i think a part of me was scared to totally let him go because of the "what if" factor. you know what i mean...
"what if he wakes up!" "what if i just wait" "what if I am with someone else and he wants me back" "what if, what if, what it"
Well, he has started to wake up, and it isn't enough.
I am done waiting.
him wanting me back isn't good enough anymore. used to be, not any more.
but the one and only thing that remains consistant is the OW. He might me waking up, appologizing, saying he loves me...but this is all done while he lives and loves another woman. when I look at him. His eyes are clear, he is fully aware of his MLC (even commented on it yesterday), and still chooses to live and love ow.
everyone here keeps telling me to make a decision, and I have. I have my future plans made and they don't include him. And I like that. I like my plans for the future, and funny but even if we were to R, he would not like my plans. we would have to go with his plans, not mine. not even a blend of the 2 plans. it would his way or nothing.
i choose nothing.
my bears won today and my man Brian Urlacher was amazing! my D13 is a total teenage brat today - yikes. D11 is in love with a new boy at school whose dad was a Green Bay Packer. interesting. The only man in my life that loves me unconditionally (Tug, my dog)has been following me around all day giving me kisses - he knows I am gloomy because of the men in my life and he is diligently trying to make up for his gender!lol!!
oh and this is the best - I laughed so hard!! I was on my profile page on FB and on the side they always recommend people that you might know to be friends with...it was the OW!!! I am so dead serious!! ROFLMAO!! REALLY?!
It is also 9/11/11. ten years and I remember like it was yesterday. I think about all of the lives lost between then and now. The families torn apart. My heart and prayers go out to everyone who had friends, family from 9/11 and our military men/women since then.
Makes my gloominess rediculous
girls are back home and they are laughing and joking around and making me smile. got to go!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Just food for thought - you are making decisions based on him still. You are assuming it is his way or nothing. He's a different person than you knew.
That is irrelevant in the scheme of things since you would have to let somebody in, even if it was H. I agree his actions and his words don't line up. From my perspective, that's not unexpected in the sense that he went in over time and coming out requires time as well. Not that it's acceptable.
As for your choices, while you should make some, you don't have to make them all at once and you do not have a time limit. You have to decide what is right for you and nothing more than that. You don't have to look at what might be nor what you think he might be like. I suspect that reconnecting with a MLCr is like meeting somebody new all over again, except you have some history (some good and some not so good).
Your choice is whether or not you let him into your life and how. Don't let the past intrude on your future and don't let somebody (anybody) take what you are. A good relationship would include somebody who fits into your plans and enhances your life - not somebody who takes away from it.
Bears won? Man...
D's... they do that. It's part of the fun, right? I've learned to laugh at some of it. It is funny if you step back. I can remember a time with my D that she was throwing a fit and I laughed. Made her madder, but it was really funny. She stomped her foot and crossed her arms. I looked her in the eye and told her to do it right or don't do it. She was understandably surprised. I showed her. Stomp your foot, roll your eyes, and then cross your arms. If you can't do that, then don't bring it
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
As for your choices, while you should make some, you don't have to make them all at once and you do not have a time limit. You have to decide what is right for you and nothing more than that. You don't have to look at what might be nor what you think he might be like. I suspect that reconnecting with a MLCr is like meeting somebody new all over again, except you have some history (some good and some not so good).
Your choice is whether or not you let him into your life and how. Don't let the past intrude on your future and don't let somebody (anybody) take what you are. A good relationship would include somebody who fits into your plans and enhances your life - not somebody who takes away from it.
AJ - can't tell you how much i appreciate you taking a possitive approach with me. I respond better to positive motivation in all situations
I have been reading other threads tonight of people who have tried to piece and one thing that is said over and over is the MLCer or WAS needs to be given an ultimatum. To stay strong on boundries.
I believe I have done this. I told H that I wanted the man I am with to love only me and that I must be his plan A not plan B. I am happy without him so he would need to win me back.
He failed completely. now people are saying (on and off line) that it is a slow process. time.
Other threads have said that the WAS/MLCer needs to be committed to working on the R. My H has chosen not to.
and unlike others, that was the final blow for me. There is only so much a person can take. and that was it for me.
I have had all day to read and think.
I went through a gloomy time, even cried. but not for H. for myself. didn't last but a moment. Then I was just depressed for a few hours. I was alone. bored. thinking too much about all of lifes unpleasantries for everyone. then I snapped out of it. laughed and talked to my girls. Then got serious about reading past posts.
Once again I come back to my decision to finalize my divorce tomorrow. It is over.
So my future plans: 1. sell house 2. temp move into mom and dads house, put things in storage 3. I make good money and with child support from STBXH I will get all of my debt paid off and $ saved for my new place. I am going to rent a really nice duplex. 3 bedrooms with a family room basement. I don't want to own anything. I don't know where the girls and I will be in a year.
sometimes I want to start over, start fresh. sometimes i want to stay here. Where I live is not my hometown. my mom and dad live here for the same reason STBXH and I are here - the men are both Railroaders. Mom and Dad are retiring in 2 years to florida. STBXH has talked multiple times about his desire to move back home (different state). so who knows where the girls and I will be. might find that I don't want to leave even though everyone else does! I love my job, but I have loved every job I have ever had. I am a recovering workaholic so at this point I don't care where I work.
