Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Hi Kaffe Diem -
Thanks for the feedback and suggestion. Many people have told me the same re. consulting a L. I had refused to do so because I felt that I would be "betraying" my efforts to save my marriage (does that make any sense?). Plus I am terrified that if my H found out, he'll go ahead and file. But I know that I I owe it to my children and I will sleep better at night if I just know exactly where I would be standing should H proceed with the D. So I am setting up a consultation with a L this week...

Hi, DGurl -
Thanks for the support and words of encouragement. I realize that controlling my anger will be a life-long effort, very much so like an addiction and I will never stop working on it, no matter how many setbacks I have.

And unfortunately, I had another one this weekend. I am now trying to look out for specific triggers when I am with my H, but this one caught me off-guard and unprepared and I lost it. So we ended up having a huge argument.

It started when I told him I am planning on running a 10k on Oct. 1st (part of my GAL, although I obviously did not point it out to him), and that I would need him to take the kids that day. He responded he was planning to go up north to see OW that weekend and could not do it.

(We have a very loose visitation schedule he set up where if we had a time / date conflict, we treat it as a "first come, first serve" basis. I told him I asked first, but he refused to change his plans.)


I need to point out that getting to this situation is partly my fault because since he left I have had an open door policy with him when it comes to visiting the kids - he comes to our house whenever he wants and w/o previous notice. On weekends, he usually waits until I ask or until the weekend arrives to talk about a schedule as well.
My rationale for it, and part of the strategy I set up with my DB coach, has been that the more time he spends at our home and feels comfortable there, the better. Plus it's time that he is not in contact with OW.

But this "open door" policy has also led him to just come and go as he pleases. Since he left 8 months ago, the kids have spent the night at his place only 5 or 6 nights total. Those have been the only nights off I have had, while he has been free to travel or go out whenever he wants.

So when he said he would not change his plans on Oct. 1st, I really lost it. I not only raised my voice to tell him how selfish and unfair he was being, but also brought up a lot of the things that I should have not said. I brought up OW, his lies about her and our finances, how much he hurts me, etc, etc, etc... All the stuff I KNOW I should NOT bring up.

But the worst part is that our daughter was present and that really upset my H (as it should have). After he left I immediately sat her down and explained to her - in a way that a 3-year old would understand - that my getting upset at daddy was wrong and how sorry I was to hurt her and scare her. I reassured her that we were ok now and promised to try my very best so it would not happen again.

I am so disappointed and upset at myself for letting myself argue in front of her... Both H and I have always agreed that that behavior is simply not acceptable in our family. And to say that he was immensely upset at me is an understatement.

Besides, getting angry with him gave him yet another opportunity to remind me why he left, why he doesn't love me and why he is going to divorce me. He told me he is going to file as soon as I get back to work and we sell our townhome.

And so then I tried to convince him that I am working on changing, that my outburst was a setback, and started pleading, etc. All VERY UNATTRACTIVE and UNPRODUCTIVE.

Today when he came over I apologized to him for losing my cool and hurting him with what I said. I made him dinner (as I always do) and his mom stopped over to see the kids.

I was upbeat and happy thruout and was attentive with him when he talked and was supportive when he shared his worries about work (he is under a lot of work-related stress now.) We all had a pleasant evening.


The only bummer was that he did leave his phone on the table as we were finishing dinner, right next to me and a text pop-up from OW came in saying how much she loves him and how she can't wait until Thursday to see him (That's his birthday

And when he left, he said to his mom from the door "love you mom" and then turned to me and only waved in silence. ouch...