has deeply seated and held anger toward the husband for something that was done or not done long ago. It is a wound that will not heal. Part of the healing process for my wife was my apologizing to her for hurting her many years ago by emotionally withdrawing from her and focusing on my career (to be a good provider to our family) and her realizing that she had emotionally withdrawn from me and her doing that caused me as much pain as what I had done to her. When she realized how much she had hurt me and how I must have felt the same kind of pain/anger she felt, she emotionally broke down. That allowed her to accept my apology and her to forgive me and ask me for my forgiveness.
While you may think that your wife is just LD, she may really (either on a consious or subconsious level) be angry with you.
Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
