Oh and I'll check out the book Barb, could be helpful. But, I also don't believe in this idea that you leave people waiting when they call etc. I don't play games with people. If she calls, I answer. She does the same for me. Yesterday, she called and I missed the call, so she waited three hours to hear from me but that wasn't on purpose. She almost ALWAYS responds right away to me when I call or text. So I don't think anyone has anyone wrapped around their fingers. Anyway, I'll grab the book. Thanks again.
You're entitled to your opinion on that. I don't believe in GAMES either. But I don't want to be a "Beck and Call" girl and I said that from the beginning when I was dating. The truth is - everyone wants what is not that easy to obtain. We live in a "throwaway" society - like it or not. We know that from how easily our spouses tossed us to the curb. I'm just saying that a little "uncertainty" and a little bit of mystery adds to the intrigue and that is part of building a sustainable relationship.
Well rounded life is what we should all be after. The best we can have for ourselves with respect to family, lovelife (if we want one), career, recreation, spirituality etc. As my Dad always taught me - "everything is good in moderation". BALANCE When I become obsessed about something - I lose my balance. I did that in my first Post D R. I'm doing it now with something else. And then other things slide. Silly but easily happens.
Balance is certainly what we should shoot for, indeed! In a new R you're very susceptible to "what did that mean" "did I do something wrong" etc. so my goal, aside for going slow, is "think less". Thanks again, hope your sitch resolves itself soon. Btw, I wasn't implying that you support playing games. I just feel that MM and I don't seem to make each other wait when it comes to contact and I'm OK with that. We seem to be on the same page there. Now, as far as asking her to do something I will wait, let her sort out her schedule and relax a bit. No teasing about getting together although I don't think she has an issue with that cuz I always do it in a humorous way but, hey, why play with fire! lol
Oh my thing is not a bad thing at all - just another adventure. And when I get my head around something- I totally focus on that and nothing else. And I lose my balance. Again. LOL - I am certainly not perfect and need to remember to practise what I preach.
Hey, I'm like that too Barb! If something excites me I want to learn all about it...right now! I'll immerse myself in whatever it is and yes, sometimes that's a pain to those around me who may not be as excited about it as I am. The Montessori learning style says that this is how people learn, they immerse themselves in something and then move on as they master it or something else grabs their attention. It's much better than being someone who just doesn't get excited about anything!
The problem has nothing to do with flirting, it has to do with neediness/bandaiding. Whether or not MM is any better for you than CB is TBD. But, a lot of what is going on right now seems A LOT like CB replay for the same stuff that was behind CB. You were using CB to feel good and to help you breakaway from W. Not much seems different, except it is a few years later. You kind of stalled for awhile. So, movement is good.
BUT you have to be careful because whether you see it or not, from here your actions and neediness look A LOT like any other newly minted LBS who jumps into the deep end of a R despite the dating partner sending some pretty clear signals that they aren't jumping in too. A significant part of what is going on with you and your feelings probably has very little to do with MM right now and more to do with your old M. People get hurt during these periods, they just do.
This does NOT mean that things between you and MM won't work. Maybe you will have a beautiful R and a happy M until the end of your days. WHO KNOWS? It is unlikely that your first real R after W would lead to such a thing, but certainly it could.
But RIGHT NOW, give her some space to figure out if she is even interested in you. She glances your way and you are up in her face, so she has to turn away. Give her a chance to look.
Imagine this convo:
OT: Wii, I'm coming to Canada, I really want to take you and MM to lunch Wii: Well, I'm not sure....... OT: No problem, I'm fine with that, but I'd really like you to show me your favorite lunch spot sometime Wii: Not sure we'd have time OT: Right, I get that, during the work week and all. But hey, I can extend my trip a day so that we can go on Saturday, but only if you want of course Wii: Ya know, you're a great DB friend, but I'm just not sure about meeting in person, especially with MM OT: Of course! You absolutely need to talk to her about that first. And, tell her I am very happily married, no need to be jealous, lol. Wii: Ummm, that isn't really where I was going OT: Oh, so you just need to check her calendar first? Great, let's just tentatively pencil it in for Saturday Wii: I really can't do that OT: Well, it is fine if you can't commit. I'll pencil it in just in case so I'll be available if you two want to do something. Just let me know :-) I'm sure I can find something else to do which would be fantastic. So, no pressure at all! Just let me know if you ever want to do anything with me while I'm in town, whenever, but no worries if not! I'll send you my email, cell phone, and you can text me anytime. But I won't plan on hearing from you really. Wii: OK Gotta Go
The next day.... OT: Hey Wii, I started to worry I might have been pressuring you. You didn't feel any pressure did you? Because whatever you want to do is fine with me, I totally understand. No pressure. So I won't bring it up again unless you let me know you want to do something, OK?
........
How are you feeling after these exchanges? How do I seem? Can you see yourself at all?
Look, you are in a very emotionally vulnerable position. This is the biggest movement you've made from your W SINCE the CB stuff. All you need to do is be AWARE of that.
It is simply a brute fact that most dating Rs don't end in LTRs. That's why we have to date.
You and MM seem to have a good thing going which seems to be good for you. But that doesn't mean that it is in a bubble separate from the rest of your life. It isn't.
So, just be aware of that -- when you feel the neediness rather than joy, that neediness is about your old M. THAT is why you need to back off and make space. Don't carry that into the new R. It shouldn't be the job of the new R to fix that for you, and that neediness will squash the bright spots out of the new R if you don't acknowledge it and show it the hand.
Please don't leave the bb. Obviously you still want to be here. I honestly believe OT is trying to help. She would not post if she didn't care. Me either.
I don't remember CB so I'm a little lost here. But I thought the analogy was good. That doesn't mean MM doesn't like you or you aren't starting something good. But it would be so very easy to mess it up by being overbearing at this point. And your friends would not want to see you get hurt.
And I loved what you explained about the learning style in Montessori. I had no idea but it makes my obsessiveness about learning just feel better.
OK, I've cooled down. I didn't approach this out of neediness, I approached this because I wanted to meet this woman. I went way out of my comfort zone and made it happen. I worked on her for a month in front of everybody because that's what I had to do to make this happen. I made something nice happen for me and nobody is going to sh!t on me because of it! And yes, I do feel joy when I'm with her, talking to her, FBing with her and texting her. I smile more than I can remember. It's so nice to have someone who I can talk to every day who wants to know how my day went. Tonight she wanted to know if I was OK, she asked me to tell her slowly what was wrong, so I did. I fear losing that and going back to being alone, I get anxious. So, tonight I talked to MM about all this. I told her "I don't want to push you away but I want you to know I care" Anyway, she told me she is fine with where we are together and how I'm treating her. She said "I am so glad that you care for me, it makes me very happy" She also called me "lolo", grandfather, because I think so much I'm like an old man! I said "are you being mean or loving" she said "Yessss". We also talked about the differences in our cultures around dating and I told her I'm just not sure how to go slow but I'm willing to try but she has to help me. I said that if either of us needs space we need to tell the other. So anyway, I don't need any advice. I'm going with my instincts and they appear to be pretty good at this point. OT, are you paying for lunch?
