Regretful and not sure how to proceed

[In_Shock]

[quote=AloneAt35]In Shock,

Truth is, this other man did "understand" me - why? Because he was just as messed up as I was at that time! Truth is, he was "emotionally deep"...why?...because he was in crisis too and so all of his feelings seemed more intense! But I didn't realize those things at the time - I just thought that the man I was living with was cold and shallow in comparison. Moreover, I just wanted to escape from the drudgery and pain of my own bad feelings and unhappiness - it wouldn't have mattered if I had the world's most perfect mate. I just wanted a diversion.


That is SO powerful - I can see exactly what you mean. I do believe W thinks of me as cold, dry, emotionally detached while OW is SOOOOO DEEP..... *



Yeah, we understood each other - for all of the wrong reasons. We were 'deep' - deeply self-absorbed.

I can see that too....unfortunately. Any person who comes into a relationship as the third person == when there is a child involved...to me, not a strong character trait -- just saying....


So when your W says that you are emotionally 'behind her' or 'underdeveloped', I question whether or not she isn't just depressed/unhappy/unstable herself and seeking someone who is also in turmoil to commiserate with. YOU do not seem to be an emotionally stunted person. But when I was depressed, I was attracted to the OM because I thought, "He's been there, he UNDERSTANDS this, maybe he can fix me!"

thank you for the kind words -- I did grow up in an emotionally cold environment in many ways, but as I said I've worked VERY hard to get in touch with myself emotionally. It's never been easy, but I've come such a long way in the past decade or so. One of the problems W has had with me emotionally I guess is that I want to (like a lot of men do) fix things when she tells me about her problems. I want to help, she wants me to listen. I have really been working hard on that part. Being quiet is not my strong suit!


Truth is, two broken people can never fix each other.


I know this was a long story about my own brush with an EA many years ago, but when I heard what your W was saying, and how you were internalizing it all as though it were a fundamental truth about yourself, well I just had to speak up. Your character is not flawed...I can't say that for your W at this moment.

So to summarize, your W is saying you are emotionally underdeveloped because you are (well, you WERE) happy, content, fulfilled, and stable. She wants emotional intensity, which really means emotional instability. She wants someone who is self-absorbed, just like she is at the moment.

Again, unfortunately there is truth in what you say. Yes, I've internalized her words and truly have begun to believe I'm emotionally wayyyyy behind her and OW. Your story opened my eyes to a new perspective. For that I thank you immensely.

I'm thankful I had the character to not act on my emotions. Some people don't.

Character. There's that word again. I keep striving to build my character -- and I keep striving to improve MYSELF in every way possible. Character will always show -- regardless. I admire your honesty and also your CHARACTER. Alone....I know you've heard it before, but your H will realize his mistake. I hope it's not too late for him to mend things with you when he sees it.