OW called our house

[Valeska19]

E,
First off I want to say that you are showing some amazing strength woman. You're like a rope. A rope is comprised of many many strands. The more strands you add, the stronger the rope becomes. You are being tested but each time you rise above it.. you add another strand.

I want to talk about your daughter, but I feel I need to share some of my story in order to explain so forgive the rant. This is truly not a sad story about Val and her personal bullsh!t.

I was 9 years old. One day.. my dad and eldest sister decided on the same day to "quit" our family. They packed up and left leaving me with my mom and my older sister.

I remember it very clearly (as my present sitch of my w "quitting our family", has brought up alot of emotions). I cried. My mom did her best to show my father in a positive light. Reminding me that he just needed space, that he loved me and wasn't quitting me, just needed to figure things out. I know she meant well but I felt betrayed. I felt abandoned. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep in the bottom of my closet. I never was close with either my dad or my eldest sister. My dad beat my mom so them being separated was probably a good thing..but i still felt rejected.

A few months later I started acting out at school. If I was picked on in any way.. I beat the crap out of that person. My mom got me into counseling. I started taking anger management classes to try to deal with this anger. My mom still continued to say those same things about him loving me. They were like pouring gasoline on a fire.

My dad came to visit. He still paid all of the bills, and made an effort to stay connected. Each time he left, I went back to my closet to cry. Each visit was a reminder that his needs and wants were more important than mine.

9 months later, my dad came back. He wanted to be part of our family again. I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted my mom to divorce him. NOW he decided we were worth it?? NOW after all the pain??

Fvck that! fvck him! I hated him. After 9 months, I had no desire to have any kind of relationship with him. I was disgusted with attempts to move forward. His attempts to gain my love or my forgiveness. It all felt fake to me.

My mom kept me in counseling. But now instead of dealing with my anger, my counselor and mom were trying to get me to forgive my dad. That he was back and trying and I now had a second chance.. yada yada yada.. Man I wanted to puke. Why did I have to put in the work? It wasn't me that left him. Why should he get a 2nd chance? To beat my mom? to leave again? Why should I be anything but angry? At least I was safe in my anger.

So I decided that day to stay angry. I decided that day to never forgive him.

BTW- I'm 29 years old (soon) and I still have not forgiven my father. I'm really looking at myself now in the hopes that I can but GD do I have alot of wounds. They aren't even scars because I never let them fully heal.

I don't tell you this so you can get angry at OW. I also don't tell you this for to get angry at your H (although he will have to deal with the consequences of his actions). You read my sitch, so hopefully you know that I try to take a loving approach in everything I say.

I tell you this to maybe give you some insight to how your D16 MIGHT be feeling. She's sounds angry and says alot of things that I did. Off of the last few posts, she reminds me of me.

Your H decided to do something awful to you and your family and NOW he decides to show remorse. We as adults struggle to forgive.. how do we expect a child to??

I think it's good that your honest with her.. however I also believe that your DB tactics could be useful.

D16 is continuing to avoid H and has expressed that if it was her, she would chose to NOT stay in the marriage. I told her that these situations are complicated and that I'd been doing a lot of intensive reading on the subject so I'm simply not going to make any rash decisions.

.

How about just allowing her to express ALL of her feelings and validating & Listening? She has a valid point and I could very easily see her getting defensive or maybe even angrier because you are saying something other than what she is feeling.

Treat it like a R in the way that you are not pushing your thoughts on her, No pursuing of D for you or your H. Be there when she needs you but give her space to figure sh!t out in her head.

I'm not trying to tell you how to be a parent. I have no idea.. so please PLEASE don't take it this way.

I'm just saying the what you said, my mom said to me.. and it added fuel to my fire. I don't wish that my mom said my dad was an A$$hole for leaving the family... I just felt like she was always excusing him. Excusing him meant that he was right and my feelings were wrong. I realize now that wasn't what she was doing completely, but at the time I was a kid and that was my perspective.

Your daughter loves you and her brother very much. That's where a huge part of her anger is coming from. If she isn't expressing her own feelings, it may mean she is trying to create a wall to protect herself. Once that wall is built, it is extremely hard to break.

Keep working on yourself and on forgiving your H. Continue to be there for your children and you'll get through it.

Can I also just reiterate again that I am not giving parenting advice???? Just a little perspective from a person who walked in your daughter's shoes. If I have overstepped, I apologize.