Are there any midlife women who want daily sex?

[25yearsmlc]

I agree it is a huge shame that some counsellors push clients to "remember" false instances of abuse, creating a witch hunt. That shouldn't, mustn't invalidate everybody's experience with them. My point was that it can be difficult not to conflate the actions of the abuser with those of the spouse.

I agree that sexual abuse victims must take responsibility for their sexuality. I agree that they need to stop seeing themselves as victims and embrace their own power. I also refused to let some jerk from the past be an evil force in our marriage ... however, it took me 25 years from the abuse ending to figure out how to accomplish that fully. (And that was without any social workers involved.) Once I dug deep into myself, the degree to which the abuse had impacted all areas of my life was mind-blowing. And, felt wonderful to overcome.

Who knows how much SSMGuy's wife has spoken about her sexual abuse. From his perspective, it was almost irrelevant.

that's true. I picked up on its' lack of significance and accepted that at face value. But maybe it is a bigger deal to HER...we can only go by what we see here though. Such are the limitations...



Perhaps it has impacted her more than she knows--it's impossible to say, because she's not dealing with her issues.

You ask, "why is it okay for her to let that ruin his sex life or hers?" I don't think it is okay. I also don't believe that one person can ruin someone else's life--both partners have to take responsibility for that. SSMG seems to be enabling his wife's status as the victim, so presumably there must be a gain for him in not pushing for any change for decades.

also true. Hence my question about why he is here. SSm, that's why I asked if you are here to ask for permission to leave

or cheat or what?

When I suggest things to tell her, you say it'll hurt her.

well, leaving her will hurt too. So will an affair...

there's too much conflict avoidance here to have 2 happy people. My guess is that you now have 2 unhappy people in the m, b/c you are unsatisfied and she feels resentful.

You don't want her to be angry but don't think for a minute she's content with things as they are. It's just quieter this way...for now.

As for therapy...here's my .02 on it and I've done it a lot for a variety of issues.

some biggies and some "normal" life stages and transitions...

Weekly t with a good/great t can lay the groundwork for growth and smooth some things...

but for ME, when it comes to a crisis or a truly complicated issue or something that is a long standing pattern I want to break

I and most of my "enlightened friends" (i.e.,those willing to discuss this stuff)
benefit the most by going to a weekend retreat or workshop or seminar. Maybe I like brainwashing!!

Seriously, we're not into the cult things, but something geared towards making breakthroughs and coming up with action plans

is so much more "efficient" for my h and i, than weekly t's sessions that barely scratch the surface, or deal with that week's problems

instead of underlying CAUSES of problems....


I highly recommend you and your w attend something like THAT...

whether it's Retrovaille, or Essential Experience or a marriage Encounter (the deal with those is usually, they are for happy couples who simply want a tune up...

you have not had intercourse for 15 years SSm

to me, that's a marriage in crisis...and if it's not a crisis, then what is?

I mean it'd be totally different if you were okay with this...and at some level you have been.

What's that about? Why would you think it's alright to be married to someone who is SO NOT into sex that you don't have it?

You thought others were the same? A few maybe...but most people don't have one party deciding all the sex stuff

and most people are not willing to put aside this vitally important piece of themselves for so long.

I don't know why you were so willing to deny this for so long. Why do you think so? And do you have children? What do you hope for them when it comes to a vital sex life?

Why'd your w sort of like sex at first and then stop? What changed for her? Did she ever ask you to do something you didn't want to do?

have you read books on being a good lover?

And when you say she's "never had an o", you mean even with herself? in dreams?

See, you said her "hormones are normal"...and I don't really buy that. I MEAN MAYBE NOW...

but in her 20-30s...I literally dreamed of sex (not intentionally) and so, I don't understand how your w allegedly has NO sex drive and never did??

No way is that normal.

That's some serious inhibition. Anyway...

SSM, what do you want now?