Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[ericmsant2]

Queen
I am not going to say that you are angry but I wanted to point out what I see in your post.
Before I continue please take a look at the quote below…

We had our problems especially communicatively

Now take a look at this….

but I did not and do not see them as insoluble.

In my analysis,it would require change from him as well

I am willing to facilitate progress in that direction in any way I can and he is aware of that

I can only dance alone to the music

In my perception, STBX tolerates contact with me because of our children

On some level I sense a pride/reluctance to ask for or reach out for help

I, me, you, what you want, when you want, how you want. That is what I see in your quotes. Read them, read them carefully. Look at the way you refer to HIM. It seems like you are pissed because he is not doing what YOU tell him to do. He is NOT……AT LEAST RIGHT NOW….and MAYBE NEVER but do you always have to get your way?

However, my POV really matters little here

I would disagree….YOUR POV is all that matters RIGHT NOW….. At least that is what your posts say to me.

He appears to want to do it all by himself without professional guidance

You are probably RIGHT…HE wants to do it by himself. HE WANTS control over HIS life. Can you see how it appears that everything is NOT done on YOUR timeline, the way YOU want it done. IMO, this is the “communication” issue that you talk about. So have YOU resolved YOUR part of the communication issue (considering that YOU cannot resolve his part for HIM)?

If it were only about me, and I didn't have other considerations perhaps at least I'd be willing to take more risks, but I have other people reliant on me and their lives will be even more changed by that. I won't gamble with their futures.

I understand the need to make sure that the kids are taken care of and are fine. That said, you are making this about YOU. You want what you want and you want it NOW. You want him to go get help, do what YOU say to do. You want him to LISTEN to YOU. Are you wrong to feel this way? No. Is he wrong to feel the way that he FEELS. Stop for one second and consider his pain, his anger, his frustration. Stop for a second and realize that maybe he needs to SEE YOU give HIM room and space to make HIS own choices.

I love him, but I can't help him or change his mind.

What if he felt or said the same thing to you? “Queen, I am messed up…I just need time and space to figure this crap out”. “I am lost and I need YOU to understand”.
Queen, I want to be clear here…I am not saying that you should be a doormat and allow him to do whatever he needs to do. Nope. BUT I think YOU need to consider HIS feelings as well as the kids. Is that not what LOVE is?

Shock. He teared up, got emotional, while I was not. Said he wasn't making anyone happy, least of all himself, and decided to enroll in the program I am doing.

AND WHAT DOES THIS ^^^^^ tell you?

I love him, I always will, but if he isn't absolutely crazy about me, doesn't love me for me, it's not enough.

And I will play your H for a sec…….”well if she does not love me enough to understand that I am fu*ked up right now…well I do not want her”. Hmmm….communication…..compassion, understanding….Hmnmmm….

Queen,

I have a few questions for you and the answers are for YOU…not me….

What do you hope to accomplish with the threat of Divorce or actually divorce itself?

Is it finances that you worry about?

Is it how and how often he sees the kids?

Do you think the threat would shock his as* back to reality?

Is it that you want to date?

Is it that you want to CONTROL the sitch and take back your life?

Is it that you want to get out of Limbo land?

Do you need the legal piece of paper to feel free? If so, why?


I will leave you with this….

I am just a 42 year old dude that lives in CT and so what the hell do I know. That said, trying to control someone and letting go is so hard. I have learned how our actions in many cases are an attempt to manipulate and control someone else to GET what WE want. I have also learned that the best gift that you can give someone is freedom.

Freedom does not COME from the divorce decree…it comes from within….it comes from a peace that one feels when they take control of their life from a healthy place.

You signed up in November of 2010 – It is Sept of 2011 – Can you look in the mirror and say that you gave this everything you had? OR can you say that you did the best you could, your tired and really sick of this chit?

The answer again is for YOU!

I hope and pray that you do not take my post the wrong way….I truly want the best for YOU.

God Bless,
Eric