Cadet - I just reserved Conway's book at the library. Just one more sign of my growth. I'm a weekly regular there and the women that work there have known me for years and we often talk about movies, books and our kids. I never discuss my marriage issues with anyone so reserving this book without any concern of their opinion of my life is a nice step for me.
TAMF/Aeo - I agree and admit that for many months the changes were for my wife and I pleaded desperately inside that she would notice and say something positive. Chores around the house now days, I approach differently. I wash dishes and clean the counters in the kitchen everyday before I go to bed, but I also clean/disinfect the bathroom 2-3 times a week when she's not around. I never used to clean the bathrooms so now that I've been doing for over a year. The last several months I've felt it more important to not do it when she's around because I don't want her to think I'm looking for her approval. I know she notices the work and lately that's enough for me.
Another change, HUGE change, is my approach to everything. I used to get agitated when my wife would ask me to go the extra mile on something and i was on call for work. I was so paranoid about losing my job and I just couldn't understand why she didn't know why I was so scared. Now days, my job doesn't get in the way of my life. I will not let it get between me and my kids. I don't even tell my wife when I'm on call anymore, because it doesn't matter to me and I don't want her to think she has to cater to me. It's not that I don't care about my job, I just realized I wasn't all that bad at it and that I'm not a failure. It feels good.
I expect nothing from my wife. She doesn't have to say anything. I know she notices. It used to hurt, but I see it a bit more clearly. The hard part is that instead of feeling "some" relief for not having to pick up after me and the kids anymore, it seems to irritate her - the whole too little too late argument. Whatever...
Why do I want to tell her how I feel? Great question. She knows I love her, but why tell her anything. Thing is, I've pretty much shut down all contact with her. I'm happy and pleasant when she's around or not around. But it's like having just heard some awesome news and no matter how bad you want to share that moment with your spouse, you can't.
I shake things up every now and then and pop in with semi interesting small talk, but for the most part I stay silent and smiling. What I want to do is tell her what I've learned about MLC, like TAMF was saying. I want her to know that I understand ( some ) and that I can help if she'd let me. I want to help her relearn how to be thankful for the very small things in life.
Do I want my wife back? Eh..... I want to see the flower she becomes, not the spoiled teenager she currently is. The simple answer is yes, but seeing I no longer fantasize about her (intimately) or life (happy) with her, I just don't know. I have no interest in being with any woman right now. I'm not bitter towards the ladies at all, I'm just so interested in the way I've been feeling lately that I'm more interested in just meeting people in general.
I do not resent my wife, but boy did I several months back. I wouldn't let her know, but I don't know how successful I was at that. Occasionally I have anger towards her because of the kids. She thinks I'm telling our oldest son "things" and I would never ever do that. That's so unfair to both of us. He's 11, but he's not dumb. He doesn't know how to express himself ( I'm trying to help him ) and he says things that set her off at me. She won't talk to me, but she'll sit and fume. All I ever tell him is that his mother loves him. He knows there's a problem and it hurts. It's the kids that's the hardest thing about this. We did everything as a family and now IF we do something together, my wife won't even stand near me. He "sees" this. She seems to believe that he's aggitated around her only after he's been around me for a while as if he's saint around me. He's 11! He's a great kid, but he's 11 and will act like a normal 11 yr old when he doesn't get what he wants. This is more annoying than frustrating I think.
Aside from that I have no anger. I know she doesn't trust me so I should expect that, but what can one do I suppose. I did make one HUGE mistake today. I want very much to try and help her "see" and I slipped bad. My son told me today that his mom has gotten worse and I've gotten better ( to be around ). She was upset with him and wanted to talk to me about it. I wanted her to see how she'd changed to the kids and I told her what he said to me......Ugh! I forgot what i said to try and recover, but it doesn't matter. I could have told her I won a million dollars, but she wouldn't have heard it.
Oh and as far as the revisiting her anger.... Nothing. I knew she couldn't do it. I don't push it. It 'feels' wrong to push it so I don't do it. If it comes up again that she resents me, I'll draw more out of her, but I've learned that I need to let her come out of her defensive fortress on her own. If I can find the trigger that gets that result I'll pull it.
I tried something someone else did. I wrote a letter to my wife telling her how I felt/feel. I will never send it to her. It's for me to get it out. I will never show her the letter. It's mine and quite frankly I feel good having put my thoughts on paper.
I still need to find that new approach. Maybe it is only time. Maybe I just have to maintain my course for 10 more months. 3 months ago I found my happy place and 1 month for each year we've been together brings me to 10 more months. It's not a realistic timetable seeing as how I live day to day and not months in advance. But a guy can hope right?!
This is uber long so I'll end on a positive note. For as long as I can recall, this past year I've been telling people I'm 38 yrs old. My b-day is next month and I did the math one more time and it turns out I'm 37 and will be turning 38! Sometimes I'm such a Goof!
