25, I'm one of your biggest fans, but I do want to comment on a portion of your post:

"Past sex abuse? It's over used as an excuse for present day problems. I mean get help and fix this if so. It's crucial and unique to a marriage.

I don't really buy the past abuse excuse or she'd be pushing it more, so much as past baggage about sex in general, and present day lack of interest. Tell her to talk to a priest or pastor..."

I know that you are an extremely compassionate person in all other areas of the board, so I wondered whether you had much experience with the effects of sexual abuse?

As a counsellor who works with sex abuse victims in the legal system explained to me, when a child is being abused, its primitive brain stem (the one that asks only "am I safe/unsafe?") kicks in and orders "freeze." The child often feels nothing, sometimes seems to leave its body, and doesn't register what's happening on an accessible level. Each incident of abuse can leave a blank, as if time elapsed that can't be accounted for.

In my own case, I knew each time "something" happened, and was aware that some were "worse" than others. I didn't realize that I didn't know exactly what went on for another 15 years--I just assumed I didn't want to think about it, not that I was actually unable to access those memories.

When I did have some flashbacks, I was horrified--I had assumed "not much" had happened to me, certainly not what I was now remembering. Apparently, it takes a measure of trust in one's spouse to be able to access those repressed memories--but the effect of having them was to feel that the flashbacks were CAUSED by my H's sexual activities (they only occurred at that time). Fascinated, I saw how when my H touched me, I could freeze so completely that I couldn't feel a thing--clearly a skill I had perfected while being molested. Yet it is difficult for the primitive brain stem to separate past from present, to know when to yell "Freeze!" when sex ceases to feel safe.

Yes, it's possible to get beyond this point. Realizing that your H will not and should not tolerate a lack of sex in the marriage just because you haven't dealt with your issues yet, is a great motivator to do so. However, it is EXTREMELY difficult to grapple with an issue from which a fundamental element of your brain is attempting to protect you.

Anyhow, I couldn't let that comment pass, 25. Now carry on with your good work!