Epilogue

[Telemark]

You guys rock.

I did read The Journey From Abandonment to Healing at the same time I was reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Both of those books made me do a lot of self-reflection; not only with this marriage, but with my life in general.

I realized that I had lost myself in both of my marriages. I always wanted to please and gain the approval of my Ws, and I became this wishy-washy half-assed version of myself. Coupled with the below-the-surface anger and resentment I had been carrying with me since I was a wee lad, it was a recipe for eventual disaster; a true Jekyll-and-Hyde person. While I am not owning 100% of my marriage failures, I can see where I made big contributions.

My self-improvements probably come too late to save my marriage, but just in time to save myself. But I'm not so sure I want to save my marriage at this point; my W and I do not trust each other, and I can't see wanting to be with someone who deliberately caused so much pain to so many people.

If my W hits rock bottom, sees that her new life is just another escape route and wants to try to reconcile, it would be a test of my changes. Could I remain the person I am becoming, or would I slip back into old patterns and have to endure this pain all over again?

That is the blessing and the curse of this, I suppose - it's been a wake-up call for me to re-evaluate my personality, my behaviors, my life...but it comes with a steep price.

It's been just over 6 months since D-Day, and 6 weeks since she moved out...a short time in both instances compared to what some of you have gone through. But each of us has our own limit of what we are willing to endure and put up with. A part of me wants to try to build a new marriage with my W; most of me says too much damage has been inflicted by both of us.

The D has not been filed. The OM has not moved in (although his mother arrived Sunday). So I will remain patient, continue to work on me, be grateful for the support I'm getting from my kids and my friends and try oh so hard to not think about my W nearly every minute.

I have to remember that God has a plan for me. I haven't the slightest clue what that plan is, but I suppose it will be revealed when He is ready to reveal it.