OW called our house

[Endeavour]

Well, at least we get to use our favourite smiley a lot when referring to ow.

Ain't that the truth! You made me laugh.

E - I did want to check and see how you're holding up. You're still in my thoughts and prayers.

Give yourself time to forgive your H. I think you still need time to process the emotions today. Forgiveness is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. It allows you set down some baggage and you will be able to live more freely.

Thanks, jb. I'm trying to hold onto my sense of humour.

And I'm working towards forgiveness so I can stay in my M, but honestly, I'm still not sure I can do it. A lot will depend on H and if his actions are consistent with his words.

Time will tell.

Update above.

[jbnati]

E - I am glad you hanging on to your sense of humor, although I am sure is only by a thread.

I am thinking the forgivess could be a long, long, hard process. And I believe it may be awhile before you'll be able to start that process. You have some emotions to feel first.

I am sure you don't know WHAT to believe right now, especially anything that comes comes from the OW . She is definitely on a mission. I'm sure you have your eye on her. She's a very irrational woman. Not telling you anything you don't already know, but your H has a long, hard road to earn your trust.

You're still here. That says a TON about you. You are standing tall for your kids. And we're standing here behind you.

((()))

[aeolianchaos]

Woah, En Devour

Hope your hand is feeling better.

Why do you feel like you need the details of his time w/ OW ?

Anger pops up quickly - you probably are fine w/o meds since a situation like this -- you are appropriately angry.

In terms of how you expressed it -- yeah hitting isn't so good, but you aren't going to make a habit of it, right?

Hope you get some rest!

[Endeavour]

Why do you feel like you need the details of his time w/ OW ?

I read that some spouses need to know details in order to process - that it depends on the person and how they deal with trauma. I need to know otherwise, my imagination will paint an even more disgusting picture. I think I also trust my intuition more now because looking back, I ignored some red flags (that are "oh so" clear now.) So I need to know if he is now finally telling the whole truth.

In terms of how you expressed it -- yeah hitting isn't so good, but you aren't going to make a habit of it, right?

No, it's not going to happen again. He said if it will help... I said it doesn't help. (Besides, I think we're getting into sadistic territory because he is obviously feeling incredible shame if he is practically giving me permission).

Anyway, another rough day.

I drove D16 to school today (H usually does it but she said she wants me to do it from now on). We chatted casually for awhile then she told me she would not be upset if I asked H to move out, and that she actually couldn't care less right now. I said I understand and asked if she wanted to speak to H yet. She said no that she hopes I will not make her speak to him or even look at him. I didn't want to talk about it too much detail because I didn't want her getting upset before class, but I did assure her that I would not make her talk to H until she was ready.

When I got home, H and I talked about finding her a counselor so I will do that today.

He also volunteered to move into the basement because he knows that his presence is making D16 very uncomfortable, and that she shouldn't be paying for his bad choices. He started crying and said he didn't want to but he would move out for her if it was what she truly needed...

It's hard when the kids are so far apart in age. D16 would feel some relief if he moved out for awhile, yet S7 would be devastated.

On a positive note, H is still being very transparent - sharing all emails, calls and texts with me. Ex-ow has been quiet today but I'm sure she's just working on her next revenge plot. Google Analytics indicated someone from her area was on my personal website (for my job) and I never get hits from that area so H and I are pretty sure she's watching me. Great.

[Redo]

Endeavor:

My mind's foggy a bit. Not sure if i replied on your sitch.

First off, sorry you are going through this much drama you really do not need. Especially that your kids are going through this.

Seems like the NUTs book did make some impact on your H.

I am not sure where you stand on your R with your H. But if you choose to stay, your H has to make a choice of being a strong man the family deserves. I guess right now he has to patch up with the Kids and your R with him.

All his actions seem to be reactions to fear. Fear that you don't love him. He just needs to take ownership of what has happened and restart his life new. Irrespective of what the consequences are gonna be. He still is going to be playing a role model for the kids and they really don't deserve this.

Be strong through this. Your kids need you and your lost H definitely needs you.

[jbnati]

E,
Sending more big hugs your way: ((((())))). I think you can use all you can get right now.

It sounds to me like you are being as strong as you possibly can through this for your kids. Give yourself a pat on the back. I know it has to be harder than I can ever imagine.

I am glad to hear both you and your H are open to MC. I hope you find a really good one.

Google Analytics indicated someone from her area was on my personal website (for my job) and I never get hits from that area so H and I are pretty sure she's watching me. Great.

Lovely.

[Endeavour]

myk, you have popped by my sitch. No worries on not remembering as there are far too many. Anyway, it was YOU that suggested the NUTS book, and I bought it right after you mentioned it to me so thank-you. My H said it changed his outlook on relationships and marriage.

