Hi, I just came across your posts; I want to comment on a few things that caught my attention and hopefully can help you a bit. I have been where you are. We are now together with my H.
First of all, I am sorry. I feel your pain and I am especially sorry for your kids. I cant even imagine how they feel, your D in particular who can grasp the meaning of an A better than your son but at the same time, is still too young to process it. Your behavior will be closely monitored and you can help her deal with it. If she cant go to a C now, you talk to someone to get some advice on how to handle this.
I can understand the shock you are in, after the exposure of the A. What I read in one of your posts that you never expected this from him or no one close to you believed his was the type of a man to have A, put a sad smile on my face. You were describing my feelings and H’s “type”.
As I have come to believe, we are all vulnerable to mistakes of this type, and it’s all a matter of circumstances, opportunities and timing. Of course some of us are smarter/alert/stronger than others and at a possible crucial time don’t fall easily to the trap of the “easy living”, “hot sex” and brain chemicals that boost our ego and cover our deficiencies as partners and humans. But some, only see the true colors of this type of escapes after they have felt the consequences. Others never admit their choices were stupid.
You said an A was for you a deal breaker. I respect such an opinion. On the other hand, I am sorry to say that I believe that 99% of the stories here involve another person. And I don’t say that because I want to feel I belong to a large group, I tried my best to deny that, I say it because I believe it is true, sadly. Read thread after thread and you will see it for yourself... And people do reconcile after an A. They can.
When we come here and read others’ threads we feel sorry for those dealing with As, we don’t “know how they are doing it” we want to urge them to cut their losses, etc etc… Then 99% of us, are hit by the reality of our Ss’ affair whether emotional or physical or both, and realize we are no exception. Then we need the time to admit we are one of “those” couples. I admit I was naive, held my H very high, and was blind to the signs and truth. I only found out of the affair after I was strong enough to look for it and listen to my little voice and after one year of back and forths due to H’s inability to disengage from her.
Irrelevant to the real problems, if posters care to “save” their M they will have to deal with the issue of an A. You can choose not to. But remember, your statement, mental and here, about the A being a deal breaker, was made when you thought your H wasn’t capable of one. Do not feel obliged to follow through if you have feelings for your husband. As my own H said to me : “don’t correct my mistake with another bigger one”. Take your time. Time is really on your side.
I wanted to know details too. I am one of “those” too. And now is the time you can ask questions. As time goes by and if you decide to reconcile, your H’s natural response will be to try to “forget” all that. Ask now and listen. Don’t attack. You will get more answers. No pride, no rules, nothings applies-expect keeping it civilized. Ask anything you feel you need to learn. Avoid anything that you can live without. That is the golden rule. Do that outside your home. You don’t want the kids to overhear anything else. Their radars are sensitive and will be watching…
Your H’s remorse, actions and reactions these last few days, are quite remarkable. Honestly, after 3 years here, I haven’t seen many WAS reacting like this in similar occasions. I know it doesn’t make much difference for you now but believe me, if he didn’t react the way he is, it would have been sooooo much harder (cant imagine that, but trust me, it can get harder) for you. The way he handles OW leaves me no doubt he is sincere about what he feels for her. As you can imagine I am extremely sensitive about infidelity and still your H actions these last days made me feel compassion about him.
Remorse and guilt are 2 different things. I trust remorse and your H seems to really regret his actions. The crazy OW, only strengthens his opinion that he did a terrible mistake and that all is in favor of your M if you decide to work on it.
Piecing and overcoming infidelity are the hardest things I ever had to do. I am still working hard to let go of the pain. Unfortunately, some things lost are difficult to recover and some will never come back. It takes patience, strength, control of your thoughts/triggers etc etc but the result is the greatest example you can give your kids of how you fight for something so precious. And I find this kind of love, the realistic, hard gained love to be true love. True love conquers everything and if you do love your H and he loves you, you can be that.
If I can help in any way in particular, let me know. Take for granted that I have felt how you feel and I am still in the process of healing... Stay strong Kalni
