I'm sorry that the craziness continues. After all the progress the two of you have made, I know it's extremely frustrating when OM comes back into the picture. I do have a few suggestions for you.
Number 1: STOP discussing OM with her, and stop snooping around trying to find out when they are together. Instead, you simply need to tell her that as long as OM is in her life, you do not care to have any sort of relationship other than a co-parenting one (if that is truly how you feel). It is absolutely fine for you to enforce that boundary. She needs to learn that she can't have the best of both worlds...turning to you for friendship, comfort, companionship, etc when he's gone and then running back to him when he's in town. When you snoop around trying to find information about them, you most likely are just going to cause yourself more pain. Put OM and OM with your wife out of your mind and focus on continuing to be a great dad and a great man.
Number 2: STOP bringing her parents into this. MWD suggests that you do not reach out to family members, mutual friends, etc. to tell them what the WAS is doing and try to get them on "your side." You know that you are doing the right thing by putting the children first (and that she isn't); your wife also knows this (on some level, even if she's trying to ignore the fact), and her parents also know it. You don't need to point it out to or validate with anyone else, least of all her parents, that what she is doing is wrong. When you need to vent about your situation, get on here or call a close friend who is trustworthy and will listen to you. Also, I would tell her that when the two of you have an agreed upon schedule and something comes up with work, traffic, etc. that keeps you from getting to the kids on time, the rule needs to be: 1) call the other parent to see if they can pick up/take care of the children. If that parent isn't available, 2) call her parents (or another adult you have agreed upon to help out when one of you cannot be there).
Number 3: DON'T let what is going on with your marriage cause you to backslide in the amazing progress you've made in your life. You've come so very far with giving up alcohol. Your kids are seeing what a great man you are. Stay strong!!!
Right now, YOU are the stronger person and parent. Stay the course and stay focused on your goals, both in your marriage and your personal goals. You've come too far to backslide into your old ways.
You have my support and that of others on the boards. Keep us updated, and STAY STRONG!
Since my last post my wife has text me and called me, I am just ignoring her, I do not want to speak to her
She has lied to me and abused the love I have for my children so she can see OM, I would do anything to see my children but she has used that love, so she could see OM
That is not fair on the children or me
She has called several times whilst I've been writing this and I get the feeling she is starting to panic!! I've had about 10 calls!!!!!
I pull back, I will have the kids on the nights we have previously agreed and end all contact.
I don't like her and she will be worse off without me in her life than I will be without her and the deception.
I have never spoken to her parents about us, they really turned against me when we split, so I am not trying to get merit points off them, but with the situation this week, they have seen what is really happening and not just what their daughter is telling them.
I am sick of always being the bad guy, I know I've made mistakes, and I'm paying the price for that now, but this is a chance for people to see the truth, I'm not a bad person, and I am a good father.
I will continue with this stance, this is really the first time in a long time that I have not messed up and she has the upper hand, this time she has done wrong, in regard to lying and her attitude to our children, and I don't want to be a part of it no longer. So I can say that I don't want to speak to her without any consideration of guilt on my part.
I agree with your point,I do now have to set boundaries, and just let her get on with whatever she thinks best. Because of how I feel I don't want to contact her, previously I have, I haven't done it, but I have wanted to!
This is real DBing as I feel like the WAW now, and she has to come to me, if she doesn't, I'm not bothered, I am hurt and angry with the lies, if she does, she needs to work pretty hard for me to soften again and be the friend at the end of the phone to her every need.
I miss and love my wife, but I have to protect myself, she has moved on, and I think by her actions, there is an element of guilt?, why keep calling me???
I'm very confused and very hurt, I need to think about me.
Hey, DC, sorry for all the crap you have had to put up with lately.
By not returning her every call and text, you are showing her you are standing by what you say, whether she likes it or not. This panicky calling and texting she is doing may be because she is mixed up, torn between you, because of your history together, and the changes she has seen in you, and the om, who may or may not really want her over the long term.
It would be my guess, if om stopped taking her calls, she would be panic calling and texting him, too.
Now she knows you know way more than she thought you did, and can't lie about that anymore. So, just take care of what you say to her parents or other family. You explained the other situation to them, so no need to tell them the other stuff you found out.
I know you love having your kids, but when it is her time, and she suddenly wants you to take them when it is for a purely social reason, let her find a sitter for them, maybe her parents, even.
You do need to think about you, now, and just focus on yourself and those kids.
Crazy stuff DCSUK. How are the meetings going? I'm sure you need them.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
I don't know, DC, it may or may not be over. Now she gets to see the consequences of her actions; losing the great rapport you two had been building. She enjoyed the cozy chats, now she gets none.
Really, you are doing so well. I have known people who, when something big hits, they head straight for the bottle. Good for you for keeping it together.
I don't know, DC, it may or may not be over. Now she gets to see the consequences of her actions; losing the great rapport you two had been building. She enjoyed the cozy chats, now she gets none.
Really, you are doing so well. I have known people who, when something big hits, they head straight for the bottle. Good for you for keeping it together.
She will realize one day how good she had it.
vc
I 2nd everything vc wrote. I don't think things are over just yet. Just go a little dim and keep up the great work. You are doing great!!!
More changes!!! This has been a real rollercoaster!!!!
Last night I'm in bed, 11.00pm, phone call its my wife!!
