Are there any midlife women who want daily sex?

[25yearsmlc]

25, I'm one of your biggest fans, but I do want to comment on a portion of your post:

"Past sex abuse? It's over used as an excuse for present day problems. I mean get help and fix this if so. It's crucial and unique to a marriage.

I don't really buy the past abuse excuse or she'd be pushing it more, so much as past baggage about sex in general, and present day lack of interest. Tell her to talk to a priest or pastor..."

I know that you are an extremely compassionate person in all other areas of the board, so I wondered whether you had much experience with the effects of sexual abuse?

sorry to say I have had direct and indirect experience with it. As a survivor of it, I worked it out. I got help. It doesn't ruin my present day life anymore as I faced it in my 20s and was not going to punish my h or myself, for the evil of another man.

Also I defended child molesters (not by choice) in the Army as a L. What impressed me most was the (uh oh, here it comes-the
"Resilience- of children.) But They DO get past this unless we keep harping and harping on their suffering and make it a focal point..and I say that from my own experience as well.

So for SSm wife to say it, now and then doesn't ring true for me. I wonder if it's one of those "recovered" memories or what? The fact that she doesn't make a big deal about it until if and only when he presses strikes me but worse, is she won't get help for it. So where does that leave HIM? And why is it ok for her to let that ruin his sex life or hers?

Based on how little he says she says, I don't think it's that. I just think she's got a low sex drive and is not listening to him OR she's got serious issues to work on...either way, she is responsible for how she acts TODAY...imo.


If it were the worst/ most serious past sex abuse, (yes I believe there are degrees b/c I have witnessed that)... I'd think that would be the FIRST thing he told us about b/c it would be THE thing SHE spoke of...but it's not.

Cyrene, I hear your concern and appreciate it, but ...to an extent I tire of the victimhood I was asked to walk around with by social workers and counselors "helping" me... for so long --too long. Almost wondered if I was a meal ticket for them...I mean they never let me forget it or move past...

I think Sex is a gift from God and I'm not letting anyone take that from me. Especially someone from my past.

As a counsellor who works with sex abuse victims in the legal system explained to me, when a child is being abused, its primitive brain stem (the one that asks only "am I safe/unsafe?") kicks in and orders "freeze." The child often feels nothing, sometimes seems to leave its body, and doesn't register what's happening on an accessible level. Each incident of abuse can leave a blank, as if time elapsed that can't be accounted for.

In my own case, I knew each time "something" happened, and was aware that some were "worse" than others. I didn't realize that I didn't know exactly what went on for another 15 years--I just assumed I didn't want to think about it, not that I was actually unable to access those memories.

When I did have some flashbacks, I was horrified--I had assumed "not much" had happened to me, certainly not what I was now remembering. Apparently, it takes a measure of trust in one's spouse to be able to access those repressed memories--but the effect of having them was to feel that the flashbacks were CAUSED by my H's sexual activities (they only occurred at that time). Fascinated, I saw how when my H touched me, I could freeze so completely that I couldn't feel a thing--clearly a skill I had perfected while being molested. Yet it is difficult for the primitive brain stem to separate past from present, to know when to yell "Freeze!" when sex ceases to feel safe.

Yes, it's possible to get beyond this point. Realizing that your H will not and should not tolerate a lack of sex in the marriage just because you haven't dealt with your issues yet, is a great motivator to do so. However, it is EXTREMELY difficult to grapple with an issue from which a fundamental element of your brain is attempting to protect you.

Anyhow, I couldn't let that comment pass, 25. Now carry on with your good work!