Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Here is the email my H sent me after our fight on Saturday and my responses (in blue). In Re-reading this, I clearly see how angry and hurt I sound. I can't believe I blew it like this. I am so ashamed and embarrassed about my behavior, but sharing it here and being accountable for it is part of my recovery.

The truth is that I should have never responded to his email. No wonder he wants a divorce. I can't believe I have fallen so low

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Hi,

I'll start by saying I'm still in a bit of shock right now. I sent a text earlier, but I was trying to wait until I stopped choking up before I wrote something more to you.

After reading your email, I am also shocked. There is sooo much we are just not in sync with and I hope that my responses can move us closer to an understanding. Please know that my email is coming from a place of GOODWILL and a desire to try to communicate better and resolve things and NOT from a place of anger.


I am very sorry that my comment was snide. I was responding to a comment that you made about me needing to be there.
I said "the girls need you" (which is true) NOT that "you needed to be there." It's not my place to give you orders or tell you what to do.

I know you didn't intend to be snide, but coming off the fact that 20 minutes earlier you got mad at me about spending time with the girls,
I want to clarify that I got mad 20 minutes earlier about a SCHEDULING issue, not about the AMOUNT of time you spend with the girls. The issue was that I asked you to take the kids on Oct. 1st, and you didn't want to change your plans, even though you were the one who established the "first come, first serve" system just a couple of weeks ago.

you have to admit it was NOT a stretch for me to think you were being snide to me. Whether you were or weren't, my comment was not appropriate, and I am truly sorry. What ensued from that one comment felt like a blitzkrieg to me. I was totally stunned, because I thought we were doing so well. My only conclusion is that something else tipped you off… seeing a text message (I did leave my phone on the table) or seeing a charge on my account that you weren't sure about? Whatever it was, It was about OW I'm sure because you jumped from spending time with the kids to "xxxing OW" in about two seconds flat.

What set me off is what always sets me off... you thinking the WORST of me. I have to admit that this is the single biggest trigger for me from you. It hurts me when you don't give me the benefit of the doubt.

I've been trying to avoid the subject of OW for awhile now. You said you didn't want to talk about it, and it only makes you angry. I tried to avoid it again today, but it's hard to listen to you blast me, make things up, not let me speak, and have to just sit there and take it.


I DO care what you think of me, and it hurts that you accuse me of so many things that aren't true or make assumptions about my relationship with her.
I don't make things up - I just go by what I have seen happen since Nov. 11TH. Believe me - I was in denial for MONTHS, and I defended you with a lot of people. But unfortunately, it is all there, on paper, in black and white and with plenty of actions from your part (and things you said directly to me) to corroborate what I refused to believe. But you think I have made some things up, and if so, I am sorry about it. So please, please tell me what it is I am making up so I don't repeat it again.

She is not the problem and she didn't do anything to you.
You are right - she is not the problem, but she IS sleeping with a man who happens to still be my husband and the father of my daughters and my newborn son.
So to me, she is IS doing something very, very hurtful to me and my children every day, with every call, every text, every kiss and every intimate moment you guys have together...I don't think it's too hard to understand how I feel, and unfortunately nothing you or she say will change the facts or the hurt you both are inflicting on both your families now.


The reality is that OW is NOT important. You and I xxxed this up, not her or any other woman I've dated the last 7 months.
I totally agree that we xxxed our relationship up and I have taken responsibility for my share all along and have been working on changing my wrongs since you left.

Whether or not you and I have a piece of paper that says we're divorced, the truth is that we are no longer together and I've made that very clear to you since February. I'm surprised every time you indicate that you think otherwise.
I take my marriage promise to you very seriously, but most importantly, my love for you is my priority - I really meant it when I said "for better or for worse" and I have been trying to work on giving our marriage and our family another shot, and I have been very clear to you about it all along, so I don't know why you are surprised every time.

I've never said anything to indicate that I wanted to get back together with you.
I guess I misunderstood when you said you were unsure about what to choose between OW and your family - I really thought I was part of that family too. Sorry I misunderstood you.

