Regretful and not sure how to proceed

[InAPickle]

Truth is, two broken people can never fix each other.

I'll have to remember this one 35.

I've read this post a couple times and keep ending up reading my XW's behavior into it. She is emotionally intense and a little messed up. Had a PC for the last, I'd say, 6 years and never brought up or discussed "issues" with me. She volunteered that OM was miserable in his own M. Who woulda guessed!

Sorry for the threadjack.
This saying makes sense to everyone but THEM.
"Two broken people can't fix each other."

[In_Shock]

[quote=AloneAt35]In Shock,

Truth is, this other man did "understand" me - why? Because he was just as messed up as I was at that time! Truth is, he was "emotionally deep"...why?...because he was in crisis too and so all of his feelings seemed more intense! But I didn't realize those things at the time - I just thought that the man I was living with was cold and shallow in comparison. Moreover, I just wanted to escape from the drudgery and pain of my own bad feelings and unhappiness - it wouldn't have mattered if I had the world's most perfect mate. I just wanted a diversion.


That is SO powerful - I can see exactly what you mean. I do believe W thinks of me as cold, dry, emotionally detached while OW is SOOOOO DEEP..... *



Yeah, we understood each other - for all of the wrong reasons. We were 'deep' - deeply self-absorbed.

I can see that too....unfortunately. Any person who comes into a relationship as the third person == when there is a child involved...to me, not a strong character trait -- just saying....


So when your W says that you are emotionally 'behind her' or 'underdeveloped', I question whether or not she isn't just depressed/unhappy/unstable herself and seeking someone who is also in turmoil to commiserate with. YOU do not seem to be an emotionally stunted person. But when I was depressed, I was attracted to the OM because I thought, "He's been there, he UNDERSTANDS this, maybe he can fix me!"

thank you for the kind words -- I did grow up in an emotionally cold environment in many ways, but as I said I've worked VERY hard to get in touch with myself emotionally. It's never been easy, but I've come such a long way in the past decade or so. One of the problems W has had with me emotionally I guess is that I want to (like a lot of men do) fix things when she tells me about her problems. I want to help, she wants me to listen. I have really been working hard on that part. Being quiet is not my strong suit!


Truth is, two broken people can never fix each other.


I know this was a long story about my own brush with an EA many years ago, but when I heard what your W was saying, and how you were internalizing it all as though it were a fundamental truth about yourself, well I just had to speak up. Your character is not flawed...I can't say that for your W at this moment.

So to summarize, your W is saying you are emotionally underdeveloped because you are (well, you WERE) happy, content, fulfilled, and stable. She wants emotional intensity, which really means emotional instability. She wants someone who is self-absorbed, just like she is at the moment.

Again, unfortunately there is truth in what you say. Yes, I've internalized her words and truly have begun to believe I'm emotionally wayyyyy behind her and OW. Your story opened my eyes to a new perspective. For that I thank you immensely.

I'm thankful I had the character to not act on my emotions. Some people don't.

Character. There's that word again. I keep striving to build my character -- and I keep striving to improve MYSELF in every way possible. Character will always show -- regardless. I admire your honesty and also your CHARACTER. Alone....I know you've heard it before, but your H will realize his mistake. I hope it's not too late for him to mend things with you when he sees it.

[In_Shock]

Ok, so to update my weekend... Went out of state for a quick weekend trip to visit one of my favorite family members. It was very nice - I was depressed much of the time though, because I was updating them on what was going on with W and I, etc... I had a couple of crying moments, but all in all, ok.

Sunday evening (yesterday) W and I went out to eat. We do that every week, at least one day of the weekend. We've done this for years - We had a really nice time last night. She was 'there' with me, not distant. We talked = i looked in her eyes a lot, made sure she knew I was interested - really listened and I was 'there' also. We laughed, and sat at the restaurant for two hours just talking. It was so nice.

I didn't bring up R talk except for a little roundabout bit or two. Nothing heavy. I did tell her once I wish I could wake up from all this and it would be a certain week -- when we had an awesome vacation several years ago, before S4. I also told her that I do hope things work out with us someday, but that it would have to be a completely new relationship - starting from scratch.

