Epilogue

[Valeska19]

The question is.. "Do you even care to continue showing that to her?"

At this point, it doesn't matter. Her decision to live with the OM has crossed every boundary I could put down. Divorce is no longer a question of "if" but "when"

What do you mean by this? You've done great work on yourself, do you intend to stop showing the new you to your w? I'm confused. I mean the changes were for you right?? so how does w moving in with OM effect any of that?

Though that sounds good, on a serious note I really going with option "a"

I agree with JB on option "a".

Think of it like a pool of water. Right now it's all muddy from the pain, her emotions, your emotions. Trying to get to the otherside is going to be difficult. It doesn't matter how good of a swimmer you are or if you have the best d@mn goggles on the planet. You just have to wait until the mud settles. You have to wait until the water clears.

Patience is a hard thing, especially when we are hurting. My w said she would send me an assets list on Monday. There is a huge part of me that wants to get it over with, there is a part of me that's hopeful that she's changed her mind. It's been a constant battle to just sit in the fact that "I don't know" and just live a day at a time. To be honest, the only reason I can is because my sitch is not in my hands, but Gods and I have surrender my own timeline for his.

You've had a rough few weeks. Again, you've only been physically separated from your w for a month. That's not that long.. it really isn't. (sorry for the small 1x2)

Slow down.. breathe.. grieve.. feel.

In the meantime, I would NOT recommend selling your w's things from the house or throwing them out (sorry Rick). If it hurts you, pack them up and get them out of site. Out of site, out of mind.

If you need to make her pick it up because that doesn't work.. just really think about if it's going to be a "relief" that her stuff is gone, or a "painful" realization.

Sometimes we can't avoid the pain.. but we can stop bringing more pain on ourselves.

Let the time and space be kind to you. I feel like you are trying to rush through things.

That is just MVHO.

[Telemark]

You're right, V...I'm trying to power through all of this because I want to be over it NOW.

A few weeks ago I was satisfied with the progress I had been making. Lately, though, the reality of the situation and the feelings of loneliness and abandonment have been taking over that sense of satisfaction. I've been comparing myself to the OM and inventing reasons why W is so drawn to him. I wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life, and question my ability to love and be loved. I want to GAL but often feel paralyzed by my own insecurities.

Maybe I can get a blood transfusion from jb...

No, I'm not going to sell or trash any of my W's belongings (Rick1963, that makes me think you still do not have a handle on your anger issues...just sayin') nor will I push the D issue. It just feels wrong that I would still be married to someone who is living with another man.

Thanks to all for your continued support and responses. I do need to breathe and live life despite what is going on, because what I'm doing lately isn't working.

[any chance?]

Yup, nuff said:

I do need to breathe and live life despite what is going on, because what I'm doing lately isn't working.

It is a long road. You have been on the road for a while now. Doesn't make sense to turn back now.

Option A is the way to go.

[Rick1963]

(Rick1963, that makes me think you still do not have a handle on your anger issues...just sayin')


You are right TM, still working on it and feel ok admitting to it. Hang in there.

[ncl]

Good morning, my Yankee friend.

Until you are at peace with any other option, I agree that A is best. Let the rawness of your heart heal a bit and then reevaluate what is best for YOU. If your wife's things being in your home contribute to your pain, then I see no problem with you sending her an email or text asking her to please pick them up.

I know the feelings you are cycling through very well. I also wondered why OW over ME? Was I not pretty enough, nice enough, smart enough, good enough in bed, a good enough cook, a good enough housekeeper and supporter of my H and mother to our kids? I would worry about living the rest of my life alone, thinking I was too flawed and unworthy of love. MWD's suggestion of imagining a huge red STOP sign really helped me through those times and got me to stop obsessing about what was wrong with me. It also helped to repeat affirmations to myself (I am a child of God and He loves me, I am a good mother, a good friend, a good person, etc). Sure, we are all flawed, and this is a wonderful opportunity to take a good look at ourselves and ask, "What can I do to be a better me?". But honestly, TM, I don't think what your wife is doing is about your flaws; this is about her. She hasn't hit rock bottom yet (although I feel that is coming soon), and unfortunately, that's what it takes in many cases to get the WAS to wake up.