To be blunt, you're right, I don't feel bad about dating. It was my choice to put myself out there after we separated, and it was nice to be with people that made me feel attractive and gave me attention. I wish you could understand that.
I do understand that, or I would have not been trying to make you feel attractive, or give you love, attention and affection all this time.

I just happened to hit it off with one of those women.
Bad luck for me, I guess

Despite the fact that OW is irrelevant for us, please don't assume things about her or make things up in your own mind. I've avoided telling you this, because I didn't feel it was any of your business, but if you want to know the whole story… OW and her husband have been seeing other people since before OW and I started to date, and they are both aware of it. They've tried to work it out off an on, but neither of them really has strong emotional feelings for the other. They basically lived together and tried to have a nice household for their kids, but realized it wasn't the best option if they weren't in love with each other. They don't argue about it (in fact they never argue about much at all), and they actually both really like each other, and to be frank, that's the issue --- they are friends, nothing more and they parent well together. Her husband doesn't know about me specifically, but he does know there's someone else. OW also knows there is someone that he is seeing, but doesn't know her personally.
Sorry to be blunt about this as well, but all of this information is of no consolation to me - on the contrary. they both sound to me like people of less than outstanding moral integrity. If anything, all this just makes me sad for the example they are setting for their daughters about what integrity and honesty should be, how a woman should be treated and the self-respect she should have for herself. But I am sure you don't care about what I think of them and you will probably resent me for "judging" them.

I have chosen not to talk about my relationships to anyone except to a select few friends. You should know that my boss is not one of those select few friends, and he never will be.
Never mind that it wouldn't look too good for either you or OW professionally...

And neither is my mom or my siblings. To be fair, these aren't people that I talked about you to either when I first started dating you. When the time is appropriate, I will. For now, it's too early in the relationship. It doesn't make the relationship any less legitimate or mean I'm scared of people's opinions, it just means that I'm not interested in talking about my personal life when it's going through so many changes all at once. All of my closest friends know I'm dating, and most of them know about OW. If they don't, it's simply because it hasn't come up.
It makes sense.

You said that I disrespect you, and I'm sorry if I'm going about this wrong, but I don't know any other way.
I did expect you to go about it differently when you left - facing and dealing with our problems directly rather than running away and start dating not even a month after you left your family. I understand that trying with me is not an option for you at this point, so I can see how you wouldn't see any other way than how you have behaved so far.

I'm working my xxx off, coming over to see the girls and then sleeping… that's it. On occasion, I get to see a friend, but probably less than you do. I am thankful that you are accommodating on these occasions, but I certainly haven't abused your accommodations, and I definitely don't "treat you like xxx."

I have to disagree here... As you know, except for the less than half dozen times that you have had the kids sleep over with you in the last 8 months, I am a parent 24 /7 around here... So no, I have NOT had more time than you for friends, fancy dinners, or frequent trips and fancy hotel suites.

If I can be blunt, I don't feel bad for you about "working your xxx off" as it relates to your comment here. I have also been "working my xxx off" since you met me AND I have been a full-time parent not only when we were together, but also since you left.

I am also at peace knowing that I have been trying to save US money whenever possible. I have also seen you spending money, miles and points who knows how. (Cause as you said today, you DON'T want me to know how you spend YOUR money, so I don't have all the details here. But by you being so secretive and vague with me about it, you have to expect that I will wonder if you are hiding something from me.

And believer me - I have resisted this thought FOR MONTHS, but unfortunately for me I HAVE found out about expenses that do not relate directly to the well-being of our family and I find that very hurtful and disrespectful. So I don't know... maybe some people would consider some of this as treating me like xxx, but I understand that you don't agree with me.


I have been honest with you to a fault lately.
I believe there is a difference between being honest and being disrespectful. You are honest when you say you are going on a trip up north, but not when you say you are going on a business trip. And It is NOT ok to start talking to me so casually about OW in front of our children. As I explained to you, that to me is not honesty, so I am glad we talked about it and I hope you understand where I am coming from. I am still your wife, and if that doesn't mean anything to you anymore (which it seems that way), at least I hope the fact that I am a HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS should.