Instead of her saying -- no, not a chance, I'm done, etc....as she usually says, ===== she said, "It would have to be. This one got us here"

I thought this was positive - instead of slamming it down, she at least left that door propped open a crack... We talked about her work, about many things and enjoyed each others' company. OW texted W once during our time out, and W did not answer Again, i thought this was a positive sign.

So I've been DBing really really seriously for the past week = no R talk, detach lovingly, ALL of the 37 rules. I haven't broken any of them at all or backslid this week!!! I am keeping a close watch on my mouth.... NO R TALK. Just enjoy our time together. Work on the friendship... work on the family time with S4 (she even committed to going to the zoo with us this Saturday!!)

All I can do is what I can do -- I want to save my family and my relationship SO badly I am willing to do all the 'heavy lifting' in this relationship at this point. This counterintuitive stuff does seem to have a positive effect. After we came home, she did spend quite the bit of time texting with OW, but.... I put myself on 'ignore' and went about my business.

Like I was saying to Alone in my last post--- I want to BE THE BETTER CHOICE. The character of an OW or OM to me is LOW.... I am keeping my head held high. I am the mom. I am the spouse. I have the history of 13 years of life, mortgages, love and loss. OW is an infatuation-- W is projecting onto OW what she wants her to be.....he**, if they've known each other a couple of months, it's all 'perfect' now. I'm gaining patience. I'm gaining humility. I'm growing and I'm learning.

[In_Shock]

Journaling....
this time of night is ALWAYS the hardest. W is sitting there on the other couch texting OW. They went out tonight -- OW, W and some other people...to dinner. She comes home and spends the night texting.

WTF could they possibly have to talk about for hours? ILYs only go so far. Geeeeeeze......

I get really down at this time of night. After S4 is in bed, W pretty much is 'with' OW...until bedtime. Why waste my time even thinking about it? Cause it's in my F*in face!!!! I guess I could leave the room, but it's my home too, and I struggle through this....NOT SAYING ANYTHING>>>>>> every damn night.

What to do? Just when we had a great evening...now this S***. Oh, the rollercoaster ride. I'm gonna hurl!

[AloneAt35]

Mary,

I am so sorry. Its cruel, its humiliating, its in poor taste...its pathetic...and its NOT YOUR FAULT.

Yes, your W is behaving like a self-centered teenager right now, but I truly believe that confronting her will not help. Unfortunately, you have to look at the big picture of your marriage and family. Think about the INTACT M & family you would like to have in five years...and then apply those 37 rules like your life depends on it.

Hang in there!!! As for me, I'd take a book to bed and a nice cup of warm (soy)milk and read and/or DB.

[In_Shock]

thanks alone for the support. I'm hanging in = determined to show myself that I can DB the He** outta this. This silly teenage rude inconsiderate hurtful behavior --- I will simply not acknowledge.

I do talk to W -- WHILE she's texting sometimes. Distract her my DB coach said. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does not. Just wonder what they have to discuss for hours? Like I said, it doesn't matter -- but if she would talk to ME....

I know, 25 says it will heat up before petering out....I wish I could wake up after it's over. Watching her face while she texts for hours is so painful. Keeping my mouth shut....priceless. LOL. I CAN DO THIS> You're right. Got to think of my intact family in 5 years. Duct tape - meet mouth. PMA. As if As if As if. Detach detach.

Think I'll take your advice. Go to bed with my Nook. Got some mindless mysteries i can read. Thank you Alone. Your support is really helping me right now.

[AloneAt35]

What do they have to talk about for hours?...Themselves.

You wouldn't believe how fascinating we can find ourselves. Trust me, they aren't talking with each other, they are talking at each other about (you guessed it) themselves.

Ignore, Ignore, Ignore...by rising above it, by being too good for it to bother you, by thinking of your son, by thinking of the nice dinner you had this weekend (I envy you...), and most of all by knowing that YOU can't make this stop...inertia will keep it going for a while, but since everything is subject to the laws of gravity here on planet Earth, and since we can all only tell the SAME stories about ourselves to the same person for just SO long, it will eventually slow down.

You've just got to tough this out and trust me that the conversations are as stupid and self-centered as I say they are.

