Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

[AntoniaB]

Beatrice I think you have it right about his people pleaser persona. In the very short time he did go to therapy when we were first separated, his IC said he was a pleaser and had been from early childhood as the second kid in an abusive home sitch where his brother was routinely terrorized in front of him. He learned to do whatever the strong force in his life wanted (his mother). When he met me he loved that I was SO opposite her. In fact, he said that the day he left long term GF #1 was the day he realized she and his mom were "perfect" for each other. She and I clashed remarkably. I was his protector from her.

His IC said that as the daughter of parents who were extremely pushy to be "perfect" and high achieving but also very codependent on them for praise, that I turned this on him--I was highly ambitious and he was not, and he then became a support figure to me while also feeding my codependence that he would face anything I didn't. Eventually I became like his mother I guess. So then he leaves for someone he says is "completely independent and doesn't need him." But if he's following her around to all her performances and being her escort while he still doesn't get his own life, then she is using him too, and he's now pleasing her, and ironically, he's still trying to please me. I can sense so much that he wants me to tell him he did the right thing--because it gave him "new experiences" (rather SHE did), AND because it also broke me so apart that I had to become a different person/a better one to survive.

All this stuff from childhood that this IC very astutely identified is why I have a hard time believing that he can ever change. I mean, I did, but I had to lose everything to change, and I have always been much more open to asking for others to help and helping myself. That's not who he is. And this is why I feel sorry for him, truly sorry, that he may never have the tools to overcome this stuff. This is why I still try to help him (i.e. telling him how beneficial meditation has been for me hoping he'll get interested and inquire).

And Alone, wow I bet it was a novel to read the whole sitch ;-) I think what your dad said is true---he doesn't want me but he's also made comments that sound like he'd be jealous if someone else wanted me. I've actually said to him before, don't take any credit for my progress, don't tell yourself that the affair was the right thing to do just because I am a better person now. His response is always "I'd never say or think that." But I do thinkn that he wants to lower his guilt, and if he can tell himself that his ex-wife is doing beautifully, and that he's had some "great opportunities" or whatever, it's a way he rationalizes what he did. Same thing with my now speaking to him. I do think I'm letting him (his guilt) off the hook a little by talking to him as opposed to blocking him out forever.

HOWEVER, I did feel a lot less burdened in a weird way when I started to talk to him; I felt like it was moving me toward accepting a sitch that I can't control, where shutting him out was a way of avoiding it/unacceptance. So it's good for me to be in some contact, but for him? Yeah. It's probably lessening his guilt a bit. But really I guess I shouldn't worry about that. It's not my job to deliver his karma to him. That's what I keep saying to myself. Not my job.

I think when it all comes down to it, maybe his karma will come the first time that he has a truly awful fight with OW and knows that an hour away is his XW, who is not bearing a grudge, who is kind and forgiving, and who has fought most of her demons from the past and emerged the type of person he would have wanted to be married to, and who he voluntarily walked away from.