YAH mentioned Schnarch. You might want to look into that a little bit more - he brings a unique approach to these kinds of things that may be really powerful for you and your situation.
I think it's good that you and your W don't yell at each other. I wonder what the motivation is for that? Is it fear? Respect? Feelings of warmth?
I wonder if your best move in this case is to work towards really clearly defining yourself.
I also wonder what your wife gets out of this deal?
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.