I panicked, thought something was wrong and answered it.
She asked me what has been said between her parents and I, as they have spoken and had an argument, and that her father has had a go at her over her attitude to our daughter, and he mentioned that she was in a hotel with OM, she knew that had come from me.
I said that they had called me to discuss how the kids where and I had mentioned it to them, I said I was sorry but I was hurt and angry and should have said nothing.
She was then asking what I knew about OM, I said nothing, she was pushing saying that she knew I knew something, and if it was bad, she wanted to know.
I just said that he must be good to her, I don't know him personally, and she should make her own judgement. I said I don't want to be getting involved in her business.
She was pushing for answers, I do know he's a cheater, and cheated on his wife, I also know he's not totally commited to my wife, I know a lot of people, and I find out alot!!! but I'm saying nothing!!!!
She then asked that if I know anything, or find out anything would I let her know, I said no. When she asked why, I said that she had to make her own mind up, I don't want to get involved, I don't want to speak to her, and that we cannot be friends whilst this is going on.
She was asking why can't we be friends, I said that we have gotten on so well recently, that we had really bonded again, and then she stops being friendly, when he's around, she denied it!!
I said how can we go from talking everynight, for over an hour, to nothing in a few days, she said that she was just being nice and that she was just showing concern over my AA meetings, I said you were that concerned you rang me every night, we spoke for over a hour, I never called her, she always called me!!!, again no answer.
I just said I'm hurting again, I knew I would!!!!, that I had to avoid all contact.
Again she was questioning why??
So then its back to what I know, etc, I just said, he might be a great guy, and she should enjoy herself, I said it's obviously been going on a while?, she said yes, Xmas!!!! I had my ideas, but that hurt, but I was also in a strange way relieved as I knew it was going on, but had no proof, but if he is coming and going, there is no real pattern to confirm anything, but a lot of things made sense.
She then said that if I knew anything about him that was detrimental, she trusts me to tell her and she will dump him ASAP!!!
I said why if you are happy, she then kept saying about him messing about behind her back??, not sure if she has an idea, but she kept mentioning it??
I again just asked not to get me involved, my only concern was the kids, she had to make her own mind up.
She was then saying that she wasn't going to be messed about by him, and she will dump him ASAP if there is anything??
I said I don't want to be involved, but said there is no real future with them, if he was introduced to our kids, they would flip!!!!, she agreed, I said he was just having some fun when he was about, but I don't think he's looking for a ready made family, she didn't say anything, she knows i'm right.
She then asked what do I think she should do???
I said that's for her to decide, but she knows that I love her, I want the best for her, I want her to be happy, and if this guy is doing that fine, but I don't think she is??
I said that I miss my wife, that lessons have been learnt, and my only advice is she should dump him, we go to marriage councelling, I said this was based on nothing other what I think is best for her, me and our children, she said nothing, at that I said I'm going take care and bye.
WTF!!!!
It is obvious that reality has set in, it's out in the open, she cannot use and lie to people for child care, so she can have "fun" and the excitement of creeping around with OM
She seems to be having doubts about him, she was very open about dumping him??, seems strange if he's so good, or was it just talk??
But she now is alone, she cannot play me, or her parents!!
I now maintain silence, I stay pulled back, and what happens happens.
Had a call off my wife saying that I would only see the kids Mon,Wed,Fri, as we have agreed, I said fine, but what's changed, she said that I had caused a lot of upset with her parents?? End of call
About 1hour later her mother rings me to say that the have had an argument last night, and that her father was not happy with a man being around our kids!! He was that upset he went to the house at 7.30am this morning to check he wasnt there!!!!
They had been talking all morning again, and they have told my wife that she is being irresponsible to our children, that the OM just comes and goes, he has no ties to her, he is causing disruption to her and our kids, and her father said he's just using you for a bed when he's in town!!!! He said he thought she had more sense but obviously not!!!!
It then all calmed down and they are on speaking terms!!! But her parents have told her they don't want any man near our kids, full stop!! If I'd have said that it would sound like I was being bitter, but from them she will listen.
Just after the call, my wife calls, she says that she wants to be friends again, and wants it to be like it was over the last few weeks, I told her I felt the same but was hurting. She apologised if what she said about our daughter was mis-understood, but wanted to move on??
I then asked about OM, she sounded confused??, I said that there was no real future there, only hurt for our kids if they found out, she understood, but said they would not meet him??
I said I don't think he really wants to met them either!!
She said again that if I hear anything about him,to tell her and he's gone!, I said just trust yourself and don't listen to other people, anyone can be made to sound bad from the wrong person?
She agreed, I then said we need to try and look at us, she never said anything, I said look what we have been through, and look at what we have both learnt, and changes made, again no comment from her, so I continued!!!!, I said I have always loved her, I messed up, but that was gone and I'll never go back to the drunk moody person again, I said that our children wanted us back, I explained I don't want to bring the kids into it, but they were involved, and they just want us all back together, again no comment. So I just said I'll leave it with you,bye
Now I step back, the seed has been sown by both me and her parents, she is starting to doubt the whole situation I think?
I honestly don't know where I am right now.
I have to pull back and wait for her.
I have to say i'm more settled now, she wants to get on, and apparrantly told her parents the same? She told them she just wanted to be friends again.
The whole seedy affair is out in the open, people close to her have disapproved and she is in doubt.
