OW called our house

[Valeska19]

E,
Sorry. I did think for a minute after posting that I wish I could delete it. I was afraid of "projecting" and that is not my intent. I will briefly (try my best) to answer below and then leave it alone. This is your journey. I know you will make the best decisions for you and your family.

if your point in telling the story of your pain and how you still have not forgiven your father and all the wounds are still raw & oozing, haven't even formed scars yet...

is to get endeavor to allow her d to express HER feelings, I say "amen".

Yes it was a good chuck of my intent and well as maybe provide some insight. I wish I could have consolidated and got to the point, but I have a hard time at that.

Otherwise, i think it's a great example of why her d ought to get help to do exactly what you are now hoping to do, which is to learn to let go, b/c if her d holds onto her pain as you have then that's compounding the tragedy
BUT THAT IS NOT HER H'S FAULT....not that part of this...

Exactly. I was not saying that her D shouldn't get help. I think counseling is wonderful and I hope from the depths of my heart that she does NOT follow in my footsteps.

I worry--

just wallowing in her rage and encouraging THAT "oh just justifiable anger"---instead of working through it, ----could ruin her R's with every member of her family...

Agreed completely!

I don't see many similarities between your sitch and hers, other than a man wanted out.

I'm not saying the sitch is similar... only that the feelings are. My nephews just started living with my sister. Dad was an alcoholic. Sitches are completely different but they are still feeling abandonment, rejection, anger. I was just using my story to explain why I felt those things. Again.. I probably just could have cut to the point.

Your dad left, took ONE kid, didn't explain anything to you, you certainly weren't heard, you were told a story about your father you didn't believe, and he took 9 months to return...

Understood. Small note. He didn't take my sister. My sister just decided to walk out too. Not really important here.. but thought I would clarify.

Sorry but I don't see it... I worry about projections....(no offense meant).

None taken at all. Like I said I don't want to project.

Val, you have made great progress here. But I think you just hit on THE underlying issue of your life...and it's not necessarily applicable to her d and frankly, I'm wondering when we are going to ask her daughter to stop having a rage a thon...

That's fine. I'm not saying that I am her D at all or the situations are similiar. Again it's just my journey that I felt compelled to share. We hear stories from LBS, WAS, and pull from them what is relevant in our current life. How often do we hear from the people who were children of these tragedies? If my story helps E get a better understanding of a child's feelings.. great. If it helps her D forgive.. even better. If it's non-relevant at all, that's cool too.

However it's only been a week. She needs time don't you think? I don't know too many of us who was able to stop the anger after one wk. I'm not saying it shouldn't stop.. I just think we need to take some of the grace we are showing to H and show it to D as well. I don't think you are saying not to show her grace. For some reason I'm just feeling that we need to change D's perspective and get her to forgive vs. seeing both sides of the coin. Like we are jumping straight to forgiveness w/o going through all the other steps. Again I think this is my perception.

I keep hearing all over this site that marriages can survive A's....and we ought to open our hearts and minds to forgiveness

especially when we see remorse and change on our partner's part...

Why doesn't that apply to THIS man?

OBVIOUSLY this is Up to endeavor of course, (She can do what she wants & I'll support HER choice)

but I fear we're losing sight of what HE is doing to help things...

and it's pretty much everything possible...

This OW is nuttier than most and that's unfortunate. OTOH he wasn't in love with her

and he wanted out of the A before he got caught...(another distinction between Val's dad and Endeavor's h)


Yes, Sadly, the kids heard OW's craziness and evil and they've been more exposed than most.

But Why does that make this a complete dealbreaker??

(and What does THAT teach them?)

Why does her h gets more punishment than other adulterers? Val, you were willing to forgive your w's infidelities or other things, and your m was shorter and there are no children.

Is this man to be punished more B/c the kids know?

See, I don't get that.

I didn't speak much about the H at all. My post was purely about D. I am curious why you think I am saying that 25?? Honestly that comment about me being married less with no kids stung. But that is something that we can perhaps discuss on my sitch.

E - I have posted before about forgiving your H and I haven't changed my mind. I think we all need to forgive. Ourselves, the people who wrong us.

This website has changed my opinion about working through marital problems and affairs.. so if you can do it, awesome!

I don't think you should show your H any less grace than you are currently.

I'm not saying that he should be treated any different than any other adulterer we talk about. If it came across that way I apologize.


Thank you 25 for taking the time to make sure E didn't pull anything from my sitch that could hurt her with her sitch. That would have been truly sad.