My faith gives me the courage to move forward

[25yearsmlc]

Rys-

Filing is obviously not where you are at, and it is NEVER the DB advice, because the consequence can be final. It is the AFTER the Last Resort Technique.

DB does not have a "never file" rule. Then you wrote here ^^^ that "it is the 'AFTER' the last resort technique'" so I don't actually know what you are saying here.

But this is NOT a site that says to save all marriages OR at all costs...


I find you have made small progress over the years, but your posters are always worried for you.

Where is the small progress? Where is any? (I'm being sincere) I posted to her 4 years ago and see virtually no movement.

In fact, it's worse now b/c it has been so long that he's been living openly with OW that their son knows and stays there, and works with his father. The money situation and her financial security has been VERY damaged and his college funds are in question and her h even asked about her life insurance money...there are numerous other red flags. I don't know if rysmom can work to support herself. She never has before. She needs to protect herself.

Also, Rysmom often mentions her own health problems. They are not getting better. I have no idea what her health insurance situation is like but her financial situation is precarious.

She is still in school and I don't know what she can earn, if anything, as she has referred to being disabled in the past -but is vague when asked direct questions.

I abhor it when people enable her to delay doing ANYTHING to change her situation...sorry if that sounds dogmatic. I don't mean it to be.

But I've followed this sitch and poster for 4 years, literally. And to see someone else walk in and misquote DBing, and then confuse someone like her, a woman grasping for straws to help avoid reality and stay stuck...bothers me.

Plus, I honestly believe IF THERE IS A CHANCE to recon with this man, it's by her doing something (anything) that makes him fear losing her.

I don't know if it will work. No guarantees. Never are.

But what I DO KNOW is that her present and past approach of either judgementally lashing out, or lapping up his table scraps, have both failed.

And she's almost constantly living in a state of fear or panic...very sad situation to me. If her L's all say that only by filing can she garner any security (and imo, mental and emotional health) then so be it.

Who knows? It might even wake him up.


What is YOUR GOAL? What do YOU think is the best thing for you to do to bring you closer to your goal?

sg

[verycrazy]

I agree with you, she will have to decide what to do eventually. Or it will eventually be decided for her.Rysmom doesn't want to do anything. Doing nothing at all seems to be preferred to the unknown. That is understandable to someone who has been there, but maybe not after this length of time.

Rysmom, I hope you will take what is posted here as genuine concern for you. Can you make a list of the things you need to do, and maybe commit to one of them? Then another when you see how the first one wasn't as bad as you feared?

Are you afraid that if you do make a move, that it will close the door forever on your M? I feel so bad for you. I don't feel I would have had the courage to file, either, because of my religious beliefs, so I understand. But, if my H was making insane financial decisions, I would have had to talk to someone who could help me to keep from losing everything. Unless, I was able to support myself without his assistance.
vc

[MrBond]

Better yet, how about writing down a list of baby steps. Such as "Leave voice message (no text) for H asking how MIL is doing", "Call L for appointment", etc. with specific dates.

[sgctxok]

25,

It is never DB ADVICE to encourage someone to file. If someone chooses to risk filing on their own, it is in the category of the AFTER the LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE.

There is NO ONE HERE able to judge the situation better than rys. We only know what she posts. You are not the only person who follows her. I have followed her myself and I do see progress in her.

It may work to file, it may not. It isn't where she 'is'.

You have had success yourself and have given good advice in some places on the board, but you are not an expert here and you are bullying and insulting to rys. If you are not happy with her progress, go post to someone else.

[sgctxok]

vc-

rys has had lots of advice legal and otherwise. She will act if/when she's ready.

[MrBond]

sgctxok,

I have to disagree with you about 25. If you've been following the posts, she's been encouraging rysmom to get legal representation to protect her assets. Rysmom has repeatedly said how her H has been spending money and she's afraid to lose everything, etc. 25 and others have encouraged her to see a L to protect her financial sitch.

Rys has also said how she doesn't have a job and doesn't know how she will support her son. So all this is within reason.

We all have been telling her to at the very least start talking to her H to start communicating with him to improve their relationship. What you see is bullying is frustration plain and simple.

I've been accused of this as well as others on her posts. And mostly everyone has abandoned her. What you see as bullying is frustration for someone who is losing herself and has chosen to do nothing. That of course is her choice. However there were times where rysmom came close to implying suicide saying things like "i can't live" or "i can't go on" etc. And you and others have been silent.

there were times that I begged her to seek professional help when she's said such things and they only fall on deaf ears to her. That's why I was seriously beginning to wonder if she were real.

If you've noticed from the beginning of her thread, that there's been erratic behaviors on her part. Extreme highs and extreme lows. This goes beyond the M. Let's face it, we're all here to save our marriages. We wouldn't be here if we weren't. But when you see someone who needs personal help, not just marital, you can't get angry at the people trying to get this person to seek that help.

Out of all the people who have been posting to her, the moderators have not been heard from. I understand you all may be busy and it is her decision.

When she starts talking about how she's going to lose everything, I don't think about just her, I think about her son as well. What do you think she's going to do to herself if she starts to lose him as well. That's why I've personally asked her how we can communicate with her in a way that will spur action. She hasn't answered that question as well.

Again this goes beyond a M issue. There is a tortured woman whose problems seem to stem from more than just the M. I do have experience in this having to work with families in crisis, so we are all worried. If you don't believe me, when there are times she starts talking about how she gets physically sick, or is going crazy, or whatever, show it to a professional and they can give you a straight up answer.

DB is more than just saving your M. It's saving your M and yourself in the process.

[sgctxok]

Bond-
We can disagree. And if you look through the posts over the years you will see I have posted to her and shown her care on board. She self reports intermittent coaching many times by Laurie, and that trumps the moderators.

Legal advice is outside the scope of this site. And rys has sought legal advice.

I don't remember you ever being disrespectful, just frustrated, and I've stood up for you in that respect. Several posters have been, and some of their posts have been removed. There is always another option--just don't post. There are LOTS of other hurting people to help...move on.


When the advice you give isn't helping it's insane to do more of the same and expect a different result.

[sgctxok]

Bond-
Btw- You have my respect and I feel you give lots of great advice.

[MrBond]

And you have my respect as well sgctxok.

The thing is, I wouldn't have been able to survive and last as long as I have if it weren't for the advice I got from 25. Was I turned off by her straight forward manner? Maybe at first. But after all that pounding in of the message, I finally got it and she and a few others really helped me to understand DB.

And with the amount of time she takes to post on people's posts to help them like she helped me, should be encouraged. We all care as much as you and MWD about M. Sometimes you just have to keep throwing different pieces of advice at someone and see what sticks.

[MrBond]

BTW, I apologize for the hijack rysmom.