Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

[ericmsant2]

Antonia

The one thing I would say is that based on what I have read and seen on these boards that any reconciliation starts slows and starts as just friends. That said, I do not think it make any sense for you to try and read into anything that he sends you via email. Take a step back and realize that maybe he is just being friendly with you. After all, how many years did you guys spend together….. Maybe he is just speaking to you as the person that he spent a large part of his life with. Maybe he just feels comfortable being able to email you. I suspect that he does not bring up OW because he does not want to hurt you. Maybe he just feels comfortable talking or emailing you.

IF (and that is a big IF) you feel comfortable in the role of “friends” (however you want to define it) and HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS, the I would say…YOU decide if you feel like responding.

I am a little concerned that he suddenly DOES start talking about her...I mean, I'm in a place where I can talk to him, but I'm not in THAT good of a place, if you know what I mean.

I get what you mean Antonia. That said, part of true acceptance IMO, is being able to accept and understand that he where he is in his life and YOU are where YOU are in your life.

Also, consider this….any future R with your XH would need to be a NEW R and IMO, healthy R’s start as just friends.

A few other points….

1) What he does or does not DO should NOT (let me repeat NOT) determine what you do or do not do in your life.
2) Another point – “BOUNDARIES”……YOU Antonia must define what YOUR boundaries are. Do you want him to email you while OW is in the picture? Do you feel like the OW now? If so, is that how you want to feel?
3) Can you look at him as EXACTLY what he is – YOUR XH? Nothing more nothing less.
4) I just posted this on another thread but will repeat it to YOU……Aretha Franklin baby! RESPECT……. What does it mean to YOU?

In the end Antonia, this R with your XH is defined by YOU as is any other R.

A few questions……as usual the answers are for YOU.

1) Are you still trying to get your H back?
2) If so, at what cost?
3) Are you okay with YOU right now?
4) Do you really like who you have become and does what he brings to the table (whatever that may be)…line up with who YOU are – RIGHT NOW?
5) Do you think that you are settling with what is comfortable or known?
6) Do you love him enough…..no….do you LOVE YOURSELF enough – RIGHT NOW….to do what YOU need to do for YOU.
7) Can you honestly say to yourself…F him?

I am not telling you what to do. You must do what you think it is best for you.

Piecing is hard and IMO, cannot be done with someone else in the picture.

Finally, do YOU ANTONIA, professor, cat lover, cook, super women who is always fixing chit around the house, do YOU Antonia…..want to be WANTED or NEEDED?

I do not envy your position right now…that said, I have the utmost confidence that you will end up doing what is best for you. As for me, as your friend, I will support whatever it is that you decide to do.

God Bless,
Eric