I am glad to hear both you and your H are open to MC. I hope you find a really good one.

I think we may have...I mentioned in a previous post that I found a pro-marriage in our area...well, coincidently H contacted her back in mid-August and has been receiving her weekly newsletters (as have I).

Google Analytics indicated someone from her area was on my personal website (for my job) and I never get hits from that area so H and I are pretty sure she's watching me. Great.

Lovely.

Yeah, I admit I'm worried. I'm afraid she's going to out their A all over the place and damage our family even more. Time will tell just how crazy she is I suppose...

Anyway, I'm calmer today. H has been available to talk anytime I need to but I'm finding it less necessary as the days pass.

D16 is continuing to avoid H and has expressed that if it was her, she would chose to NOT stay in the marriage. I told her that these situations are complicated and that I'd been doing a lot of intensive reading on the subject so I'm simply not going to make any rash decisions. I absolutely hate that ow has involved my children but there's no changing that fact at this point, so now we're left to deal with the ramifications.

D16 has also mentioned that if it was up to her, she would want H to move out right now. However, she does not want her little brother to suffer so she does not want me to make that decision based on her feelings. I appreciate that she's being as mature about this as possible, given such a complicated conundrum.

So that's where things stand as of today. H continues to assure me of his remorse and has said he will do whatever it takes to earn the respect and forgiveness of me and the kids again. Time will tell, I suppose.

And we have both agreed to Retrovaille so that is hopeful. H said he's going to register us this week. (We shall see if he follows through).

All that said, the feelings of disgust I am having towards the thought of H touching me are deeply disturbing me though. I assuming they will pass in time...

[aeolianchaos]

I read that some spouses need to know details in order to process - that it depends on the person and how they deal with trauma

I understand the impulse - I did the same thing after finding out about the A. But I wonder if perhaps it isn't the best move in the long run? It puts us (the resolute spouse) in the position of relying upon the unfaithful spouse to basically soothe our anxieties. It kind of increases emotional fusion pressure. Not sure what to do though - because the anxiety level (for me at least) can get to be a bit much.

I guess this is where self-soothing could come in handy.

All that said, the feelings of disgust I am having towards the thought of H touching me are deeply disturbing me though. I assuming they will pass in time...

I think your feelings of disgust make a lot of sense under the circumstances. But, like most feelings, they will evolve and change as your perspective and thinking changes.

It's good that you are seeing a MC - do you know what modality they operate in?

[Endeavour]

I understand the impulse - I did the same thing after finding out about the A. But I wonder if perhaps it isn't the best move in the long run? It puts us (the resolute spouse) in the position of relying upon the unfaithful spouse to basically soothe our anxieties. It kind of increases emotional fusion pressure. Not sure what to do though - because the anxiety level (for me at least) can get to be a bit much.

I guess this is where self-soothing could come in handy.

Oh, I wasn't asking for details to sooth my anxiety - quite the opposite, as I want to know exactly why and when it started, when he saw her, what they did together, the lies, the deception. All of the ugly details. More like anxiety inducing instead of soothing BUT I simply don't want any surprises (I'd rather hear it all from H) should emotionally unstable ex-ow try to contact me again. We're pretty certain she has perused my website recently so I'm sure she knows how to get in touch should the urge strike her again.

It's good that you are seeing a MC - do you know what modality they operate in?

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Btw, I'm still trying to find the time to read your sitch, aeoli. As you can certainly and unfortunately understand, I've been a bit preoccupied, but it's the next one on my list. Also, I sent myself the link to that audio download you suggested earlier today and will download it tomorrow if I can find the time. Work has been slow but of course I got the call today so that will be a good distraction...

[25yearsmlc]

endeavor

I admire your strength. But don't get masochistic here. Be SURE you want the "gory" details before you dig and dig

and have not done much forgiveness work (it's time consuming). I almost wonder if you are sabotaging things by asking for so much detail.

Also, re your daughter, sorry but it's NOT UP TO HER if you work on your m.

That's a marital choice, not a child's.

You have to give her a reason to hope for better from h and from your m and from you

and to show that regardless of

whether you two stay together down the road,

you can't let some psycho Fatal Attraction nut break your family up now.


Just my .02. I think by giving your d too much power, you also burden her with too much responsibility.

She's trying to protect you and her by saying goodbye to h. That won't end the pain and it brings up more of it

and from where you are at this moment, kicking him to the curb would lead you to 2nd guess yourself and have tremendous self doubt down the road.

You will always wonder what might have been...if you but forgave...

Plus you have a son too.

As for the meds, I'm PRO taking them when the alternative is losing it, or hitting or not being able to sleep or asking for gory details.

Like I said, that's just my .02