My gal attempt was spoiled last night...or..maybe i allowed it to be. Once again i lost control of my emotions.
My neighbor and i made plans to go see a movie, except she needed to take our car. Once h got home from work, he kissed and hugged me goodbye and out the door we went. We got into the car and as it started a cd began playing. I took it out to put in another and realized it was a copy of one of the cds he made for ow's going away gift.
Tightness came over my chest and my heart pounded. You know, i had already known anout the cd before and asked him not to keep it in OUR car out of respect. He said he would. I didnt want to go to town after that but i forced myself. But thats not all....
As we are nearing into town my friend says something is poking her outer leg by the seat. She pulls over to a parking lot ...and we look for the source of what is poking her. Its a spiral notebook end, caught on her skirt, stuck between the console and seat. As i carefully lift it out...papers fall out...and wouldnt you know...i looked at what it was. One had some poem he had written for ow....describing how he misses talking to her....etc.
There was another page that had a list of things he needed to pack when he moves out...but that list was old...made two days before he dropped the bomb. I saw other pages but i stopped myself there, gathered it up put it in the notebook and out of my sight. This didnt help. I got extremely upset and felt sick. I just wanted to go home. I couldnt pull myself together, and all the way home my friend is going off saying i need to kick him out etc.
All i could think was...how is h going to focus on our marriage if he is still holding on to ow. I felt betrayed all over again...because he told me he would.
Before reaching home, i had calmed down and decided i was not going to say anything. But then he really angered me. He said...with much dissapointment and nastiness..."you're back already? I barely got and hour here". I crumbled and i went off and explained why i was back. Then he got angry and said to stop spying and let him work out his feelings. I told him to keep the cds and his stuff about ow out of our car. He then got quiet and said...he was trying to work out his feelings, and said that since he is not writing her or calling her ...He needed to listen to those songs and write. For a moment i felt like the mother of a teenager. I felt my anger lessen. Then he started in about how ow probably saw him as pathetic anyway...and how embarassed he felt to have to write and tell her he was sorry for dragging her into his problems. I told him that i felt like i wqsnt getting a fair chance here if he was going to focus on her. And he said ...it wasnt just about her...
I dont understand.....and please someone clue me in...
Why is he mourning this girl when she has never reciprocated his feelings...lives in another country...has her own life there now. Why is he so willing to throw everything over for this fantasy?
How will i have a fair chance with my h if he focuses on her?