I'm sorry that I wasn't honest with you about dating early on, but I always thought you'd just get mad and I didn't want to make my life more miserable.
It saddens me that your whole motivation was not to make your life more miserable. You stated your position very clearly today - you have a right to be happy and you have also said it before - it's all about "Live 4 today" I apologize if it sounds judgmental to you, I am just being honest and calling it as I see it.

Guess what? Now that you know I'm dating, and now that you know all the details you say you don't want to hear but try so hard to figure out, my life IS miserable. And the truth is, we're separated and the details aren't really any of your business. I'm sorry to be so blunt.

I am trying my best to move forward in the manner that both YOU and I agreed to … to be loving, friendly parents to our beautiful kids. This means we have to avoid the topics that cause us to argue.
In my view, avoiding things is a HUGE part of what destroyed our marriage, and I see it as RUNNING AWAY.
I believe with all my heart that to be loving and friendly parents to our beautiful kids we need to learn to DEAL with our problems TOGETHER and find a way to talk about ALL topics in a non-confrontational way. Until we BOTH make an effort to do that, we will NEVER be successful. I hope someday you can agree with me on this and get on board with me to figure out how to get us there - not for the sake of our beautiful children, but for our own happiness


Yelling in front of the girls is not appropriate no matter how mad you are at me.
I TOTALLY AGREE. As I said in my text, I already started to fix this and have apologized to the girls. It will not happen again.

Today, you must have said "xxx" a half dozen times and then D heard you call me an xxx. What were you thinking? I mean, who does that? How do you rationalize hurting your kids like that?
I have not and will not rationalize my behavior today... I take full responsibility for it - it was WRONG.

If you want to believe my relationship with OW is about sex that's your opinion, but keep it to yourself and please don't talk about it in front of the girls.
I know perfectly well it's not just about sex. Believe me - I wish it was...

I can just see D going to school on Monday and saying "Mommy says Daddy xxx OW". Last week, D asked me why you were mad and asked if you needed a nap.

With all my heart, I believe that the kids are better off without us together. They don't deserve to see people fighting.
I agree that they are better off without the relationship we had. I DON'T WANT THAT FOR THEM - I WANT A NEW RELATIONSHIP WHERE WE SHOW HOW WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND CARE FOR EACH OTHER.

They deserve to see examples of people that love each other and care for each other. As you know, yelling in front of the girls was the last straw for me in December, and I'm mad at myself that I let you keep going today. Unfortunately, I had this overwhelming need to tell you you were wrong and correct your lies and innuendos. So I stuck around and tried to get an honest word in, when I should have just left and saved the girls from experiencing that.
As I said before, I am sorry too that they experienced that as well.

If you want to move forward with the divorce, I will do as you wish.
? I don't know what info you have to try to put this on me. I will repeat it again - I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE - NOW OR IN THE FUTURE.

As I've said to you on numerous occasions, I wanted to work together with you financially until you felt it was appropriate to head back to work. I thought that is what you wanted to do too, so now I'm confused
??? We had never discussed working together financially until I got back to work RELATED TO A DIVORCE...I am totally lost here... In fact, today was the first time I got any sense that your motivation and the actions you are taking regarding our finances relate to moving forward with the divorce.
Since January 31st, you had not brought up or used the actual word divorce with me. You have been clear about not being in love with me and not wanting a relationship with me, but I thought we were still both talking about a separation while you tried your relationship with OW. too bad for me, really, really bad

I'm not putting pressure on you. You need to make the decision about when you go back to work.
Don't worry - I feel no pressure, I know it is my decision, but thank you.

Knowing that you say things you don't mean when you're angry, I'd like to ask you to think about it and get back to me about whether you want to move forward with the divorce... or wait until we sell the house and you go back to work.
Again - please don't try to put it on me - I don't want a divorce.

Either way is fine, and I promise to do my best to keep helping you get through this critical time with S, and to keep being there for the girls. I know they need the attention.

I'll leave this up to you.
Nope - this is not up to me. If it was up to me, things would be very different and you know that