That's a powerful story... if your point in telling the story of your pain and how you still have not forgiven your father and all the wounds are still raw & oozing, haven't even formed scars yet...
is to get endeavor to allow her d to express HER feelings, I say "amen".
You clearly were not heard when you felt your rage and pain and it didn't go well for you. Or perhaps your pain was too much, added to your mothers, for her to handle...plus you had an eldest sister getting chosen over you as well. IDK....
Otherwise, i think it's a great example of why her d ought to get help to do exactly what you are now hoping to do, which is to learn to let go, b/c if her d holds onto her pain as you have then that's compounding the tragedy BUT THAT IS NOT HER H'S FAULT....not that part of this...
Unlike your father, this man did not leave his family, or take just ONE child, and he didn't take 9 months to decide to come back. Her d's feelings are hardly being suppressed. Heck a piece of me wants to tell her to stop making this about HER and making it harder on her brother and mother...
does this girl really want the responsibility for preventing a reconciliation? I think her brother might resent the hell out of her for that, when he figures things out...and so might her mom and for sure her dad will.
I worry-- just wallowing in her rage and encouraging THAT "oh just justifiable anger"---instead of working through it, ----could ruin her R's with every member of her family...
His remorse was immediate and he also began contacting a pro m MC before the OW discovery.
I don't see many similarities between your sitch and hers, other than a man wanted out.
Your dad left, took ONE kid, didn't explain anything to you, you certainly weren't heard, you were told a story about your father you didn't believe, and he took 9 months to return...
Sorry but I don't see it... I worry about projections....(no offense meant),
Val, you have made great progress here. But I think you just hit on THE underlying issue of your life...and it's not necessarily applicable to her d and frankly, I'm wondering when we are going to ask her daughter to stop having a rage a thon...
Her father is a human and he's flawed.
Realizing our parents are not infallible is a painful step in the process known as "growing up." But it's a step we all have to take.
We all experienced it, some earlier than others...some more traumatically.
I know she's hurt. Hello, I had the same issue (presented less dramatically but lasting longer) with a d that exact age. She was wounded, no question.
But never in a million years would SHE tell ME what to do in this sitch, nor would I want her to...
(and there's another child to consider. HE loves his dad)
When we discussed moving, we involved a counselor to help the kids adjust b/c THAT move was not mandatory as h was no longer in the military.
It meant a lot to the kids to have a discussion with a 3rd party, to know they were truly heard...BUT a valuable lesson they learned was when they'd expressed their fears and desires, and then
the Counselor told the kids: "your parents want and value your input, which is why you are all here.
But this family is not a democracy where you each have the same power/responsiblility as a parent. You do not have an equal vote in big decisions like this. These are adult choices to be made by adults..."
That discussion centered around a move. THIS decision of endeavors is about her marriage to her h and the father of her children. Exactly what can her h do NOW, that he isn't already doing? Get a hair shirt?
I keep hearing all over this site that marriages can survive A's....and we ought to open our hearts and minds to forgiveness especially when we see remorse and change on our partner's part...
Why doesn't that apply to THIS man?
OBVIOUSLY this is Up to endeavor of course, (She can do what she wants & I'll support HER choice)
but I fear we're losing sight of what HE is doing to help things...
and it's pretty much everything possible...
This OW is nuttier than most and that's unfortunate. OTOH he wasn't in love with her
and he wanted out of the A before he got caught...(another distinction between Val's dad and Endeavor's h)
Yes, Sadly, the kids heard OW's craziness and evil and they've been more exposed than most.
But Why does that make this a complete dealbreaker??
(and What does THAT teach them?)
Why does her h gets more punishment than other adulterers? Val, you were willing to forgive your w's infidelities or other things, and your m was shorter and there are no children.
Is this man to be punished more B/c the kids know?
See, I don't get that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
