Are there any midlife women who want daily sex?

[ssmguy]

The only suggestion I have for you is to read The Five Love Languages...

I'll get the Kindle sample and take a look. Thanks!

Otherwise, what do you want to do? Anything?

Not sure, keep trying. The one thing I'm ruling out is a secret emotional-and-sexual affair. That almost happened several times, but I could see the potential conflict before it happened and it scared me. It puzzles me how other men don't see that before they get into a conflict where they realize they have to give up something they didn't expect to give up! Seems like some men lack emotional intelligence, if not plain common sense.

I don't believe you have "tried everything." I think sex with you wasn't good enough for her to want to try,

That's certainly possible. Perhaps I could have done more, or she didn't know enough to make it better for herself. We were both inexperienced, and frankly, still are! I think I could have done a better job of encouraging more participation on her side early on when she was the most open to new ideas. Not sure how far I could have gotten on that because I do remember suggesting a number of erotic things early on, some of which she was enthusiastic about.... BUT, as it turns out, only to do once, as if it was a novelty.

As an example, I tried touching and kissing her breasts when we first met, as part of being playful when we were about to ML. Well, she put a stop to that right off the bat. She didn't want to be touched there or a number of other places, ever. I was kind of shocked at the time, but figured she would probably mellow over time and be more open. Well, that never happened.

so for her not to miss THAT AT ALL, says some sad things. Don't you cuddle?

Food for thought... Yes, it does say sad things. No we don't really cuddle anymore. I try to once in a while, but she doesn't really return the hug with much enthusiasm. It's sort of clinical, apparently to avoid any indication that she's interesting in a thaw, which might start me thinking that things are warming up, which would lead to sex down the road. She's careful to avoid even going down that road, even though she now feels safe that I won't ask for sex, because I don't and haven't in several years.

When you did ML, how long did you guys go?

Well, chuckle, I never timed it exactly. But it was NEVER shorter than she wanted it. It was almost always longer than she wanted, as she would ask me to finish up. I would say 15-30 minutes most times, though early on we had a few marathon sessions lasting hours -- but again, I think she did that for the coolness of the novelty of it. A few times, she would let me have sex twice within a few hours. But she never let me have sex three times in a row, even though I asked. In her opinion, that was just "ridiculous". She was never much interested in having sex last a long time except for the first few times we ML. Though I do remember her saying that it felt good to have intercourse in the early days, even though she never had an O. And she lubricated very well in the early days.

Were too fast? ARe her memories of the one sided type event so that she doesn't even miss the cuddling b/c there wasn't all that much of it?

I'm a cuddling playful humorous type of person, so I don't think she ever missed that. I'd always spend hours cuddling and rolling on the floor with the kids when they were young. Never got tired of it. They always energized me. Never understood parents who were "tired" of their kids.

On one hand I'm tempted to say your lack of experience probably made it a drag for her so she gave up on caring about her libido...

I would agree with that but say that she made it a drag for herself by not ever letting me try anything. I think I suggested just about everything in the book in terms of stimulation techniques, but she adamantly refused most of them. And I think she was very self-conscious about the fact that she was never having an O, and I seemed to be able to have them all the time, as often as I wanted, when I wanted, right on cue. The contrast couldn't have been greater in that sense. Maybe that made her feel inadequate, I don't know -- she never said anything about that. She had me believing, and perhaps she believed as well, that women in general don't have a lot of O's the way men do.

OR maybe you were GREAT - the world's best lover but she never had a libido...

Well, I think I could be, if given the chance. I love talk, massage, cuddling, foreplay, and never had any of the supposedly common problems men have with their sexual functioning. I think she felt I was always pushing for more and that I was just too obsessed with all this sex stuff.

BTW, don't feel harshly judged here.

After what I've been through, I have a pretty thick skin when it comes to sexual matters. ;-)

I understand why you would not be "THE BEST" b/c neither of you were experienced and she wasn't a communicator...so it was tougher for you to learn what she needed. She might not even know. And you are not a mind reader. But you have to understand what most men today know, which is that if both people haven't gotten their cookies, there's some "loving work" left to do...

Makes good sense.

So, somehow you have to show her that SEX W/YOU, CAN BE GOOD FOR HER...

Yes! I keep trying. I've even listed for her the medical benefits of sex, such as increased immunity, etc. But it's tough, for example, to explain that sex would be pleasurable for her because that immediately touches on the issue that she can't have orgasms. I even bought her a book, years ago, on women become orgasmic, and I think she threw it in the trash. Never saw the book after that, or heard her say anything about it. So if I say nothing, the issue is not faced. But if I say something, then I'm putting pressure on a woman to have an O, and THAT, of course, is a huge turnoff. Lose-lose situation.

...in some ways she is less likely to do a weekend retreat...(though you never know til you ask)

We do go on vacations together, and enjoy romantic dinners, and even dancing. But we both know the routine in the bedroom after that, which is nothing. Like brother and sister who are best friends.

You know, everybody thinks I'm in a terrible marriage, just because their isn't sex. Well, maybe the problem is that I'm just so used to it! It's no different, really, from when I was in high school, and had the same sky-high erotic imagination and libido I do now. I lived with my family and enjoyed every moment of it, even though I never had a sexual partner in high school. I knew how to do it then, and it's the same thing now. Same coping methods. It's not cancer, you know.

But when You say ALL the other parts of the m are great, I find it hard to believe b/c sex is such an important, personal INTIMATE part...how can you be fully intimate with someone and deny them physically?

So how did I enjoy living with my family in high school, even though sex was important to me then too?!!