I'm sorry that the craziness continues. After all the progress the two of you have made, I know it's extremely frustrating when OM comes back into the picture. I do have a few suggestions for you.
Number 1: STOP discussing OM with her, and stop snooping around trying to find out when they are together. Instead, you simply need to tell her that as long as OM is in her life, you do not care to have any sort of relationship other than a co-parenting one (if that is truly how you feel). It is absolutely fine for you to enforce that boundary. She needs to learn that she can't have the best of both worlds...turning to you for friendship, comfort, companionship, etc when he's gone and then running back to him when he's in town. When you snoop around trying to find information about them, you most likely are just going to cause yourself more pain. Put OM and OM with your wife out of your mind and focus on continuing to be a great dad and a great man.
Number 2: STOP bringing her parents into this. MWD suggests that you do not reach out to family members, mutual friends, etc. to tell them what the WAS is doing and try to get them on "your side." You know that you are doing the right thing by putting the children first (and that she isn't); your wife also knows this (on some level, even if she's trying to ignore the fact), and her parents also know it. You don't need to point it out to or validate with anyone else, least of all her parents, that what she is doing is wrong. When you need to vent about your situation, get on here or call a close friend who is trustworthy and will listen to you. Also, I would tell her that when the two of you have an agreed upon schedule and something comes up with work, traffic, etc. that keeps you from getting to the kids on time, the rule needs to be: 1) call the other parent to see if they can pick up/take care of the children. If that parent isn't available, 2) call her parents (or another adult you have agreed upon to help out when one of you cannot be there).
Number 3: DON'T let what is going on with your marriage cause you to backslide in the amazing progress you've made in your life. You've come so very far with giving up alcohol. Your kids are seeing what a great man you are. Stay strong!!!
Right now, YOU are the stronger person and parent. Stay the course and stay focused on your goals, both in your marriage and your personal goals. You've come too far to backslide into your old ways.
You have my support and that of others on the boards. Keep us updated, and STAY STRONG!
