I have a friend relationship with my ex. I got there by internally forgiving her for the infidelities she had committed and recognized that since we have two kids together that we were going to be connected through them for quite some time and it would be easiest on everyone (most importantly our daughters) if we put the hurt and pain in the past. So my relationship with her has morphed into somewhat of a brother/sister type thing. We get together once a week on Sunday, which is the visitation transfer time and all have dinner together. We alternate at whose house this is going to be at. If she needs help on something I help her out and she does the same for me. I look at her in a totally different light now and it seems positive for all of us, especially our girls.
Thanks to both gabby's mom and BA, I know it is a work in progress but the literature about dealing with the ex is so wildly varied I didn't know what to believe. Just the past week I feel less like killing him or at least ruining his life and more like well maybe we can just be friends. The longer this goes the better I feel about the situation. Considering how many times I almost walked away form the marriage I'm surprised how strongly I felt about saving it. We really don't have much in common, never did really, and we were just annoying the crap out of each other. I think I just didn't want to deal with change. BA, I think your solution for the situation would work for us. Though maybe more like once a month. As of right now I really can't afford to eat out once a week!
I read a book by Eckhart Tolles which had a chapter on relationships. His point was that many, many people don't actually love their spouses or significant others, they are addicted to being in a relationship.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Its been a busy week. My house inspection was last night. That went well. Then I had a Girl Scout meeting, I'm the leader. Also, my grandma is moving back the her assisted living from the rehab, so have to line up that paperwork and move her stuff back. Right now I only work part time which is working out to be a good thing but I will need to find a better paying job as soon as I close on the house. Apparently a new job, even a better paying job would not look good for the house financing because I would have been there less than 2 years.
I got the final settlement from the ex yesterday. So now I'm set to put the down payment on my little house. My exh messed up the numbers that showed what he owed so he had to refigure them and then explain them to me but I was calm about it so it was a non event. My oldest D is being a prima donna princess even more than usual. She was sick yesterday and called me at work. I told her to talk to her dad because he is the one who handles her medical stuff now. Well, she decided to twist it into me saying her dad was in charge of her yesterday and asked him if she could go to her boyfriend's for the rest of the day. I didn't find out until got home from work. Now she and her dad are aware that until I move out and he moves in that I am in charge of her that includes deciding where she goes when she is home sick. In this case that would be nowhere except her bedroom.
I loathe my exh right now. My youngest D, who is only 7, was going to bed last night and asked me if we were going to go on vacation to Disney or a cruise this year. We used to go on those type of trips fairly regularly at least every other year. I told her I didn't know. She seemed pretty insistent so I asked if she was worried we wouldn't go on a vacation again because of the divorce. She said yes and that she just wanted everything to go back to what it was when her sister used to be home more and her dad was here also. She's also every upset about moving because she doesn't want to leave this house. Of course her father is oblivious to the damage he has caused both his children because he's not happy and thinks he should get to do whatever he wants. I hope they get past this but they aren't going to be the same or on the same path. Even if I can forgive him for everything else how do I forgive him for that? I mean she has to miss at least one of us almost all the time. That's too much to ask these little ones to do.
Thanks for the reply gabbysmom, I've mostly gotten my wits about me again. I've unfortunately done this before with my oldest. His dad and I split when he was two. I was in the Navy at the time and got stationed in Japan for 4 years. My oldest didn't see his dad again until he was 5. Anyway, at one point during this time after I had married again he asked if he could call my then new husband daddy. So I knew it was bothering him. I chalked that whole mess with my first husband up to pure immaturity because we were so ridiculously young at the time. That has for the most part resolved itself but not without alot of heartache and growing pains. My son is a fairly decent kid who is turning 22 tomorrow (ow! am I that old?). He called me a week or two ago to ask when we're coming down for another visit because he misses us. He also has a fairly decent relationship with his father. So I guess everything has for the most part come full circle.
My brain is going to blow up! I just found out that the retirement allotment that I'm supposed to get out from exh won't be ready for a while partly because I didn't send all the paperwork(certified divorce). So that affects whether I can get a mortgage or not. Also my income might be too low. I'm ready to scream. No wait, I already did!