[25yearsmlc]

Ok, so to update my weekend... ----

Sunday evening (yesterday) W and I went out to eat. We do that every week, at least one day of the weekend. We've done this for years - We had a really nice time last night. She was 'there' with me, not distant. We talked = i looked in her eyes a lot, made sure she knew I was interested - really listened and I was 'there' also. We laughed, and sat at the restaurant for two hours just talking. It was so nice.

A+...^^^^


I didn't bring up R talk except for a little roundabout bit or two. Nothing heavy.




I did tell her once I wish I could wake up from all this and it would be a certain week -- when we had an awesome vacation several years ago, before S4.

C-

I also told her that I do hope things work out with us someday, but that it would have to be a completely new relationship - starting from scratch.


This*^^^ might be fine but now you have said it once. Do NOT say it again. Be done. Otherwise it's all about 'look at me NOW! See my changes! They're real of course....look at them!!! They aren't tactics...SEE????"



Instead of her saying -- no, not a chance, I'm done, etc....as she usually says, ===== she said, "It would have to be. This one got us here"

I thought this was positive - instead of slamming it down, she at least left that door propped open a crack...

Absolutely is a positive. But say nothing about that again. Leave it alone.


We talked about her work, about many things and enjoyed each others' company. OW texted W once during our time out, and W did not answer Again, i thought this was a positive sign.

definitely positive...definitely.



So I've been DBing really really seriously for the past week = no R talk, detach lovingly, ALL of the 37 rules. I haven't broken any of them at all or backslid this week!!! I am keeping a close watch on my mouth.... NO R TALK. Just enjoy our time together. Work on the friendship... work on the family time with S4 (she even committed to going to the zoo with us this Saturday!!)


Baby steps...look for them here. THEY ARE HERE...it's helping. Keep on keeping on...


All I can do is what I can do -- I want to save my family and my relationship SO badly I am willing to do all the 'heavy lifting' in this relationship at this point. This counterintuitive stuff does seem to have a positive effect.


Wacky as it is, it does seem to help. And it doesn't hurt. Sometimes all we can do is not make it worse. Understand that. Accept that.



After we came home, she did spend quite the bit of time texting with OW, but.... I put myself on 'ignore' and went about my business.

Good job.

Like I was saying to Alone in my last post--- I want to BE THE BETTER CHOICE. The character of an OW or OM to me is LOW.... I am keeping my head held high. I am the mom. I am the spouse. I have the history of 13 years of life, mortgages, love and loss. OW is an infatuation-- W is projecting onto OW what she wants her to be.....he**, if they've known each other a couple of months, it's all 'perfect' now. I'm gaining patience. I'm gaining humility. I'm growing and I'm learning.

well done...A+

(just figured since you're a professor and all, you'd like to know how you're comparing. Oh, and I FAILED OW...)

[25yearsmlc]

Journaling....
this time of night is ALWAYS the hardest. W is sitting there on the other couch texting OW. They went out tonight -- OW, W and some other people...to dinner. She comes home and spends the night texting.

WTF could they possibly have to talk about for hours? ILYs only go so far. Geeeeeeze......

I get really down at this time of night. After S4 is in bed, W pretty much is 'with' OW...until bedtime. Why waste my time even thinking about it? Cause it's in my F*in face!!!! I guess I could leave the room, but it's my home too, and I struggle through this....NOT SAYING ANYTHING>>>>>> every damn night.

What to do? Just when we had a great evening...now this S***. Oh, the rollercoaster ride. I'm gonna hurl!

leave the room or the house.

Why stare at it?

Protect yourself...don't stand there, wanting to stomp your feet fuming...


You have free will, You are not "grounded"...don't be a masochist.

[In_Shock]

here's the plan for tonight. I'm going to do a 180 when W starts the BS texting OW -- I'm heading to the exercise room and use the treadmill -- shower, all that. I don't guess exercise is great at night for sleep, but I don't get much of that anyway so.... And I need to get back into exercising.

25 I can see the masochism of sitting here watching the texting... dreading this time of night EVERY NIGHT.... but I have been comfy in my own recliner, etc.... Now to try something different. Let's see how it works - problem I see is that I may not be able to stay out of the den long enough. She texts until bedtime every night. I like to sit and relax in the den too. Choices. We'll see....