I've got 54 days to receive a miracle.

[25yearsmlc]

amen!

[dl443322]

I hope you dont mind me chiming in, Tad, even though you didnt name me. LOL!

I remember so well going around in circles as you are now. I was in a loop I couldnt get out of.

He seems happy, he must really be done, but he is still engaging with me, so maybe he isnt, he is crazy, but maybe he isnt.

Round and round I went. I just couldnt get out of the loop. Until one day I realized something.

It didnt matter. The whys didnt matter. It didnt change anything. It just kept me stuck. There was no real explanation. It was just what is.

The truth of the matter was that he didnt want to be with me now. He wanted space. He wanted to try to find happiness.

I needed to hear him. Really hear him. Because if I didnt, I was invalidating his feelings. If I didnt then, part of what he was saying was true. If I didnt, then I was destined to stay right there in that place indefinitely.

I chose not to live my life that way.

I realized that if I loved him as much as I kept saying I did, then, I needed to accept what he felt and I needed to let him go with love.

I wished him peace and happiness. I prayed that he find what he was looking for and I let him go.

And I began to live my life. I began to figure ME out.

Honor the years together and your love and let her go. The sooner you do, the sooner she gets to try and figure it all out. But more importantly, the sooner you do, the sooner you become the person you were meant to be.

I will tell you that my xh seemed to be the happiest person in the world. He was living life and doing all sorts of things. If you would have told me he wasnt happy I would have told you. you were crazy.

Turns out he was anything but happy. Not what I wanted for him, but, there you have it.

Live YOUR life, Tad. Live your life.

[ericmsant2]

Tad,

You are getting some really good advice dude..

One question or something you should consider...

She is a very good actress if she really isn't happy

IF YOU ARE HAPPY..in your life, with yourself...WOULD YOU MAKE SOMEONE ELSE miserable? Would you spew venom? Would you be difficult? Really think about it for a sec....

Say you were on the beach...hanging out, having a drink, wife looking hot next to ya...I mean everything just hunky dory..

Would you act the way that she is acting?

IMO, when someone is really happy all they want is more happiness. They tend to do stuff that makes them happy and avoid anything that takes said happiness away.

So Tad...do you still think she is happy?

Eric

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone.

Brooklyn, of course you can chime in!!!! I knew I forgot a few people once I hit the submit button.

Today is my day off from work. I was going to go out with a friend today, but I just couldn't get out of bed. Too tired.

I'm completely dark on W right now. I don't contact or talk to her at all unless she contacts me. Period. The texts that she sent to me the other day were just crazy. I mean, why would she even bring up a girlfriend that I had in the 6th grade? She is nuts.

I wonder, in your marriage, were you ever a manipulator or controlling person? Did you ever try to manipulate a situation to your own advantage? Did you do this often with her? If you did, then why? Were you insecure, have self-esteem issues, etc?

Good question. I've always had self-esteem issues to a degree. As far as being manipulative, I really don't think I am that type of person. W told me that I liked control, but of course, I never heard this complaint until the MLC started. If anyone was a manipulator, it was her. SHE was the one that was always insecure and never thought she was good enough for anyone or anything. Since this began, every one of my boys have told me at one time or another that I always went out of my way to give her anything that she wanted. They are right too. I wasn't the best husband, but I was a pretty good one. W got everything.....

...people who use manipulation to control others do it for the boost to their self-esteem, the whole "I can make people do things..." She wants to keep you as a friend so she can continue to do this. If you aren't in her life, she loses the ability to control you...which is a blow to her self-esteem.

But......she doesn't want me in her life. Or....does she only want me in her life on HER terms?

Realize that her being happy... let's just say that you have proven to be too close to the situation to effectively judge that.

I see your point AJ.

The truth of the matter was that he didnt want to be with me now. He wanted space. He wanted to try to find happiness.

Yeah. I just need to leave her alone. When she doesn try to talk to me, I need to not argue, question or defend....

IF YOU ARE HAPPY..in your life, with yourself...WOULD YOU MAKE SOMEONE ELSE miserable? Would you spew venom? Would you be difficult? Really think about it for a sec....

Say you were on the beach...hanging out, having a drink, wife looking hot next to ya...I mean everything just hunky dory..

Would you act the way that she is acting?

Haha. Very good example Eric. Never really thought of it this way.

Nothing really to update. She continues to send our boys one text a night that says "I love you. Goodnight." I think that she really misses them. She's not missing me yet though.....

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Thought that I would stop in and update a little bit.

I am completely dark. It isn't really that bad either.

I haven't talked to W at all since she sent all those crazy texts last weekend.

She called S16 Friday afternoon and asked him what I had planned for the weekend and what time I usually got off work. What the hell for?

She tried to call S18 but he did not answer. They ended up texting back and forth and S18 started jumping on her again. He apparently really let her have it. He is really tired of her sh!t. I don't blame him for feeling the way he does, but I told him to lay off a little bit. The question is: if he keeps arguing with her about this whole situation, could it make things worse?

She has been in Replay now (as far as I can tell) for about 15 months. Wish I knew how long this lasts.

She tried calling my cell phone tonight. I didn't answer. She left a voicemail and asked if I could have S20 call her because she wanted to talk to him.

I'm really dreading our court date. It is set for October 14th.

I continue to pray for a miracle.

I've had some decent days lately. I've also had brief moments of happiness, but they are only brief. Very brief.

Still want her back.......

Tad

[ericmsant2]

Tad

The question is: if he keeps arguing with her about this whole situation, could it make things worse?

1) He is allowed to tell her how he feels.
2) What is wrong with her feeling the consequences of HER choices?
3) Instead of focusing on what your son is doing and saying to HER…maybe you should focus on the R between you and him, what he says to you and stay the f*ck out of the middle of them too.
4) Your job is NOT to fix the R between your W and your son. Your job is to not say anything or do anything that would make the R worse.

Wish I knew how long this lasts.

You and a lot of other people.

I'm really dreading our court date. It is set for October 14th.

Stop worry about it so much (although I do understand). It will be what it will be. I assume you have told your L what you want and need from the process. Trust that what is to be will be. Trust that although you may not understand it right now, that God has all of this under control.

I've also had brief moments of happiness, but they are only brief. Very brief.

What were you doing when you had these moments of happiness? Whatever it was…keep doing it. The sadness will go away in time IF YOU let it.

Still want her back......

WANT OR NEED?

God Bless,
Eric

[AJM]

4) Your job is NOT to fix the R between your W and your son. Your job is to not say anything or do anything that would make the R worse.

Tad, if you take nothing else from these boards, take this one to heart. Think about it: would you want somebody telling you how to have a relationship with your mother? Would you want to have to keep those feelings bottled up? Would you take your anger out on the person that tried to tell you to suck it up and back off? Do you want to be the object of that?

In any case, let them work it out on their own. They either will now, or they may later. But in any case you CANNOT help and CANNOT win but you can do damage and you can get hurt as well.

Stay out of it, my man. You'll be glad later that you did.

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ and Eric. I hope you guys are both well. I agree with everything that you both said. I'm staying out of W's and S18's relationship.

It has been a very emotional day for me. I have started a new thread and you can find it here:

PLEASE!!! Need help quick! Calling all vets!

Please help and encourage some of the other vets to chime in.

I appreciate everything.

Tad