Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Typically I don't go on this board from home. We have a small house, and there is not much chance to get online in private. And this is sort of my chance to get my s#!t sorted out independent of my M life, so I don't really want W to be watching while I type this stuff out.

The result is that I am not usually here on the weekend. So, I get to look over the weekend on Monday and get some perspective.

Thankfully, I have a little bit of peace right now. Either W and I are more relaxed and not getting on each other's nerves, or I am not reacting to/analyzing everything W says as much as usual. I think it's a little of both.

Yesterday at church, the priest was sermoning on forgivenness, and I think that got W to lighten up a little bit. We didn't really talk or spend much time together yesterday, but she also showed some appreciation for the things that I was doing. Later when I told her she looked really pretty tonight, she thanked me. Believe it or not, this is huge. Usually she would answer, "Yeah, right," or, "Okay, what do you want," or some such. Doesn't take compliments very well, usually.

At any rate, makes me feel a lot less anxous around the house. Kept good and busy yesterday, even if it was only work that needed to get done around the house. But I also spent some time with the kids.

It gets me that a week or two ago I was complaining that, while I had made some progress, nothing more seemed to be changing. Right now, I am enjoying the fact that there are no changes. It is a quiet time, and seems to be giving me a chance to recharge from the stress of trying to hold myself together while W continues to process her anger with me and our current separateness.

I have to wonder what it will be like if/when we start to come back together - to start "piecing." I am a little afraid that I will begin to rely on her again. My GAL efforts have not been that strong, and I can't think of anything for me that I love so much that I would be motivated to hang on to it if W and I were back in love.

I guess over the course of the relationship, especially through parenthood, I have largely lost myself. My whole life has become all about providing for my family, being a good father and, less successfully, a good husband. If someone asked me about ME, I don't really know what I would answer. And I guess I am just realizing that it's hard to love that way. My love seems less full when I am not anyone independent of W and kids.

I guess that is all I have on my mind today. Apart from that, I am just aware of the extra space I have, and enjoying BREATHING.