So about 4 weeks ago, my H presented me with a letter. Apparently a letter 9 years (the length of our entire marriage in the making. Together 13 years.) The letter explained how he felt that I did not love him anymore and was not interested in anything (friends, celebrating holidays) that are important to him…and of course the intimacy was gone. He was completely lonely. The letter was very sad. He said that he believed that this was how I felt. That I had been out of the marriage and not “into him.” For a really long time…I mean years. So by the point he wrote this letter, he had already gone through all the stages of mourning the relationship and he was ready for me to say, “your right…I am just not into it anymore…I am glad you said it…let’s just go our separate ways.” But the truth was though that though that was the way I was acting….that is not how I feel at all! Think of kind of the walk away wife in reverse. I was “taking care” of my husband…supporting his career, taking care of the finances, managing the house, and the dog..and by the way I am a full time in-house attorney with a very demanding schedule. But I was not showing him any real affection. I was initiating what appeared just like 3 minute wife obligation sex. My H’s view is that he has been trying to fix this over and over for years..like not 2…like 8 and that we have had multiple arguments and discussions about it over the years. But to be honest, I cannot even really remember. I totally had my head in the sand. If I believed that it was not happening….it would not happen. In June he planned this super romantic vacation in Mexico. Now I know that that was essentially my last chance. I totally blew it. I felt sick the entire time. I knew I was not physically ill but all I wanted to do was go to the room and sleep. I did not even want to float is the pool with a drink in the sun (probably one of my most favorite things to do). I understand now there was a combination of things happening and worsening over the years. (1) I had suffered from episodic depression before, but now I understand that I never came back to what would be a “normal” mood for someone else. They call it Dysthymia. Major symptoms for me are difficulty motivating (feeling like everything is a chore), Loss of interest in things that you used to enjoy (including sex), unexplained aches and pains (headache, backache, stomachache). (2) I just took my husband for granted. I was actually so flippant about how…we were married now…I did not have to do things like go skiing. Looking back now I am horrified. (3) I was mirroring my parents. My mother is not touchy feely…my father is always grabbing her and hugging her and telling her how beautiful she looks and she kind of rolls her eyes. But I know my mother loves my father and I believe he knows it to. My mother has also suffered from depression most of her life. So I did tell my H how I truly felt. Acknowledged all of his feelings and took responsibility for all that I have done and have taken steps to change. I have a shrink. On some Prozac. I tried to act upbeat and show him that things could be different. He agreed to go to a couples therapist. But that did not help. He was not really a marriage advocate but just kind of acknowledged both of our feelings…said she did not have a crystal ball and could not tell us if further counseling would help…but…if H decided that he wanted to try…we could set up some sessions. So I made my desire to work on this as clear and positive as possible….trying to keep out the pathetic and needy. But yesterday he told me he decided….he does not want to try…it is just too late for him. He cares about me greatly, “would give me a kidney if I needed it” but can’t try anymore. He feels like he as been trying for 9 years. So he is going to travel as much as he can and he will come up with a separation plan. If I needed him out of the house now just because it is too hard…he would do that. But I can’t do that…not yet. He is just so sad. I broke him so badly. He loved me so much and I broke his heart over and over without knowing. So what should I do now? Do I just need to get my head around the fact that my whole life is going to be dramatically different than I thought? I can’t keep telling him I want to try and keep trying to make overtures when he has told me he is done and he wants me to stop trying