Forgive me if I've already suggested it, but I think the book "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" would be very helpful to you in working through the emotions you are experiencing and starting the healing process.

You are a great guy, TM. I'm always in your corner.
love & hugs...lc4

[Valeska19]

You're right, V...I'm trying to power through all of this because I want to be over it NOW.

Makes sense.. after months of hurting.. who doesn't want this at times.

A few weeks ago I was satisfied with the progress I had been making. Lately, though, the reality of the situation and the feelings of loneliness and abandonment have been taking over that sense of satisfaction. I've been comparing myself to the OM and inventing reasons why W is so drawn to him. I wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life, and question my ability to love and be loved. I want to GAL but often feel paralyzed by my own insecurities.

Oh I get this. The feelings above mixed with some of the realizations you've been having about your w. Of course insecurities come up. I face it too... all the time.

I do need to breathe and live life despite what is going on, because what I'm doing lately isn't working.

Good realization. You'll figure it out. I have complete faith in that!

[jbnati]

I want to GAL but often feel paralyzed by my own insecurities.

This may be an opportunity for a 180 for yourself. I think sometimes you just have to put yourself out there, outside your comfort zone.

Maybe I can get a blood transfusion from jb...

Be careful what you ask for!

Take it easy, and don't try to force anything along.

[~¤DG¤~]

TM- lots of great advice given to you.
I completely understand where you are at right now where you are regarding a D at this point, but I want to remind you of what you've said to me many many times.

Patience. Patience. Patience.

I'm not suggesting you wait around to see if W & OM fizzle (which we both know will happen) I'm only reminding you to make sure you are at peace with whatever decision it is that you make, and I don't think you are quite there yet.

I think your a helluva guy and have been such a great friend to me these past few months, and I hate that you are hurting right now.

I'll be thinking about you.

[Telemark]

You guys rock.

I did read The Journey From Abandonment to Healing at the same time I was reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Both of those books made me do a lot of self-reflection; not only with this marriage, but with my life in general.

I realized that I had lost myself in both of my marriages. I always wanted to please and gain the approval of my Ws, and I became this wishy-washy half-assed version of myself. Coupled with the below-the-surface anger and resentment I had been carrying with me since I was a wee lad, it was a recipe for eventual disaster; a true Jekyll-and-Hyde person. While I am not owning 100% of my marriage failures, I can see where I made big contributions.

My self-improvements probably come too late to save my marriage, but just in time to save myself. But I'm not so sure I want to save my marriage at this point; my W and I do not trust each other, and I can't see wanting to be with someone who deliberately caused so much pain to so many people.

If my W hits rock bottom, sees that her new life is just another escape route and wants to try to reconcile, it would be a test of my changes. Could I remain the person I am becoming, or would I slip back into old patterns and have to endure this pain all over again?

That is the blessing and the curse of this, I suppose - it's been a wake-up call for me to re-evaluate my personality, my behaviors, my life...but it comes with a steep price.

It's been just over 6 months since D-Day, and 6 weeks since she moved out...a short time in both instances compared to what some of you have gone through. But each of us has our own limit of what we are willing to endure and put up with. A part of me wants to try to build a new marriage with my W; most of me says too much damage has been inflicted by both of us.

The D has not been filed. The OM has not moved in (although his mother arrived Sunday). So I will remain patient, continue to work on me, be grateful for the support I'm getting from my kids and my friends and try oh so hard to not think about my W nearly every minute.

I have to remember that God has a plan for me. I haven't the slightest clue what that plan is, but I suppose it will be revealed when He is ready to reveal it.

[OmegaZed]

Telemark

Hang in there man. You've come too far to regress into any old behaviours that may be damaging. Patience goes a long way if any of these ordeals has taught us anything.

He does have a plan, because like any parent he has to make sure his children understand their lessons and learn from them and he is there to pick us up as well.

I have faith in you man.

- KC