I was DB'ing but just discovered an affair

[Still learning]

I don't know if "going dark" is necassary. Maybe just be less available and accomodating. Be unavailable, then suggest another time. Or simply say "Let me check my calendar and get back to you" before agreeing to meet up. (I wouldn't do this regarding issues with your D, of course) Be friendly, don't explain, and see how she reacts. Others might have more experience with this than I do. PS again - lexapro sort of does that. It's probably a good sign that you feel good or bad about other things, but can handle the stuff with your W with some detachment.

[ncl]

Regarding "going dark".... It's especially tough to do in situations where young children are involved and you have to have daily contact with your spouse. What I did in my situation (and I have 4 young kids and have to be in contact several times a day to coordinate extracurricular activities, homework, etc) is that I only made contact when it was absolutely necessary, and I limited our conversations to the matter at hand. Otherwise, I had nothing to do with my H and acted very "business only" with him...no coming in and visiting with me while waiting on the kids, no discussing our day, work, etc. I wasn't rude, but I was detached.
I agree NTX doesn't need to go completely dark, but going dim wouldn't hurt. His wife needs to wonder what he's up to and have a chance to miss him.

[NTX_Dad]

LC -

I am not sure why we are moving forward with the divorce to be honest. I don't want it, she's the one who has started this whole sitch.

It's very strange. She gave me the ILYBNILWY speech last April, and she had said things occasionally over the summer that confirmed she still felt that way.

She told me last night that I will always be her best friend. But best friends don't typically get jealous or kiss. Heck, we even went way further than a kiss just three weeks ago.

The common theme I hear on here and from a close friend here is that I need to work on making her miss me. I went several days without seeing her and when she came to the house, she seemed to have missed me and touched me several times while asking about my week.

I won't see her this week, but I have almost the same dilemma for this coming Friday. She has a pair of tickets for Friday to a singer that we really enjoy and she asked me to go. I want to go because I like the singer a lot, and when we go out we have a lot of fun like we are dating again. So I want to go badly, but know that I have to detach some.

Maybe I could go this one last time and then detach and create mystery...? There are no other events coming up that I am aware of that we would want to do together.

[ncl]

I think it is fine for you to go to the concert with her. It's something you want to do, so do it! Plus, if going out together brings you two closer then by all means, go for it. I think there are several people on this board who would love to be in your shoes with their WAS asking them out.

You wrote that you won't see her all week, so I think that will really make her look forward to seeing you this weekend. Again, going dim isn't about being rude or ignoring the WAS; it's about allowing yourself to emotionally detach and make some changes while giving the WAS time to miss you and wonder what you are up to. So play it cool this week, and then have a blast on Friday evening. Look super hot, and maybe wear something new or a new cologne. Get her attention!

It's important to remember that there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to DB'ing, ESPECIALLY when one is in our shoes of already having a divorce on file and are separated. Hey, separation has been the best thing to bring my H and me together over the last couple of weeks, and that may be the case for you two, as well. I sure hope we are both success stories.

You asked me on my thread about dating my husband. Even with four kids, we made it a priority for most of our marriage to have a date night at least once a week. Part of having four kids means having a list of sitters to rely on! Once he dropped the bomb (this time), I stopped scheduling dates; I didn't want to appear to be pursuing him. I'm hopeful that soon we will be back to "dating" again.

[NTX_Dad]

My W text me pictures of her hair this afternoon. She just had a slight style change and lightened it and got highlights. I'm not sure why she sent them to me, I don't know if she still thinks about me often because she may emotionally attached still, or if it's just a habit, or if she wants to rub it in. I told her she looked great.

A few minutes later she said she bought a TV stand and would cook me dinner one night if I could come over and carry it up the steps. Conventional wisdom says I should let her figure it out since she divorced me, but she'd have to get some man to do it, so I rather it be me. Plus it would give me a chance to see my daughter on a night that I normally wouldn't.

She said she found a sitter so the concert for this Friday is a "go". It's weird, we've dated more since we split up than we did all last year. LOL

[ncl]

So, are you going to dinner?
She's really pursuing you. What do you make of it? When y'all had your talk this weekend, did she mention putting the divorce on hold or act like she's still planning on moving forward with it?

[NTX_Dad]

I ended up going to the dinner. It was great to have a home cooked meal again... I think I can count on one hand the number of home cook meals we've had this summer.

I carried her TV stand up to her apartment and began to assemble it. I didn't finish it though because we started to run out of time. We took our D8 to Sonic and then came back to the apartment. My D8 insisted that we both put her to bed and she read to us for 15 minutes.

Afterwards my W and I sat on the couch for 5-10 minutes making light conversation and then I decided to leave. When I was leaving she insisted on a hug, and then she reminded me how excited she was about the concert this coming Friday.

LC - you may be right... I get the feeling sometimes that she is pursuing me. I don't want to get my hopes up though, so I will continue to detach (with the exception of the concert Friday) and see where this is going.

[In_Shock]

sounds like a lot of positive things. Just follow your own words -- detach and see where it is going. Even if she is pursuing (which it does sound like) if you take the bait too quickly, she will take off running again!

Slow and steady wins the race. We here at DB have to keep the patience of saints, but in the end if we have our families, it is worth it. Take it slow. And let us know how it progresses!

[Kalni]

Hi,
is this your only thread? If yes, I read it and this is my take on your sitch:

Your wife got involved with this man and wanted out. I would take it for granted she had a PA. OM dropped her (would be interesting to know what he is, is he married, single etc etc, do you know, did I miss it?) and your wife was let down...
Now she wants to be single AND have family time again. She wants it all. I wouldnt suggest going dark right now but I would suggest you dim things a lot.

She is not detached and you still have a chance. Women appreciate and admire strong decissive men. And this is your chance to be and act like one.

Focus on you and your kid, create new routines, work on your mood, your looks, get your humor back, invest in your R with your D, have strict and clear boundaries.

When she invites you to meet up, dont accept every invitation. Dont be rude but politely use an excuse. You dont call, you dont reply at her texts immediately, you dont use the chances you get to see/be with her. You really need to become attractive at this point. She needs to start wondering, she needs to start wanting to know what is going on. She needs to realise you may be leaving her. I would go so far when she asks, because she will, to tell her that you decided she was right:You are not good together but you can be friendly for your child. Fake it till you make it.

Your story isnt weird at all. I have read many similar ones the 3+ years I've been around. And I've seen many men getting their hopes up too soon only to be disappointed. Right now you are the fisherman, she needs to bite that bait for good BEFORE you pull her out. Be patient. Reaaaaalllly patient.
Godo luck
K

[NTX_Dad]

In_shock and Kalni -

Thank you for your input.

It does seem like there's still some sort of attachment on her behalf. I think y'all are right, I think she does want freedom and family at the same time.

I think the theory of her wanting that other guy and it falling through may be a good possibility. They did trade inappropriate texts earlier in the summer. She denies anything physical happened, but I am just not sure. I do know that now he has a girlfriend and that my W's contact with him has dropped significantly. It's not totally gone because his kids are friends with our D, and he's been a good friend of both of us for five years now.

Yesterday got heated between us. My attorney asked about our debts and I listed them all out in email and stated that it was my opinion that W should take quite a bit of them. My opinion got back to her somehow and she was livid. She texted and called me quite a bit and it wasn't pleasant at all.

We quit talking later in the day and this morning the contact has been limited, but cordial.