I'm in shock, found out he has pursued OW, help

[25yearsmlc]

Ct,

You do not look pathetic at all. You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. Now that you know better, you can do better.

That's what is so great about this site. The vets who have stuck around do the great service of passing down what they've learned and experienced on their own journeys.

Hang in there. It does get better.

CTF,

Don't despair...for one thing, it's more of the same. But keep your eye on the ball b/c this is a learning experience and mistakes will be made.

As the 12 steppers say

"Dear God, help me see that mistakes are not tragedies -- but please help me learn from them!"

And I was as "pathetic" and bitter as anyone here, but a lot more verbal about it!! So what happened?

IN short-

I worked on myself and I changed.

Then the way I interacted with h changed (example below).

Then h changed, and THEN our m entered the phase of piecing, for well over a year.

Then we attended Retrovaille.

For the first time in 5 years, I felt safe in my marriage again--NOT COMPLACENT, but safe...and

there's a big fat difference that is one of the most valuable things I learned here.

That is the summation of my situation in 5 lines or less.


Anyway, pursuant to some great DB coaching advice I got at the time, here's a small but telling example of a change I made in the m and an "almost fight". The way I saw things and reacted were different, and so was h's reaction, and so on...

Below, here's a little but telling example.

Before the MLC, H was our bill payer. He routinely paid ahead of time or on time. Never late.

After he left, he stopped this AND he didn't mention to me, that he would only pay the mortgage...

So to my shock and dismay,

the same day wildfires nearby were forcing evacuations, the Power guy came to turn off our electricity for unpaid bills...lovely...

So I wrote a HUGE check (with penalty added...nice touch)

and when h called later on about the fires, I told him about the utitlies getting nearly turned off.

His first reaction was about HIS credit being affected...after which I almost hung up...

but when I asked about the bill paying situation, so I'd know, he said something in anticipation of me blasting him-

(which was fair b/c it's definitely what I would have done, had it not been for my DB coach session that morning...)

H said "Now YOU get to pay the bills every month, like I've done for the past 20 years!"

and I said "yes, and I want to THANK YOU for that, b/c it Is a stressful chore to do."

He paused for at least 10 seconds, and then replied, "um, you're welcome."

See how different that conversation went?

DB coach had told me to do something I found very very hard to do, as in Mother Teresa hard...

(but unfortunately that says a lot more about how bitter I had become, than how jerky my h was)...

She said to "applaud loudly for the 1% positives h does"....


to "Lose the anger, in front of him" and to set reasonable boundaries BUT

"Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth"....

while balancing your own needs in the picture, don't make it harder for them to return, than it already will be...or is...

Hope this helps.