My STBXH and I have talked about this. He wants to be by his kids. but with his job it would be just as good for the girls to spend all summer with him and vacations. Who knows, he was open to the idea a long time ago but he might get a bug up his arse if i ever got serious about moving.
This is where being good friends is helpful. Not many people on the boards have this and I feel lucky that I do.
Oh btw! forgot to metion the other day that when I said to him that he loves 2 women for different reasons, his reply?
"sure you wouldn't be interested in our own Big Love?"
Really? This man isn't serious about anything in his life.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Gotcha TAMF. I am very appreciative of a positive approach to things myself. Born that way and I figure life is tough enough if you let it. It really is simple though, when you boil it down.
I can tell you have given a lot of though and was just trying to point out that doing something out of anger would have been difficult to look back on later and be happy about it. Doing it with a clear head is something I admire and strive to do myself so I'm glad to see you are thoughtful in your approach.
I totally get it, but wanted to ask. I suspect I would do the exact same in your sitation and know many that have.
In all things, whatever you decide and wherever that takes you, I wish you the best of luck and enough of everything
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Figure out the logistics and then chart your course towards YOUR own happiness. If H wakes the f up, then you can decided what you want to do then. Live your life TAMF!
As best as you can.....live it with NO REGRETS!
I will caution you that as the legal stuff starts to heat up and IF OW, has a signifigant say in what your H does...then be careful. Make sure that your L understand what YOU want and do not get into a back in forth in the negotiontions. Stand firm for yourself and what you believe in.
Wishing you happiness and love in your future.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks E - I know you want only happiness for me, and I appreciate it more than you know.
Remember, H doesn't have his own L. I don't anticipate any issues, but am prepared.
This morning my coffee was delivered again H came to take the girls to school. They like it when he does that so they don't have to ride the bus. He came back to the house after taking them and was working on the yard (getting it perfect for showing) I let him know that I appreciated his help. Then I said that I was going to sign the girls up for thier "cope with divorce class" today (one of the last remaining things to finalize the divorce), and he said that sounded good. He said he would pay for it - $120.
I am feeling so good today! woke up to my immaculately clean house. Dressed up today with my new cool heels (yep, I am rockin 6'3" today my friends!)got to work and my one and only co-worker is back from vacation - thank GOD! Have to raise $65,000 this week so I have to get busy! crack-down on work this week.
Hope everyone has a great day - I know I will!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Ok - this is really funny! For the very first time I went back to my original post - to read and see how far I have come. This was a quote from a year ago...
Then this morning at 6:20am he came to the house to see the girls off for thier 2nd day of school since he missed wednesday. He ate breakfast with them and took them to school. Totally unexpected. Don't get me wrong - he is the best dad in the world, but I didn't expect him to come see them off.
But yet, I know if I went on our cell phone website, I would see 25 text messages to the OW...
The ONLY thing that has changed over the past year in this situation is ME!lol!!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Does it surprise you that you have changed? It sounds like it does
I know you're struggling a bit. It's not what was expected and dealing with the changes that are occurring have, for me, been harder than dealing with the constant barrage of cr*p. But it quickly becomes more reasonable and easier to deal with as you adjust.
Perhaps the difference in behavior is causing some of the churn in you? Causing you to notice that you are different? I suspect this is the first real time you've had to see your changes with the H as backdrop.
Maybe? I suspect you like what you see in you as well. It shines through...
I don't think you are finished dealing with your feelings for H though, now are you....? Understandable. As is the dealing with who you are in relation to your H. What you once were, you are no longer, and defining what you are in ALL situations still needs to be done, right? Seems you are getting that figured out though.
Be at peace TAMF
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I don't think you are finished dealing with your feelings for H though, now are you....?
AND that ^^^^^ is always the hard question to answer!
Feelings...
Quote:
What you once were, you are no longer, and defining what you are in ALL situations still needs to be done, right?
Well said AJ...."what you are"...or really WHO YOU ARE and WHO do you really want to be FOR YOU....not for H, not for the kids, not for mom and dad, not for any other person but rather FOR yourself.
The fun that is....learning who we are, not in the context of someone esle, but rather, who we are in our core, what are values are, where our TRUE happiness lies. This is the gift in all of this.
Amen!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
H came to take the girls to school. They like it when he does that so they don't have to ride the bus. He came back to the house after taking them and was working on the yard (getting it perfect for showing) I let him know that I appreciated his help. Then I said that I was going to sign the girls up for thier "cope with divorce class" today (one of the last remaining things to finalize the divorce), and he said that sounded good. He said he would pay for it - $120.